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LOL!! Really good one, kapusta!
I dont know if any of you saw this yet. Someone from Israel emailed it to my mother. Shes said she has two sons sick in bed with………… SWINE FLU!!
Ani choleh (oink oink)
Ata choleh (oink oink)
Kulanu po cholim
Ani choleh (oink oink)
Ata choleh (oink oink)
Beshapa’at hachazirim
Shapa’at hachazirim hi medabeket (oink oink)
Velefamim meod roeshet (oink oink)
Anu osim po kolot ktzat meshunim (oink oink)
Ki kulani kvar nihyenu chazirim (snort snort)
Hebrew English Dictionary: shapa’at – flu / medabeket – contagious / roeshet – noisy / meshunim – crazy
I am ROFL!!!! Good thing I swallowed what I was drinking before the page opened!
ROTFLOL!!!!!!!
here are some jokes!:
*Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
*A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
*Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
*A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
hope ya enjoyed!!!!
**EDITED**
Here’s a nice bad one, to keep up my rep:
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
‘Give me the box of matches,’ says one. ‘Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens.’ He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving all his arms… ‘No, no, don’t!’
The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?
Still, he takes another match… and… A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms: ‘No, no, don’t do that!’
One of the astronauts says: ‘This looks serious. What are they afraid of?
Nonetheless, we’re here for Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars’. So he strikes a match – which flames up, burns down, and…. nothing happens.
So he turns to the Martians and asks: ‘Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?’
The leader of the Martians says: ‘It’s Shabbos, you idiot!’
Good jokes! Keep them coming!
This is in honor of Squeak’s last post.
A person is walking on the streets of New York when all of a sudden a flying saucer lands right in front of him.
Out pops two little green men. He inquires and finds out they are from Mars,
He figures that he will show them NY. Of course he takes them to a bagel shop where he treats them to a couple of bagels.
Afterwards he asks them what they think of the bagels, the Martians answer “Interesting, they taste like they would go well with cream cheese and lox”.
Rim Shot.
Wow! That’s a lot of jokes out there! I just finished reading all of them. A lot of really good laughs. I just read them all so quickly I don’t think I’ll even remember most of them. Oh well, I could always do it all over again. (LOL JK)
Anyway, this one is for the Gemara learners out there. The lashon might be wrong, but you’ll get my drift:
Trei pili haviasvi biambati. Amar chad l’chavrei “hav li sabon”. Amar lei idach “les sabon radio”. Hahahahahahah
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I’m so unfamiliar with my gym I call him James.
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This one is true: My mother once had a really bad headache, so she told my father “I have a splitting headache.” So my father said “yeah, I have the other side of it”.
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Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. (It’s supposed to come along with a picture of someone with a piece of duct tape over their mouth.)
good ones, plonis! Keep ’em coming!
Will do mepal. Here goes:
A tour guide (in Israel) was taking the tourists to various kevarim. When they reached the kever of Shmuel Hanavi, he said “and this is where Shmuel Hanavi was buried.” An hour later, after passing many kevarim, they came across a kever, but they tour guide could not remember who was buried there. After searching his memory but to no avail, he decided to tell everyone it’s the kever of Shmuel because they probably wouldn’t remember that they passed his kever already. So he said “and this is the kever of Shmuel Hanavi”. One of the tourists immediately piped up and said “but didn’t we pass his kever already?” So the tour guide said “yes, but that was Shmuel Alef, this is Shmuel Bais”.
lol, good one!
plonis… i know it ruins the joke if you explain it but what was that gemarra joke?
.
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Thanks 26! Is this your second job? (after closing threads, that is)
first
Cool. Good job 😉
plonisalmonis- BIG welcome to the grand CR!
I would welcome you in the appropriate thread so you can get your dues from other members, but that thread has been thoroughly hijacked (and I don’t want to tip the balance there).
Thank you for your grand welcome areivim.
HSS – Three elephants were sitting in a bathtub. One said to the other, “give me the soap.” The other one said to him “no soap radio”. Hahahaha (I don’t have to translate that part, right?)
Allegedly, (as in my father told me the story but at this point i probably have at least half if not more of the details wrong) a rebbe’s talmidim were making fun of him, saying he doesn’t know Aramaic. So he opened a gemara to a random page and started shuckling and chanting “Trei pili…”.
I thought it was apropos for you to be doing jokes in aramaic with your name…
thanks for the explanation
🙂 LOL i knew i was gonna get some sort of comment like that
BS”D
Gimpel was not exactly the brightest talmid of Yeshivas haKanoim. So, instead of learning, he was assigned to mishmar hashechuna, which meant yelling “Shygetz Aross” at anyone from an opposing community who dared enter the street on which the yeshiva was located.
Somehow, a Chabad mitzva tank managed to pick up poor Gimpel, and realizing he was not of very high intellectual capability, all they could do with him was to give him a loudspeaker and have him announce “We Want Moshiach Now” to get people’s attention.
The Yeshivas haKanoim crowd being what they are, they kidnapped him once again and set him back to mishmar hashechuna. This time, though, he was totally confused and spent his hapless days screaming “We want shygetz now! Moshiach aross!”
(Sadly, there are quite a few Gimpels out there, not all of inferior mental aptitude but all of whom are in essence yelling Moshiach aross).
plonis, the only problem with your translation is that trei means two, not three. But there’s only supposed to be two anyway.
oops! I guess its good that women dont learn gemara then, no? 🙂
This may be a repeat.. repeat… repeat 😉
Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about $8.00 or $9.00 a day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
“Hey, amigo,” Carlos says to Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?
Jose says, “Look at your sign, what does it say?” Carlo’s sign reads; “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.” “What’s wrong with that?” Carlos asks him.
“No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!”
Carlo’s says, “All right, what does your sign say?” It reads, “I only need another ten dollars to get back to Mexico ….”
another old one… (edited version):
Today’s Joke: Professor at IIMs explaining marketing concepts to Students
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. You see a nice girl at a wedding. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. “Marry me!” – That’s Direct Marketing”
2. You’re at a wedding with a bunch of friends and see a nice girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: “He’s very rich. “Marry him.” -That’s Advertising”
3. You see a nice girl at a wedding. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich. “Marry me – That’s Telemarketing”
4. You’re at a wedding and see nice girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say: “By the way, I’m rich. Will you “Marry Me?” – That’s Public Relations
5. You’re at a wedding and see nice girl. She walks up to you and says:”You are very rich! “Can you marry ! me?” – That’s Brand Recognition
6. You see a nice girl at a wedding. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. – “That’s Customer Feedback”
7. You see a nice girl at a wedding. You go up to her and say: “I am very rich. Marry me!” And she introduces you to her husband. – “That’s demand and supply gap”
8. You see a nice girl at a wedding. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: “I’m rich. Will you marry me?” and she
goes with him – “That’s competition eating into your market share”
9. You see a nice girl at a wedding. You go up to her and before you say: “I’m rich, Marry me!” your wife arrives. – “That’s restriction for entering new markets”
areivim, lol. funny!
the real one is funnier… 😉
oh well…I can only imagine 😉
K this one my teacher told me. I hope I dont mess it up.
A non-Jew (let’s call him Jose) once passed by a shul and he saw someone coming out with a lot of money. He asked the man how he got it, and he said he just goes around collecting. So the Jose decided that the next day, instead of going to work, he’s going to go collecting in shul. So the next day, all day, he stood outside the shul with his hat outstretched. He didn’t do so well – a few dimes and quarters. But then he saw someone come out of the shul with one-dollar bills. So the next day, he followed that man into the shul and listened how he said “tzeddaka tzeddaka” and watched how the people in shul gave him one dollar bills. The next day, Jose put his new knowledge into action, and spent the whole day in shul saying “tzeddaka, tzeddaka”, and sure enough, by the end of the day, he came out with a stack of ones. All proud of himself, he walked away from the shul, but then…. he saw another man come out of the shul, this time with fives and tens. The next day, Jose followed the man and watched as the man said “oni, oni (poor person)” and got fives and tens. So the following day, Jose went to shul and collected, saying “oni oni” and as predicted, he came out of shul with fives and tens. But as he exited, he saw another man coming out with 20s. Now this time Jose was excited. He saw the next day that the man was saying “choileh, choileh (sick person)” and got 20-dollar bills, so Jose did that too the next day, and got… 20-dollar bills. Jose was so proud of himself for being such a good “business man”, until he saw someone coming out with………. 50-dollar bills. Now this time, Jose knew he needed to follow that man around, and he’ll be making a fortune. So the following day, he watched as the man said “ger tzedek (convert)” and got a lot of 50s. So Jose followed suit and came out with a thick wad of 50-dollar bills. Happy with his “catch”, Jose began to walk home, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw a man come out of shul with a large pile of 100-dollar bills. Now, that, Jose though, was the ultimate. And the next day, he observed how the man walked around the shul, saying “einekel fun de rebbeh (grandson of the Rabbi)” and collected another stack of 100-s. Now Jose wasn’t too bright, but that night, he had a brainstorm. If he got a certain amount of money from saying one thing, what would happen if he made a combination? So the next day in shul, Jose walked around saying “ger tzedek, einekel fun de rebbeh”…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
ha ha!! good one!
and he came out with a bloody nose… 😉
lol! I like it! btw, welcome to the CR!!!
Goodness, areivim. You cant do this to me! Can you forward to a mod? (like, 26 since he has my address?)
Yankel is making a bar mitzvah for his son and sends an invitation to his friend Moshe, who is a doctor.
COmes four days before the bar mitzvah hand Moshe realizes taht he has to send a response. Since he was in his office , ,he scribblred his respocse on on eof his prescription pads and sent the response to Yankel.
Yankel gets the reply but cannot read what Moshe’s response. You know about doctor’s handwriting.
Yankel is too embarrased to call Moshe to say he can’t read the reply.
He has a brilliant idea, he will go to the pharmacist, they seem to always be able to read doctor’s scribbles.
Pleased with hmself, Yankel goes to his corner drug store walks up to the counter and hands the pharamcist the paper.
He stands there waiting eagerly for the answer.
The pharmacist takes a look at the paper and says ” ok, come back an pick it up in half an hour”.
lol! Jose, very good!
There was a doctor that had to get up to speak in front of an audience. Apparently, he had handwritten the speech. So he gets up to the podium, clears his throat, looks at his paper, looks again, clears his throat again. He hemmmms. He hawwws. Looks again. Picks up the paper to the light. Looks again. Starts turning red. Then, looks to the audience and asks, “Is there a pharmacist here?”
If I had to edit, it had to be edited.
(It was very slightly edited- nothing very exciting.)
ha!
(that was for the Doc givin the speech)
K here’s another one:
Some of you may have heard this one, but it’s funny nonetheless.
David was a student in law school, and he was studying very hard for a test he had the next day. When he came to school, he felt he was prepared for anything, and was eager to take the test and ace it. The professor who was giving the test decided that the test was going to end at 1:00 pm, exactly 2.5 hours after they would start. Now this teacher was a stickler for rules, and when he set a time limit, he meant it. So, as the law students filed into the room to take the test, the professor said “the test begins right now. You have exactly 2 1/2 hours to take it. Anyone who surpasses the time limit will fail the exam.” Time passed quickly enough, and before the students knew it, the professor said “half an hour left”. The students quickened their writing pace, frantically scribbling the answers. After fifteen minutes, the professor said “fifteen minutes left”. A few students stood up and handed their papers in, while the rest of the class continued writing. After five minutes, the professor once again let them know of the time remaining, and half of the students left handed their papers in. During the next five minute, most of the students handed in their papers, and by the “five more minutes announcement”, only a handful was left. When the professor said “one more minute”, everyone scrambled to give their papers in. At exactly 1:00, the professor looked at the pile of tests on his desk and gave a satisfied smirk. Looking up to ensure that the classroom was indeed empty, to his astonishment, he saw David, sitting in the back of the classroom, oblivious to the empty room…. still filling in his test. Now the professor wasn’t going to tolerate such behavior, and he told David “you know that you failed, don’t you”, but David politely ignored him and went on writing. Now the professor was getting angry. He not-so-nicely told David to bring his paper up to the desk, but David smiled sweetly and continued. By now, the professor was ready to blow his top. He yelled at David, but David calmly nodded and kept on writing. After 45 minutes of the professor steaming behind the teacher’s desk, and David writing in all the answers, David stood up and walked to the teacher’s desk. About to blow up, the professor yelled “you went 45 minutes over the limit! You failed your exam!” David asked the professor “do you know who I am?” The professor said “I don’t care if you’re the president’s son, you FAILED!” David again asked “do you know who I am?” The professor yelled “I don’t care who you are. You can be the dean’s son for all I know. BUT YOU FAILED!” David said again “do you know who I am?” Screaming, the professor said “NO!!!” So David very calmly said “good”, and he stuck his test into the middle of the pile of tests, and walked out of the room.
Now that’s a lawyer!
So it’s a good thing that I added that detail in right?
Oh, ok areivim. I guess I’ll just leave it up to my imagination 😉
I just got this in an email from my friend. it’s SCARY how true it all is!
How many Nshei Chayil does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what seminary she went to. Everything depends on what seminary she went to.
How many BYA girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, and the rest to take pictures.
How many Hadar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw in the bulb, the rest to say Tehillim.
How many Bnos Chava girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to call the electrician – no one wants to get her hands dirty.
How many BJJ girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None – they have Emunah that it will fix itself.
How many Yavneh girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None – they don’t realize that the light went out; the light of Torah keeps them going.
How many BY Intensive girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None – -they’re too busy changing diapers instead.
How many Briskers does it take to change a light bulb?
That was a trick question. Briskers don’t have electricity.
How many Lakewooders does it take to change a light bulb?
None – they try to change the world instead.
How many Chofetz Chaim boys does it take to change a light bulb?
One to screw it in, and the rest to run to the Rosh Yeshivah to make sure its okay.
How many BYDM teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to realize that only he can change himself, one step at a time.
How many BYDM girls does it take to change a light bulb?
None. When the light bulb breaks, they just sit down and have a kumzits.
How many Seminar girls does it take to change a light bulb?
One to fix it, and the rest to make up songs and call their friends up and tell them about their latest sem scare.
I don’t know anything about these seminaries, but even so that is very funny
It would be a lot funnier if you actually knew what the seminaries and the girls that go there are like. But yes, it is funny nonetheless.
BS”D
How many Nshei Chayil does it take to change a light bulb?
It depends on what seminary she went to. Everything depends on what seminary she went to.
And here I thought it all depends on what color tablecloth she uses on Shabbos!
plonisalmonis, LOL!!!
The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
– Harold Coffin
kapusta, who does?
lol
lol plonisalmonis i was literally laughing out loud since i know all those places!!!
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