- This topic has 2,003 replies, 182 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 2 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
Please! Don’t tell Obama what goes after a trillion!!
Which smartypants taught him ‘a trillion’ to begin with?!
WARNING FROM PAKISTAN
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military actions against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities intend to cut off America ‘s supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6 Managers.
And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, Cab drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL customer Service Reps. Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more candidates for President of the United States !
It’s gonna get ugly!!!
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
A little 4 yr. old girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fire flies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
“That’s interesting,” she said, “How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change “y” to “i” and add “es.”
(What English Teacher wouldn’t love that one?)
Mommy Test
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been laying outside, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty and probably has germs,” I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”
“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, “All Moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the Test you have to be the Daddy!”
“Exactly!” I replied back
BS”D
OK time for another Carlebach:
“Oy, holy brothers and holy sisters, I want you to know, I want you to know, what is it again I wanted you to know, oy mamash a gevald I want you to know that there is a holy brother, so special, so holy, he sits now in jail for 150 years the judge is sending him because, oy, so special, so holy, he take money from people such a gevald, he say from him they will have money in their old age, mamash even until more than 120, such a gevald.
But oh, my holy brothers and my holy sisters, this holy Jew, this special holy Jew, his name is Bernard Madoff, he pays the people who give him money, mamash so holy, so special, only from other people who are giving him their money that for them is so holy, so special.
And I want you to know, I want you to know, that if you do that, holy brothers and sisters, mamash a gevald what I want you to know, that if you do that and your name is such a holy Jewish name like Madoff so special like Shereshevsky, I want you to know, I want you to know, you go straight to jail for many, many years, such a gevald, so low a place, jail is the lowest place in the world…
But I want you to know, such a gevald, you want to run this kind of a business, that is named for such a holy tzaddik called Ponzi, just you must always remember, you must always remember to change your name that is so holy and so special, no matter how special, how holy, mamash so holy your name is to you.
Because I want you to know that the only way you can get away with making a business like the tzaddik Reb Ponzi who was so holy and so special, is if you change your name….you must change your name to a name that is so holy you can never go to jail with such a name….
That name, so holy, so special, it is mamash a gevald, it is the holiest of holies, the sweetest of the sweet, it is the name Social Security…the hoooolllyy name of Sooooocial Security, Social Security, Social Security….
Tune: Mizmor Shir Leyoim HaShabbos…
Your holy zayde is getting
Sociallll Security
Because your holy tatty is paying
Social Security
And when your tatty is needing
Sociallll Security
You will be the one paying
Social Security
But when you are the one needing
Socialllll Security
Who will be paying
Social Security?
Your children’s children
Will keep paying
Soooocial Security
No one will soon see one cent
And no more security
All of America is wanting
Social Security
But soon there is no more money
For Social Security
Obama prints more money
For Sociallll Security
Just like Madoff took money
And promised security
I am not waiting
For Socialll Security
I print my own moneeeyyy
For the only real security….
Disorder in American Courts:
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when you’re picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
And saving the best for last…
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?’ He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
BS”D
A kid got sick of his tzioini grandfather telling him stories of how he cleared the swamps, paved roads and built buildings when he was a young man.
So the boy said: “Saba, I did not know you were Nigerian when you were younger!”
kilobear, CHUTZPAH!!
BS”D
It is an old one and punch line used to be “an Arab” but nowadays Arabs don’t work in EY so I changed it :).
kilobear!! Why don’t just put out a comedy CD featuring…..
That SS song is too good, especially the end! ha!!!
May be old, but still humorous!
YOU KNOW THE ECONOMY IS BAD WHEN:
12. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses – GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children’s names.
5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?”
3. Motel Six won’t leave the lights on.
2. The Mafia is laying off judges.
And the best indicator of all:
1. If the bank returns your check marked as “insufficient funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
mepal, last one was EXCELLENT!
ambush reminded me of this old old one on the tough choice thread.
A newly married wife, having time off from work, made elaborate four course dinners for her new husband. Every night, after dinner, she would ask him how it was. Every night he would reply, “Wonderful, but nothing like my mothers.” One day, the poor wife got caught up in something and unfortunately forgot about supper. That night, forgetting that her supper burned, she asked her daily, “How was supper?” He answers: “Ahh, finally you got it right! just like my mothers!”
Ha ha kapusta! cute!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
In memory
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
lol mepal!!!
Speaking about chutzpat, kilobear, that last one reminds me of a text I got before Pesach regarding birchas hachame.
A kid was acting up and his father threatened him saying if you don’t behave, I won’t take you tomorrow morning to birchas hachama. The kid answered, “If you’re not nice to me, I won’t take you next time!”
~a~
ha ha, anonymisss! good one!
There was a student that made a lot of problems in class; he fought with classmates, made a lot of noise
The teacher tried a lot of things, but nothing helped.
Father: What do you want me to do?
Teacher: Maybe take him for a check-up.
Father: How is that going to help?
Teacher: Maybe the child should take Ritalin (a calming drug).
Father: How am I going to get this Ritalin?
Father: Who is going to remember to give it to the child every day in a house full of children?
The father agreed to the plan. Every morning the teacher prepared the pill next to the coffee machine and went into class. After a few minutes the child would come in with the coffee, and everything went fine.
Child: Great!
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland …
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: ‘Polish Remover’
Israel is a country where the same drivers who cuss you and flip you
the bird will immediately pull over and offer you all forms of help if
you look like you need it.
Israel is the only country in the world with bus drivers and taxi
drivers who read Spinoza and Maimonides.
Israel is the only country in the world where no one cares what rules
say when an important goal can be achieved by bending them.
Israel is the only country in the world where reservists are bossed
around and commanded by officers, male and female, younger than their
own children.
Israel is the only country in the world where20″small talk” consists of
loud, angry debate over politics and religion.
Israel is the only country in the world where the coffee is already so
good that Starbucks went bankrupt trying to break into the local
market.
Israel is the only country in the world whose soldiers eat three sets
of salads a day, none of which contain any=2 0lettuce (which is not
really a food), and where olives ARE a food and even a main course in
a meal, rather than something one tosses into a martini.
Israel is the only country in the world where one is unlikely to be
able to dig a cellar without hitting ancient archeological artifacts.
Israel is the only country in the world where the leading writers in
the country take buses.
Israel is the only country in the world where the “black folks”
walking around all wear yarmulkes.
Israel is the only country in the world that has a National Book Week,
during which almost everyone attends a book fair and buys books.
Israel is the only country in the world where the ultra-Orthodox Jews
beat up the police and not the other way around.
Israel is the only country in the world where inviting someone
“out for a drink” means drinking cola, coffee or tea.
Israel is the only country in the world where bank robbers kiss the
mezuzah as they leave with their loot. (Loved this one)
Israel is one of the few countries in the world that truly likes and
admires the United States .
Israel is the only country in the world that introduces applications
of high-tech gadgets and devices, such as printers in banks that print
out your statement on demand, years ahead of the United States and
decades ahead of Eur ope .
Israel is the only country in the world that has the weather and
landscape of California without the earthquakes.
Israel is the only country in the world where everyone on a flight
gets to know one another before the plane lands. In many cases, they
also get to know the pilot and all about his health or marital
problems.
Israel is the only country in the world where no one has a foreign
accent because everyone has a foreign accent.
Israel is the only country in the world where people cuss using dirty
words in Russian or Arabic because Hebrew has never developed them.
Israel is the only country in the world where patients visiting
physicians end up giving the doctor advice.
Israel is the only country in the world where everyone strikes up
conversations while waiting in lines.
Israel is the only country in the world where people call an attache
case a “James Bond” and the “@” sign is called a “strudel”.
Israel is the only country in the world where there is the most
mysterious and mystical calm ambience in the streets on Yom Kippur,
which cannot be explained unless you have experienced it.
Where people read English, write Hebrew, and joke in Yiddish
An interesting item:
Today on July 8 comes the moment that can be called 12:34:56 7/8/9
It happens only once over the course of history
1. squeak mentioned this hours ago in the “This date in history” thread
2. Why do you say once in the course of history? What about 1909, 1809, 1709?
mod, they probably didnt use clocks in 1709 and maybe 1809. The 1909 part still has some fighting value.
areivimzehlazeh: July 8, 2090 would be better:
12:34:56 7/8/90 (12345679890)!!!!!
Hiya all! I’m still in camp but I got access to a computer for a fer hours so I was just checking up on this thread and I think it needs help so here’s one that popped into my head. Enjoy it and PLEASE keep this thread alive!
A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
“You haven’t been painting as much road as you did on the first day,” the manager said. ”What’s the problem?”
”I’d be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!”’
h2, if I may say so, I think this thread HAS gotten lots of ATT lately!
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director: “How do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.”
‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.’
‘Oh, I understand,’ I said. ‘A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.’
‘No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?’
ahhh what a relief to laugh without a care in the world! oh! what! wait! oh no i just missed my flight aughhhh!!!!!!
LIFE’S OBSERVATIONS:
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea.”
I have my own little world. But it’s OK, they know me here.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Yay! So you’re back with us! 😉
Who ever left?!?!?! 😉
kapusta, read yossi’s post.
btw, good lines there!
whoops! I didnt connect the two… must have been too early for me. I gotta get back into my regular schedule. 😉
Its not my fault that I’m a baby, that’s the way I was born!
mepal: i am not really back. gotta prepare for my brother’s chasuna and IF i find another yeshiva i don’t know if i will have internet access (i am very sad about that) (why am i posting this in the humor column?)
Wow! Thats fun! Anyways, good to see you around, when you get a chance! Mazel tov! Much hatzlacha finding a yeshiva…(I thought you were up to teaching already??)
New Year’s Resolutions for peopel who are addicted to YWN coffe room…
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
When I hear “Where do you want to go today?” I will not reply “MS Tech Support.”
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than “password.”
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 6:30 is much more practical.
I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
LOL! Very good, BY2! Is that your own?
In a slalom race, the skier must pass through about 20
“gates” in the fastest time.
Well, it happened that a very Orthodox Yeshiva in Montreal had an exceptional skier among its students.. So fast, that in practice, with tzitzis streaming out behind, he had beaten the world record several times.
After first checking to make sure none of the men’s slalom races
would be on the Sabbath, he tried out for and made the Canadian Winter Olympic team. With his times in the trial heats, he was the favorite for an Olympic gold medal.
Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation.
The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds.
The Swiss in 38.7 seconds.
The German in 37.8 seconds.
The Italian in 38.1 seconds.
Then came the turn of the Canadian Yeshiva “bocher.” The
crowd waited,
and waited………
Finally, after a full five minutes, he crossed the finish line.
“What happened to you?” screamed his coach when the skier finally arrived.
Breathing hard, the exhausted yeshiva student replied, “All right,
who’s the wise guy who put a mezuzah on every gate?”
As you know, US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
fell and broke her right elbow, earlier this week.
The same day, she was telling Israel, yet again, how the US will accept nothing less than a complete cessation of construction in the settlements, including “East” Jerusalem.
I am reminded of: If I forget thee O Jerusalem, let my right hand wither ?? ????? ??????? ???? ?????
…nameless, the next part could be quite interesting: “tidbak leshoni….”
;
mepal: i have been teaching since i was in sixth grade! 🙂 (i was a teachers aid in-between limudei kodesh and limudei chol and then eventually i started one-on-one)
Stamp Malfunction
The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.
However, the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing, and $1.73 million in congressional spending,
a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
*The stamp is in perfect order.
*There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
*People are spitting on the wrong side.
ok, sounds interesting!
that was for yossi.
for h2’s sake, have a heart and help me keep this thread alive!
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: “Hey, you got a telephone in there?”
The guy in the Rolls says, “Yes, of course I do.”
“I got one too… see?”
“Uh, huh, yes, that’s very nice.”
Then the man in the Granada says, “You got a fax machine?”
“Why, actually, yes, I do.”
“I do too! See? It’s right here!”
“Uh-huh.”
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, “So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?”
And the guy in the Rolls says, “NO! Do
you?”
“Yep, got my double bed right in back here – see?!”
The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.
The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, “Hey. Remember me?”
“Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What’s up?”
“Check this out – I got a double bed
installed in my Rolls.”
And the man in the Granada says, “YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!”
kapusta, will try my best 😉
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.