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mepal- lol sure we can- were (in)famous for our one of a kind wit!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?”
Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said: “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”
And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
yossi z.: yes you did just volunteer there! your on for a day next week! start preparing now please!
72: save yossi z. a DT slot next week please!
noitallmr: Maybe you should get another type of wit then 😉
lol h2!
BS”D
‘may be repost’
A representative of D*** E***, an organization which L”A seeks to turn yeshiva bochurim off the derech, entered a well known Yerushalayim yeshiva and started to talk to the bochurim. Getting nowhere, he approached one particular masmid and invited him to do something ossur that Friday night.
The bochur refused, saying his family had been talmidei chochomim going back to Rashi’s times and if nothing else he could not let his family down.
The mesis then asked: “And what if your family had been horse thieves, swindlers, lowlifes and moisrim ever since Rashi?”
The bochur replied: “In that case I’d be frei like you and I’d already be going to wherever you want to take me Friday night!”
kapusta, did you mean unqualified? Qualified doesn’t seem to make sense…
aussieboy: thanx boss but I’m managing just fine with mine as it is!!!
noitallmr, are you back full force yet?
Never mind. I just realized you’re not 🙁
Not yet mepal- it’s definitely on the schedgy though!!!
When are you off on your hols?
o.k. jax you asked for it i am ready and able but don’t expect anything too sharp we’re only learning the sixth perek in brochos for summer zman
By the way, h2, a duck dosen’t have a tail!!!
(“before de tail.”)
A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them.
The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants.
The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won’t get thirsty.
Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.
The judge asked, “Why in the world would you want to take a car door?” The man replies, “Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window.”
BS”D
I just got a new and simplified guide to the 39 melochos in English.
It is called “39 Easy Ways to Get Stoned!”
BS”D
(may be repost)
A Colombian drug dealer, a Brooklyn Mafioso and a Mossad agent were sentenced to death in Iran.
Each was asked whether he had any last wishes.
The Colombian asked if he could be buried in his native village. His wish was granted.
The Mafioso wanted to be buried next to John Gotti. His wish was granted.
The Mossad agent announced: “Your honor, I wish to be buried next to the greatest leader Iran has ever had, the great hero of the Islamic faith, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad!”
The judge replied: “But he is not dead!”
The Mossad agent told him: “That’s OK, I’ll wait!”
BS”D
I was asked to write my own obituary.
So I ended it off with “Publication Postponed Indefinitely”!
BS”D
When the shadchan says: “Yossi has a very rich uncle who will pay for him to learn for the next seven years.” he means “Yossi was just sentenced to seven years in Federal kollel, all expenses paid by Uncle Sam”.
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
h2, if we add a little oxygen to your name, would we get water???
A woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her Rabbi she had one final requests.
She wanted to be buried in Bloomingdales.
“Bloomingdales!” the Rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”
“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
-We could certainly slow the aging process if it had to work its way through congress.
-I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon, then it’s time for my nap.
-Money can’t buy happiness, but it does bring a more pleasant form of misery.
-By all means marry. If you get a good spouse you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
-The only reason people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar territory.
-Intelligence is when you spot the flaw in your boss’s reasonning.
Wisdom is when you refrain from pointing it out.
-We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
-Politics is like inflation. The more we have of it, the more things cost.
– A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove you don’t need it.
-Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
-The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
-I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
-Caution – I was not hired for my disposition
-In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates
-hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
-The best revenge is to live long enough to be a nuisance to your kids.
Top nine Most Common Visiting Day Sightings at any Jewish Summer Camp
9. Completely staged cleanliness – clothing folded, beds made, bunks Pesadick
8. That camp alumni-fanatic who comes back every year, though now in his 40’s, still wearing the same skin tight camp t-shirt.
7. A golf-cart driving way too fast to address a “serious emergency”; meaning either some item was found with an unreliable hechsher in the canteen, or major camp donor accidentally found his way into messy room.
6. Family having picnic made up of tin-foil shabbos leftovers setup adjacent to Family with tuna sandwiches from Subway
5. Walmart gets free advertising!
4. Jewish Mothers who, by the end of the day, have begun accosting strangers and staff members with the line, “You look very familiar..Are you a Goldberg?”
3. The one kid whose parents didn’t visit, will probably be in therapy for the rest of his life because of it.
2. The over-the-top food package, with enough Pringles cans and water bottles to end starvation in Africa.
I see h2 and A600kilo are attempting to take over my “joke of the day gabbai” title by posting some excellent jokes, I will not stand for that, however they are welcome to become partners with me and mepal, as long as mepal clears it.
gotta get back on track here…
At New York’s Kennedy airport today an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a square, a slide rule, and a calculator.
The Attorney General believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed”, the Attorney General said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangent in a search of absolute value. They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like “x” and “y”, and, although they are frequently referred to as “unknowns”, we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
“As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle.” When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”
BS”D
Considering that 98% of my material is original, the only time I can usually post my jokes is at odd hours of the night if I am up working and need a break, or on Fridays and Sundays which are slow days in the summer. (If you have seen any of my stuff before, it is only because I may have posted it somewhere else as is the case with the Mossad agent joke and the D**s E**s joke). So, Kapusta, you do not lose your title from my end :).
kapusta I posted some humor just for you!
-Intelligence is when you spot the flaw in your boss’s reasonning.
Wisdom is when you refrain from pointing it out.
I love it!
I posted mine before yours went up. Thanx!!! I appreciate it!
H2, bas yisroel, a600kilobear all jokes and humorous items are more then welcome here! As long as you dont desert us without getting your departure approved by us first!
that math one sounds like it was written by icot 😉
AOB, yea, it does, I stole it off a site though. Now we have to find out if its ICOT’s. 😉
kapusta, I actually saw that math one in a Lakewood circular some ummm…odd five years ago!
All jokes were excellent! Keep them coming!
Have no fear- I don’t intend to take over anyone’s job, I’m just helping my favorite thread stay alive. Oh btw, I’m leaving to camp on tues. morning so that’s the end of this for a month. When I come back, I expect to see this thread still on the home page. I know my good freinds here won’ t let me down. And now for tonight’s joke…
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”
To which the man replied, “No sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today, and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.
The Redneck said, “I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it.”
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!”
12 ways to annoy telemarketers
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!”
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”
8. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
9. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
10. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them! “I’m so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…”
BS”D
Too good to be true.
The English language directions on a package of Sano washing powder from EY sold here read as follows (paraphrased from memory; certified kanoim like me don’t buy Sano so I don’t have the package at home :)):
Use 100 mls for 5 kgs of laundry. Be sure that you fully understand the Hebrew text before using and have it explained to you as necessary.
(I’d like to see them try that for the Arabic directions, which were indeed quite detailed).
But nothing beats the slogan on old boxes of Turkish Bingo washing powder which were quite common in Moscow a few years ago: “White Power with Hygiene”!
h2, lol!
broch- I got that email about 3 years ago and tried some of them; did #10 twice. It’s worth every side splitting, cheek biting minute. Do it! :):)
Sadie Cohen lived in an integrated neighborhood
on Long Island. Her neighbor was a very generous
Black woman who stopped in one Saturday and asked,”Mrs. Cohen, I have to go to NYC this afternoon to meet my daughter, can I get you anything?
Mrs. Cohen thanked her and exclaimed “Listen, I have a commuter’s ticket for the train. Why don’t you
use my ticket and you’ll bring it back tonight. After all, it’s all paid for – why should you pay extra.” The neighbor thanked her and got on the train. As the conductor came through the train, he happened to glance at the ticket and noticed the name “Sadie Cohen”
“Excuse me madam, are you Sadie Cohen the person whose name appears on this ticket?”
The woman smiled sweetly and shook her head
affirmatively.
A little suspicious, the conductor asked “Would you let me compare signatures – would you please sign your name?”
The Black lady turned indignantly and snapped, “Man are you crazy? You want me to write on Shabbos?”
h2, have a wonderful time in camp!
broch, areivim, someone once decided to prove that no one really cares when they ask you how you are, so they replied, instead of the standard, “fine”, “I’m dead” the other side went right on talking. 🙂
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-Jimmy Durante
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-Mark Twain
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
He who smiles in a crisis has someone in mind to blame.
Laugh at your problems; everyone else does.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
Honest is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.
*I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
*Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most
stop talking; I’m almost out of aspirin.
-Work harder millions on welfare depend on you
-Pay someone a compliment while it’s still tax free
Alcohol may not be the answer, but it sure helps forget the question.
~a~
I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
He who smiles in a crisis has someone in mind to blame.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Honest is the best policy, but insanity is the better defense.
ha ha broch! Those were really good!
anonymisss, you got the wrong thread! 😉 lol
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
And how about these great advertisements:
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experienced preferred.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.
This thread was falling too far down, we have to keep up with what h2’s directions.
A man went into his shrink’s office and says, “Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I’m a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last nigh,t I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?”
“Relax,” says the shrink, “You’re just having an auto-body experience.”
BS”D
Not original:
Jack Schwartz, a none too frum Jew, ended up in the mental hospital. Since he wanted to be excused from some of the more meaningless therapy once a week and get better food, he told psychiatrists he was indeed “Orthodox”.
All went well for a while, and he was happy with his kosher food and his excused absence from basket weaving on Shabbos.
However, one Saturday morning, his doctor came in and saw him smoking on Shabbos. He threatened to cancel the kosher food and excused absences because Schwartz was so clearly a fake.
Schwartz told the Jewish doctor: “What do you mean? Of course I can smoke on Shabbos! I’m meshugge, remember!?”
A600Kilo, I like that one! original or not. (btw, since when do we announce when its not original? none of mine were, do you really want me to give away my lack of a sense of humor?!?! ;))
mepal, was that sadie cohen from an aish related site?
School Best Sellers
Walking To School The First Day Back – by Misty Bus
The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me – by I. Rhoda Bike
Can’t See The Chalkboard – by Sidney Backrow
Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School – by Major Crackupp
What I Dislike About Returning To School – by Mona Lott
Making It Through The First Week Of School – by Gladys Saturday
Is Life Over When Summer Ends? – by Midas Welbee
What I Love About Returning To School – by I.M. Kidding
Will Jimmy Finally Graduate? – by I. Betty Wont
What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School – by U. Will Gettitt
kapusta, it was from an email I got. No clue of the source.
mepal, thats my type of joke to start. 😉 I think I know what site its from, is there a link or does it say its from somewhere in the original? k if its too complicated then forget it.
I LOVE really awful puns.
Not complicated at all! Hold on while I check…
Oh well, I think I permanently deleted it. I dont think it had a lind to a site though.
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