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Things Not To Say During Childbirth….
— Gosh, you’re lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
— Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
— I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
— If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
— That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
— When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
— You don’t need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
— This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
— Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
— Stop your swearing and just breathe.
— Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You’re not using the right words.
— Your stomach still looks like there’s another one in there.
And the #1 no no is: “If you can still tell me that it hurts, it doesn’t really hurt yet.”
A guy was waiting while his wife was having a baby,it was taking very long and was very painful, so he was getting very tense pacing up and down the hallways, finally the midwife comes out and tells congratulations you wife just had a girl. he says a girl, B”h she’s not gonna have to go through what I just went through!
this thread coin not fall off the page. I refuse, wheres mepal or BY2?
Q: why are there no phonebooks in China?
A: There are so many Wings and Wongs they’re afraid you’ll wing the wong number.
why do psychics ask you your name?
kapusta: lol! nice one there!
For everyone in the CR who needs some help smiling. 🙂
Brain Exercise
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: “If you don’t use it, you will lose it” also applies to the brain.
Below is a very private way to gage your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said “toast”, then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, “bread”, go to question 2.
2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk”. What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk”, please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as “Children’s World”. If you said, “water” then proceed to question three.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks”, what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said “glass”, then go on to
question four.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s land” between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors – East Germany or West Germany or in “no man’s land”?
Answer: You don’t, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, “Don’t bury the survivors” then proceed to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said “360 degrees” or anything other than “one degree”, you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
kapusta, lol, thanx!
~a~
Kapusta you actually made me laugh there! Good one! lol:)
actually? do you have a hard time laughing or no sense of humor? 🙂
i got out on the 2nd question ;0(
goody. :/ a sense of humor makes life a lot easier.
goody613- admit it- you still read it till the end???
(Like I did!!! 😉
Adopted?
After 50 years of wondering why he didn’t look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.
“Yes, you were son,” his mother said as she started to cry softly. “but it didn’t work out and they brought you back.”
kapusta: good one there!
reminds me of the joke, kid keeps walking out his back door to the backyard & never shuts the door! mom keeps yelling at him to shut the door! finally mom says ”son were you born in a barn?!” son says ”no, in hospital with revolving doors!”
lol!
I got out on question number
1, 2, 3, 4, and 6 lol
kapusta, thanks, lol!!
jax, good one!
~a~
nice one kapusta!!!;)
A guy comes home during sefira and asks his wife whats for supper tonight?
“last night was shnitzel” she replies!
yeshivahman- Lol nice one.
You in Yeshiva? Sounds like a very yeshivisher joke to me?
*Little Johnny Meets Barack Obama*
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he
visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a
discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher
asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion
on the word ‘tragedy.’ So our illustrious president asked
the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’
One little boy stood up and offered: ‘If my best
friend, who lives on a
farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over
him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.’
‘No,’ said Obama, ‘that would be an accident.’
A little girl raised her hand: ‘If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.’
‘I’m afraid not,’ explained Obama. ‘That’s what we
would call great loss.’
The room went silent No other children volunteered..
Obama searched the
room. ‘Isn’t there someone here who can give me an
example of a tragedy?’
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised
his hand. In a quiet
voice he said: ‘If the plane carrying you and Mrs.
Obama was struck by a
‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy.’
‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed Obama. ‘That’s right. And can
you tell me why that would be tragedy?’
‘Well,’ says the boy, ‘It has to be a tragedy,
because it certainly wouldn’t
be a great loss…and it probably wouldn’t be an
accident either.’
WOW!! i have to agree to that one mepal!! 🙂
mepal: HAHA! 🙂
am I the only one keeping this thread alive? wheres mepal and BY2?
A Blonde Game Of Intelligence
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
Ha kapusta- for the first time in my life- it feels good to be a Blonde!!!
you too, noitallmr?? hey are there any brown-haired guys in the cr?
Here’s one I heard a while ago:
We all do weird things. The difference between a normal person and a crazy person, is only the frequency and intensity…
BS”D
If only I responded to every spam I received in my numerous inboxes:
I would be three or four times as wealthy as Bill Gates, Lakshmi Mittal and Warren Buffett combined and have a credit limit to match.
I would lose a total of thirty-five tons of body weight in three weeks, putting my body weight at 600 kilos minus 35 tons which is negative -34400 kilos or so assuming the spammers know I am in a metric zone where a ton = 1000 kgs.
I would have a warehouse full of free Mac Powerbooks, iPods, gas cards and Target gift cards.
I would have rescued the fortunes of the widows and children of countless African dictators, as well as that of former Russian oligarch Mikhail Khodorkovsky (spelled several ways) and that of Yasser Arafat der tzoirer ymach shmo 50 times a piece, and gotten 20% on each deal, thereby increasing item 1) to include the Sultan of Brunei as well.
I would have so many samples of different strength enhancers and vitamins that I would be able to lift the Empire State Building 1000 times without stopping.
I would grow so much hair that I would be able to provide sheitlach for Lakewood, Monsey and and most of frum Brooklyn after one haircut.
I would have so many free weeks in timeshares that I would have to take vacation for the next 150 years to enjoy them….
BS”D
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, John Demjanjuk and Hugo Chavez fall together from a 100 story tower. Who falls to the ground first?
Who cares?!?!
an open book: ha yeah seems not!
kapusta: good one! think we had a similar one like that!
Jax, probably, ask aussie. 🙂
kapusta: Im pretty sure we have had it before (and not to long ago)
aussie, I thought so too, I thought I could get away with it, guess you’re too good. 🙂
Conversation between a young guy in kollel and his grandmother. Grandmother is giving directions to her apartment, once inside her apartment building.
“…so you’ll call the elevator with your right elbow, then wait until whoever is exiting the elevator opens the door for you, if its empty, than wait until someone comes in. Once your in the elevator, push the button for the fourth floor with your right pinky, than when you get to the third floor push open the elevator door with your left foot. when you get to my apartment, knock with your right elbow. “
“ok, but one question, why cant I do everything with my hands? why my elbow, foot, etc?”
“you mean you’re coming empty handed?”
Ha Ha…have heard it many times but nothing like seeing it in print.
And don’t worry when you arrive in Liverpool- I’ll hold the door of my black limo open for you and help you deposit your sacks full of jackpot!!!
😉
make sure the limo is refrigerated, I’ll be bringing some kapusta with me. 😉
kapusta: great joke! in noitallmr’s hey day’s he used to be King of this thread! 😉
wasnt I joke of the day gabbai or something? in any case I am the QUEEN of the whole wide CR!!!
kapusta: you sure was & still are!
Certainly am having a hay-day down here…there’s nothing like a good laugh I’m sure you’ll agree with me on that one Jax!!!
And yeah maskim- but it’s lucky Kapusta said she was queen of the whole CR and not of the humor thread because I’m king of the humor thread…
noitallmr: i do indeed agree pal! 😉
so noitall, any jokes you wanna share?
kapusta: I’m gonna have to check my email archives…will get back to you soon…
Overheard: One kangaroo mother to another
“These sleepovers are killing me”
squeak- Ha Ha Ha…that really made me laugh at my pc!
Good job!
squeak: good one!
not my best… 🙁
An American in England
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.
“You must mean the lift,” he said.
“No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.”
“Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts”.
“Now you listen”, the American said rather irritated, “someone in America invented the elevator.”
“Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.”
hey, look, if you have anything better, tell me.
Inner Peace
IF………………..
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you anytime,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
…Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.
mepal, does this mean you’re coming on back to the humor thread? And that we’re actually on together? WOW!
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