- This topic has 2,003 replies, 182 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This
> should klear up
> konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
such as cabbage in favor of kapusta… 😉
some more kapusta humor…
You know you are in deep trouble when…
* The stewardess on your American Airlines flight tells you NOT to fasten your seatbelt.
* Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.
* You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your late car payment.
* The little league puts you on waivers.
* Your suggestion box starts ticking.
* Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DEA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
* You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
* You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
* They pay your wages out of petty cash.
* You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you’ve ever had.
* Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.
* The simple instructions enclosed aren’t.
* A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
* Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
* The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
* The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did; not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 😉
kapusta: those were all great! thanx!
* The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
this one i really like!
kapusta: Wow i heard that only a few hours before i read it on here.
Why does everyone say its in the last place that you look? Of course its in the last place you look! Who continues to look after they found it?
An Alberta couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at
the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
earlier.Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Calgary and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in
her email address,and without realizing his error, sent the email to a
wrong person!!Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home
from her husband’s funeral.The widow decided to check her email expecting messages
from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found
his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To:
My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: January 17, 2008
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers
here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I’ve seen that everything
has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to
seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!
squeak: although I ‘heil’ from Germany, I’m not that proficient in the language.
I guess you hail from the English-speaking part of Germany, then.
nah, it just didn’t get passed down the generations.
latte- welcome! head over to the New Members thread
a rabbi, priest and mullah are arguing over who has the best methods to convert someone. they all go into the forest and agree to meet in 3 days and whoever could convert a bear the best will win. 3 days later the priest comes and says, “I sprinkled some water on the bear and he’s going to “seminary” in a week”. the mullah says, “I put a turban on him and he’s going to mecca on the next flight”. they turn to the Rabbi who is in a body cast with scratches all over his body and he says “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the bris.”
outoftownjew- you entered the CR with a bang! That joke is great
head over to the New Members thread
Thank you, areivimzehlazeh. Here’s another one if the moderator will let it through. A few weeks late.
They used to say that a black person would not be elected president of the United States until pigs flew, a hundred days of Obama and swine flu!
Whose cruel idea was it to put the S in lisp?
I dont want cake on my birthday i want it everyday.
Whats up? gas prices.
“Don’t follow in my footsteps; I run into walls…and doors…and trees…and chairs…and tables…and…”
latte: touche, touche. ;
hashem went arround offering his torah to all the nations
he asked edom if they wanted to torah. what does it say? they asked. hashem told them it says not to kill, they said it is not for us
he went to the arabs and asked them if they want the torah for themselves. they asked what it says. upon hearing the laws against stealing they turned down the offer.
then hashem went to lakewood. would you like the torah? they asked hashem to tell them what it says. “six days you are to work”. no thanx, this is not for us they said
🙂
Goldie, I don’t get it;(
~a~
anonymisss: the joke is 6days work–should be learning for da lakewooders!
oh, whoops, my bad;)
thanx, jax
~a~
anonymisss: glad to help ya! you’re to busy with the auction to chap it! 😉
😉
~a~
Why do unmarried girls go to daven at the Kosel?
To get used to yelling at the wall.
GoldieLoxx: I love it.
mepal: nice one there! 😉
mepal- that joke originates from a specific chassidus, but I can’t specify for obvious loshon horah reasons
really areivim? I didn’t know that. Hope I didn’t offend anyone.
offend? Not exactly. The original is even funnier 😉
Possibly a repeat… sorry if it is…
Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90’s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they’re reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man’s friend asks, “Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there’s baseball in heaven.”
The dying man said, “We’ve been friends for years, this I’ll do for you.” And then he dies.
A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend’s voice. The voice says, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there’s baseball in heaven.”
“What’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching on Wednesday.”
kapusta: wow that is an awesome one! loved it!
Jax, good. 🙂
I’m not sure what exactly this is, but its humor so I’ll put it here.
When my grandmother turned 50, she decided to keep in shape by running 5 miles a day. Now shes 84 and we havent a clue where she is.
a reform woman runs to her rabbi with a problem
woman: rabbi help me!!!
rabbi: whats the prob?
woman: i dont know what i am doing wrong. my son went off to college he met some people on the campus and now he is wearing a kippa tzitzis and keeping kosher
rabbi: hmm
woman: not only that, my youngest daughter, samantha, is now asking to be called shoshana and it looks like she will be getting married to a chassid!! what should i do??
rabbi: check your mezzuzas
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is
Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, ‘What happened, what’s the hold
Up?’
‘Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey,
Rosie O’Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10
Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and
set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.’
The driver asks, ‘On average, how much is everyone giving?’
‘About a gallon.’
There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb. We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It’s called a mortgage.
very good latte 🙂
Mort Cohen calls the funeral parlor, “I need to make arrangements for my wifes funeral.”
The secretary answers, “Mr. Cohen, we buried your beloved wife eight years ago.”
Mort replies, “I know, but since then I got remarried.”
The secretary responds, “Oh, Mazel Tov!”
mod42- how should I laugh? 😉
areivim, your choice
~a~
how does your bro laugh- that should make my decision easier
areivim: maybe like the drunkin guy on purim’s laugh! 😉
a poster read as follows:
TEENAGERS!
Tired of being harassed by your stupid parents?
Act now!
Move out….
Get a job….
Pay your own bills….
Do it while you still know everything
🙂
Jax
Member
areivim: maybe like the drunkin guy on purim’s laugh! 😉
huh? who dat?
9 Things THAT REALLY ANNOY ME:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal !
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this?
5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?”. No, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
8. When people say “life is short”. What?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
what about people who say here are 9 things and only present 7. YW Moderator-72
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
My response to people who say, “Can I ask you a question?” is, “You’ve already asked one. But you may ask another,” (that’s only if I’m in the mood of being nice.)
~a~
A man walks into a tax attorney’s office. He says, “I have an issue with the IRS that I need help with. What are your rates?” The attorney replies, “$500 for every 3 questions.” The man is surprised and asks, “Isn’t that expensive?” The lawyer replies, “Yes, it is. Now, what is your third question?”
anonymisss, that’s what you do when you try being nice? Nasty! 😉
mepal, I always say the first part. If I’m in the mood of being nice, then I’ll allow another question to be asked. Get it?
~a~
anonymisss, I got it on the first try. I still believe its nasty 😉
A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
He has to take an eye sight test.
The DMV clerk person shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
“Can you read this?” the DMV examiner asks.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replies, “I know him. I used to date his sister.”
BEING RETIRED
Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, ‘Come on, man, don’t you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren’t you out chasing crooks or child molesters…that’s out of your league, obviously!!! He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a ‘Nazi.’ He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him ‘Barney Fife’. He finished th e second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn’t care….. I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said ‘OBAMA’ in 08. I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired. It’s important to my health.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.