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Posts
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not my best…
NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the earth and made an attempt to include passengers of all races, colour and creed. They recently realized they had excluded the clergy, so they invited a priest, a minister, and a rabbi to orbit the earth in a shuttle.
Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions. First the priest emerged, beaming and happy; his statement was full of joy. He said, “It was totally amazing. I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans.”
Then the minister emerged, also happy and at peace. He said, “I saw the magnificent earth, our home. I saw the majestic sun. I’m truly in awe.”
Then the rabbi came out. He was completely dishevelled, his beard was tangled and in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can’t imagine. They asked him, “Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?”
He threw his hands in the air crazily and replied, “ENJOY??? What was to enjoy? Oy! Every five minutes the sun was rising and setting! On with the tefillin, off with the tefillin, Mincha, Maariv, Mincha, Maariv… Oy Gevalt!!!!!!”
so good it bears repeating, from the time before B”Y left.
BasYisroel2
Member
Top ten ways you know you are on a bad date:
10. I am so not getting onto OnlySimchas.com with this guy/girl
9. Please Please Hashem, let there be no one here I know
8. That’s so weird, this ceiling has 48 tiles. Unlike the floor which has 47.
7. I now realize that “being set up” can mean two different things.
6. I’ll just spell “help” out with my utensils and maybe someone will understand.
5. I miss work.
4. Yisurin shel ahava… Yisurin shel ahava
3. If I call myself on my cell phone, will it ring?
2. This girl/guy puts the “uch” in shidduch.
1. I will never ever trust my mother again
Thanks ames and kapusta that shidduch one is one of my favorite and it has been unfortunately true!
kapusta, the shidduch one-perfect! so true!
~a~
ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE
They’re written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy……..
I’ve learned…. That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person..
I’ve learned…. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.
I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I’ve learned…. That being kind is more important than being right.
I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I’ve learned …. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.
I’ve learned…. That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I’ve learned…. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I’ve learned….. That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I’ve learned….. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.
I’ve learned….. That money doesn’t buy class.
I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I’ve learned… That under everyone’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated.
I’ve learned….. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts..
I ‘ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I’ve learned….. That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I’ve learned…. That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I’ve learned … That life is tough, but I’m tougher.
I’ve learned… That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I’ve learned…. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I’ve learned… That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
I’ve learned …. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.
I’ve learned…. That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.
I’ve learned…. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 am. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in MALAYSIA), John decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in AMERICA.
AND NOW HE’S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA
-I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
-What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
kapusta: 8. That’s so weird, this ceiling has 48 tiles. Unlike the floor which has 47.
Haha that made me smile 🙂
“Im not ADD im just. Hey look a bird”
Haha every time I think of this line I laugh 🙂
i love this thread! thanx guys for keeping the entertainment going here! keep em comin!
aussie, I’m lost.
One day, eight-year-old Melissa says to her mother, “Mommy, I’ve been thinking
about us humans and I’m a bit puzzled. How did we first appear on Earth?”
“That’s a very good question, darling,” her mother replies. “God made Adam and
Eve and they had children and then their children had children, and as a result,
mankind began.”
Later that day, Melissa asks her father the same question. “Daddy, how did we
humans first appear on earth?”
“That’s an intelligent question, Melissa,” he replies. “Millions of years ago
there were monkeys from which, gradually, the human race evolved.”
Melissa is confused by this answer and goes ba
ck to her mother. “Mommy,” she
asks, “how come you told me the human race was created by God, yet daddy said
they developed from monkeys?”
“Well darling,” replies her mother, smiling, “the answer is simple. I told you
about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”
aussie, I’m lost.
kapusta, if you don’t get it, I guess you’re not ADD.;)
~a~
One Sunday morning, the priest noticed Little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Little Johnny.”
“Good morning, Father,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Father Scott, what is this?” Little Johnny asked. “Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Johnny’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?”
kapusta: that’s a great one! i actually a while ago posted a similar joke like that, but with jews!
Jax, I was going through the jokes sometime recently and all the jokes are repeats!
kapusta: that’s funny, i guess we don’t even realize!
jax: Ive noticed it many times.
aussie, you remember every joke you hear and when? I have a joke bank in my head I remember it when I see the beginning but any other time I cant think of it.
kapusta: No, but I have a pretty good long term memory so I will remember that I saw that joke in the cr i just wont remember who said it or anything.
aussie: thats good. This way none of us look bad. 😉
oh, I remember jokes, but no source…
anyone have anything? this is the humor thread after all!
kapusta, has your humor supply run dry?
gimme some time and I’ll post some more.
Yesterday I answered a knock on the door to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
‘Good morning,’ said the young man. ‘If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.’
‘Go away!’ I said. ‘I haven’t got any money!’, ‘I’m broke!’ and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. ‘Don’t be too hasty!’ he said. ‘Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.’ And with that, he emptied a bucket of dirt onto my hallway carpet.
‘If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this dirt from your carpet, I will pers onally eat the remainder.’
I stepped back and said, ‘Well I hope you’ve got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of ‘broke’ do you not understand?
I’D LOVE TO BE 8 AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again’ she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early and made her a bowl of Coco Pops and jammy toasties!
He took her to Luna Park and put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away they went to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to the movies: the latest Kiddies three hour epic cartoon, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her
favourite lolly and M&Ms! What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked ‘Well dear, what was it like being eight again?’
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed to one of total realisation…’I meant my dress size…’
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, ‘The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.’
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Vodka, a package of Oreos, the remainder of an old Vicodin prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now!
Sick Leave
>
> I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not
> allow me to take leave.
> I thought that maybe if I acted ‘Crazy’ then he would tell me to take a
> few days off.
> So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
> My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing.
> I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
> might think I was ‘Crazy’ and give me a few days off.
> A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, ‘What in
> the name of good GOD are you doing?’
> I told him I was a light bulb.
> He said, ‘You are clearly stressed out.’ Go home and recuperate for a
> couple of days.’
> I jumped down and walked out of the office…
> When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, ‘..And
> where do you think you’re going?!’
>
> (You’re gonna love this….)
>
> She said, ‘I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.’
mepal, that was GOOOOOOOD!
~a~
After years and years of construction on the BQE, I noticed the following graffiti near a road sign that said “Construction Zone”:
“Scientists estimate that the Sun will continue to function for another 1.1 Billion years. Too bad the construction crew will have to finish their work in the dark.”
squeak, 😉
~a~
mepal, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! you have no idea how I needed that!
You are very welcome, dear Queen Cabbage Head. I got another good one today, gotta find it and post it.
Darryl and Harold were in a mental institution. The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Darryl was called into the doctor s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. Darryl said “Yes” and the doctor proceeded. “Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”
Darryl said, “I’d be half blind.”
“That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?”
“I d be completely blind.” The doctor stood up, shook Darryl s hand, and told him he was free to go.
On Darryl’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
So Harold went into the doctor’s office when he was called. The doctor went thru the formalities and then asked, “What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?” Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, “I’d be half blind.”
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other ear?”
“I’d be completely blind,” Harold answered.”
“Harold, can you explain how you’d be blind?”
“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
mepal, excellent!
you reminded me of one but I’m not in the mood to write it now, I’ll try soon. remind me. 🙂
Two blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide
dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is
just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves
faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window
seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the
airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to
the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane
lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon all retreat into t heir magazines, secure in the
knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the
blind pilots turns to the other and says,”ya know, Bob, one of these
days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”
A group of elderly, retired men gather each morning at a cafe in Tel Aviv. They drink their coffee and sit for hours discussing the world situation.
Given the state of the world, problems with the Palestinians, the Iranian nuclear threat — their talks are usually depressing.
One day, one of the men startles the others by announcing, “You know what? I am an optimist.”
The others are shocked, but then one of them notices something fishy.
“Wait a minute! If you’re an optimist, why do you look so worried?”
“You think it’s easy being an optimist?!”
mepal: The sick leave one was funny.
Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, “My dog has a problem.”
Dr. Saul says, “So, tell me about the dog and the problem.”
“It’s a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk,” says Morty.
“He can talk?” the doubting doctor asks.
“Watch this!” Morty points to the dog and commands: “Irving, fetch!”
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says, “So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I’m nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it’s a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it’s out of the house and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn’t kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!”
Dr. Saul is amazed, “This is remarkable! So, what’s the problem?”
Morty says, “He has a hearing problem! I said ‘Fetch,’ not ‘Kvetch’!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!” Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh! Am I driving?”
A Jewish boy come home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful? What part is it?” The boy says, “I play the part of the husband.” The mother scowls and says, “You go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.”
So , You wanted a Kosher Computer
I don’t know if you know this but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price that I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday.
If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
The cursor moves from right to left.
It comes with two hard drives–one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.
Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, my PC now gets “Ferklempt.”
The Chanukah screen savers include “Flying Dreidels”
The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
The “Start” button has been replaced with “Let’s go!! I’m not getting any younger!” button.
The multimedia player has been renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!”.
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud “Oy Gevalt”
There is a “monitor cleaning solution for Pesach” from Manishevitz
After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes “Schloffen.”
Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
The Y2K problem has been replaced by “Year 5761-5762” issues.
If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: “You should be ashamed of yourself.”
When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts “Is this the best you can do!
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said I needed an upgrade.
-A Jewish telegram: “Start worrying. Details to follow.”
-A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
-Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about
a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted
orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or
anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!
This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should
come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.
Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase
one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)
and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the
antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system.
not in the least bit. but that doesn’t mean i saw every episode.
i’m almost positive it’s from the honeymooners. Ralph buys (or did he build it?) a vacuum cleaner and he’s all proud of it so he does a great job decorating the house with dirt so he could show it off to Alice. of course it doesn’t work.
could be it’s in both. very typical.
hey squeak, i was actually wondering how long we could push it before a mod went back and deleted the entire exchange… maybe he’s really interested in where it’s from… 😉 ok, you got it
oh man!
since when does a mod listen to what i have to say?
since now.
moish, you ready for hangman?
~a~
sure. you go. but make it fast or i’m gonna leave
aww, just saw that moish.;( We’ll have to schedule a raindate for that game.
~a~
The European Commission has just announced an
> agreement whereby English
> will be the official language of the European Union
> rather than German,
> which was the other possibility.
>
>
> As part of the negotiations, the British Government
> conceded that English
> spelling had some room for improvement and has
> accepted a 5- year phase-in
> plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
>
>
> In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”.
> Sertainly, this will make
> the sivil servants jump with joy.
>
>
> The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This
> should klear up
> konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
>
> There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
> sekond year when the
> troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This
> will make words like
> fotograf 20% shorter.
>
> In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new
> spelling kan be expekted to
> reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
> possible.
>
> Governments will enkourage the removal of double
> letters which have always
> ben a deterent to akurate speling.
>
> Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent
> “e” in the languag is
> disgrasful and it should go away.
>
> By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such
> as replasing “th” with
> “z” and “w” with “v”.
>
> During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd
> from vords kontaining “ou”
> and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl
> riten styl.
>
> Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun
> vil find it ezi tu
> understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil
> finali kum tru.
>
> Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
> like zey vunted in ze
> forst plas.
Very cute, except for two shortcomings:
1) Need to completely abolish the use of periods (.) except after a minimum of 35 words.
2) Every sentence must end in a verb.
squeak:The next time I make up a joke I’ll have that in mind 😉
haha, mepal – I was referring to the Germanification of the English language, not the syntax of your joke! (I meant that the German language has long sentences that all end in verbs)
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