A Humorous Item

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  • #1172899
    mepal
    Member

    Three men married wives from different places.

    The first man married a woman from Poland . ((No, this is not a Polish joke.)) He told her that she was to prepare hot meals on the table for every meal, do the dishes, keep the house clean and make sure the evening paper was turned to the sports page next to his Lazy-Boy recliner.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. He also found the TV tuned on the All Sports channel with the paper turned to the sports page.

    The second man married a woman from Germany. He told her that she was to prepare hot meals on the table for every meal, do the dishes, keep the house clean and make sure the evening paper was turned to the sports page next to his Lazy-Boy recliner.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. He also found the TV tuned on the All Sports channel with the paper turned to the sports page.

    The third man married a girl from New York City. He told her that she was to prepare hot meals on the table for every meal, do the dishes, keep the house clean and make sure the evening paper was turned to the sports page next to his Lazy-Boy recliner. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. By the fourth day he was able fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

    #1172900
    mepal
    Member

    1. Teaching Math In 1950s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

    2. Teaching Math In 1960s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

    3. Teaching Math In 1970s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

    4. Teaching Math In 1980s: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

    5. Teaching Math In 1990s: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok.)

    6. Teaching Math In 2009: Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

    #1172902
    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    A couple had been married 60 years

    They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

    They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little

    old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had

    cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about

    For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but

    one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said

    she would not recover.

    In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took

    down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.

    She agreed that it was time that he should know what was

    in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted

    dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

    He asked her about the contents. ‘When we were to be

    married,’ she said, ‘my grandmother told me the secret of a happy

    marriage was to never fight. She told me that if I ever got angry

    with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’

    The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.

    Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry

    with him two times in all those years of li ving and loving. He almost

    burst with happiness. ‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the dolls,

    but what about all of this money?

    Where did it come from?’

    ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’

    #1172903
    mepal
    Member

    Kapusta: where is your humor these days?

    #1172905
    kapusta
    Participant

    mepal, right were it belongs, give me some time and I hope to turn up some good ones.

    *kapusta*

    #1172906
    beacon
    Participant

    Words Women Use:

    1)FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to be quiet.

    2)FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five Minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    3)NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

    4)GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

    5)LOUD SIGH: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

    6)THAT’S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    7)THANKS: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

    8)DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a women has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “what’s wrong”. For the woman’s response refer to #3.

    #1172908
    kapusta
    Participant

    as corny as they come…

    Whos the father of all corn jokes?

    Pop Corn

    *kapusta*

    try to find some real ones for you soon!

    #1172909
    kapusta
    Participant

    Daniel and Howard are brothers living in Hampstead. Daniel lives with and looks after their elderly mother and Howard lives with his cat Peachy.

    Howard is obsessed with Peachy. His whole life is based around her. So when his boss tells him at short notice that he must go to New York, he doesn’t know what to do. He can’t take Peachy with him, he can’t leave her behind on her own and he can’t refuse to go to New York. He eventually decides to trust Daniel with Peachy while he’s away. So just before he leaves, Howard goes to Daniel and explains in great detail what to do. He hands over the cat plus 1 week’s worth of cat medicine and top grade cat food, says goodbye to Peachy and then leaves.

    The phone calls begin as soon as he arrives in New York. Howard phones Daniel morning, noon and night to make sure that Peachy is alright. But on the 4th day, when he calls and asks how Peachy is getting along, Daniel replies, “I’m afraid Peachy is dead, Howard.”

    Howard is immediately overcome with grief. In between his sobs, he says, “How could you be so cruel, Daniel? You know how much I loved Peachy. Why couldn’t you have broken it to me gently?”

    “How could I have done that?” asks Daniel.

    “Yes, you’re right, I’m so sorry,” says Daniel.

    Howard then asks, “By the way, how’s mum?”

    “She’s ….. OK,” replies Daniel, “she’s up on the roof…”

    *kapusta*

    #1172911
    kapusta
    Participant

    A man approaches an ice cream van and asks, “I’d like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please.”

    The girl behind the counter replied, “I’m very sorry, sir, but our delivery didn’t come this morning. We’re out of chocolate.”

    “In that case,” the man continued, “I’ll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream.”

    “You don’t understand, sir,” the girl says. “We have no chocolate.”

    “Then just give me some chocolate,” he insists.

    Getting angrier by the second, the girl asked, “Sir, will you spell ‘van,’ as in ‘vanilla?'”

    The man spells, “V A N.”

    “Now spell ‘straw,’ as in ‘strawberry.'”

    “OK. S-T-R-A-W.”

    “Now,” the girl asked, “spell ‘stink,’ as in chocolate.”

    The man hesitates, then confused, replied, “There is no stink in chocolate.”

    “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!” she screams.

    *kapusta*

    #1172912
    Jax
    Member

    kapusta: i liked the one with Peachy the cat! good one there!

    #1172913
    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    Some humorous one liners

    A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of

    Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

    Double your drive space. Delete Windows

    Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

    I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

    I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

    IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

    It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

    Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

    I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.

    Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

    There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

    #1172914
    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    Political Correctness for Teens


    No one fails a class anymore, he’s merely “passing impaired.”

    You don’t have detention, you’re just one of the”exit delayed.”

    Your bedroom isn’t cluttered, it’s just “passage restrictive.”

    These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”

    Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive.”

    Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

    Your homework isn’t missing, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

    You’re not sleeping in class, you’re “rationing consciousness.”

    You’re not late, you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”

    You’re not having a bad hair day, you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

    You don’t have smelly gym socks, you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

    You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”

    You don’t talk a lot.. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

    It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”

    The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”

    You’re not being sent to the principals office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

    #1172915
    mepal
    Member

    YAY! *kapusta*’s humor’s back! keep them coming!

    #1172916
    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    A man who has finally made it in business treats himself to a new Lamborghini. After buying it, he feels guilty so he goes to the Orthodox Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah for the Lamborghini.

    “You want a mezuzah for what?” the Rabbi asks.

    “It’s a Lamborghini,”

    “What’s a Lamborghini?” asks the Rabbi.

    “A sports car.”

    “What? That’s crazy!” the Rabbi shouts. “You want a mezuzah for a sports car? Go to the Conservatives!”

    Well, the man is disappointed, but goes to the Conservative Rabbi and asks for a mezuzah.

    “You want a mezuzah for what?” the Rabbi asks.

    “For my Lamborghini”, the man replies.

    “What’s a Lamborghini?” asks the Rabbi.

    “A car, a sports car.”

    “What kind of sports car?” asks the Rabbi.

    “Italian.”

    “What? That is crazy!” the Rabbi shouts. “You want a mezuzah for a Goyishe car? Go to the Reform!”

    Again, the man feels guilty and disappointed, but goes to the Reform Rabbi.

    “Rabbi,” he asks, “I’d like a mezuzah for my Lamborghini.”

    “You have a Lamborghini?” asks the Rabbi.

    “You know what it is?” says the man.

    “Of course! It’s a fantastic Italian sports car. What’s a mezuzah?”

    #1172917
    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    someone told me a really funny story

    A Lakewood family was coming back Motzaie Shabbos on the Garden State.

    They got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

    I don’t know why or how but the cop made everyone get out the car.

    They were all wearing black(the father and sons were wearing white shirt black suits,the mother and her daughters were all wearing black..).

    The cop said”Oh I am so sorry I didn’t realize that you were coming back from a funeral I will let you go this time”-lol!

    #1172918
    oomis
    Participant

    THANK YOU ALL, for the best laughs of my day!

    #1172919
    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    BY2- you shouldn’t announce that story so loudly here in the CR. It’s gonna start a whole new “livush” argument… (groan)

    #1172920
    mepal
    Member

    Certain stories can only occur in Lakewood for some odd reason.

    #1172921
    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    areivimzehlazeh-

    However areivimzehlazeh, my story above was not to start a threads on livush. It was meant to be funny.Most frum men wear dark suits on Shabbos and most frum women in the N.Y. NJ metro area wear a lot of black.In the non-Jewish world most non-Jews wear black while working in banks,makeup counters, and for lo aleinu funerals.

    You have a good point though,

    Heads up everybody this is a humor thread not an arguing whose Livush is better thread.If we are going to change the subject then the YWN mods. will close this thread!Lets stick to humor only, and leave the bickering and arguing for other threads-Thanks!

    #1172922
    mepal
    Member

    so here goes, BasYisroel!

    ** God Must Be Jewish**

    Moses died and went to heaven.

    God greets him at the Pearly Gates.

    “Are you hungry, Moses?” asks God.

    “I could eat,” Moses replies.

    So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a

    Chunk of rye bread and they share it.

    While partaking of this humble meal,

    Moses looks down into Hell

    And sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks,

    Briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines.

    Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.

    The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal.

    Again it’s tuna and rye bread.

    And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates.

    Still he says nothing.

    The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of

    Tuna is opened.

    He can’t contain himself any longer.

    Meekly, he says:

    “God, I am grateful to be here in heaven

    With You as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led.

    But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread,

    And in that ‘other place’ they all eat like emperors and kings!

    I just don’t understand.”

    God sighs.

    “Let’s be honest,” He says.

    “For just two people, does it really pay

    To cook?”

    #1172923
    mepal
    Member

    Read this:

    HAPPINESS ISNOWHERE

    Did you read it happiness is ‘no where’ or happiness is ‘now here’? It all depends on how you look at it……

    #1172924
    mepal
    Member

    not sure if this was ever posted here before, but worth reading again anyways!

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I

    accompany her on her trips

    to Target. Unfortunately, like

    most men, I found shopping boring and

    preferred to get in

    and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like

    most

    women — she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received

    the

    following letter from the local Target.

    Dear Mrs. Johnson,

    Over the past

    six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our

    store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been

    forced

    to ban both of you from the store.

    Our

    complaints against your husband, Mr. Johnson, are listed below

    and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

    1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in

    house wares to go off at

    5-minute intervals.

    2. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the

    floor leading to

    the women’s restroom.

    3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in

    an official

    voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on

    it right away.’

    This caused the employeeto leave

    her assigned station and receive

    a reprimand from

    her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a

    union

    grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the

    company money.

    4. August 4: Went to

    the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of

    M&Ms on layaway.

    5. August 14:

    Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

    6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department

    and told the

    children shoppers he’d invite them in

    if they would bring pillows

    and blankets from the

    bedding department to which twenty children

    obliged.

    7. August 23: When a clerk asked if

    they could help him he began

    crying and screamed,

    ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’

    EMTs

    were called.

    8. September 4: Looked right into

    the security camera and used it

    as a mirror while

    he picked his nose.

    9. September 10: While

    handling guns in the hunting department, he

    asked

    the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    10.

    October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly

    humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

    11. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his

    ‘Madonna

    look’ by using different sizes of

    funnels

    12. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack

    and when people browsed

    through, yelled ‘PICK ME!

    PICK ME!’

    13. October 21: When an announcement

    came over the loud speaker, he

    assumed a fetal

    position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES

    AGAIN!’

    And last, but not least:

    14. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the

    door, waited a

    while,then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey!

    There’s no toilet paper in

    here.’

    One of the clerks passed out.

    #1172925
    mepal
    Member

    We ‘ ve all talked to this guy….

    [IMAGE REMOVED]

    Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

    The Personnel Manager said, ‘ Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.

    Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job. ‘

    Mujibar said, ‘ I am ready. ‘

    The manager said,

    ‘ Make a sentence using the words

    Yellow, Pink, and Green . ‘

    Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,

    ‘ Mister manager, I am ready ‘

    The manager said, ‘ Go ahead. ‘

    Mujibar said,

    ‘ The telephone goes green, green ,

    and I pink it up, and say,

    Yellow, this is Mujibar. ‘

    Mujibar now works at a call center.

    No doubt you have spoken to him.

    I know I have.

    #1172926
    mepal
    Member

    <Mark Twain – “Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

    This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!

    When I born, I BL ACK ,

    When I grow up, I BLACK ,

    When I go in sun, I BLACK ,

    When I cold, I BLACK ,

    When I scared, I BLACK ,

    When I sick, I BLACK ,

    And when I die, I still BLACK .

    You white folks….

    When you born, you PINK ,

    When you grow up, you WHITE ,

    When you go in sun, you RED ,

    When you cold, you BLUE ,

    When you scared, you YELLOW ,

    When you sick, you GREEN ,

    When you bruised, you PURPLE ,

    And when you die, you GRAY .

    So who you callin’ colored folks

    #1172927
    areivimzehlazeh
    Participant

    This is one of my favorite- I laugh every time I read it. Caution: read slowly.

    “Tenjewberrymuds”

    To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.

    The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

    Room Service (RS): “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”

    Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”

    RS: “Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??”

    G: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs.”

    RS: “Ow July den?”

    G: “What??”

    RS: “Ow July den?…pryed, boyud, poochd?”

    G : “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”

    RS: “Ow July dee baykem? Crease?”

    G: “Crisp will be fine.”

    RS : “Hokay. An Sahn toes?”

    G: “What?”

    RS:”An toes. July Sahn toes?”

    G: “I don’t think so.”

    RS: “No? Judo wan sahn toes??”

    G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes’ means.”

    RS: “Toes! Toes!…Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?”

    G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

    RS: “We bodder?”

    G: “No…just put the bodder on the side.”

    RS: “Wad?”

    G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side.”

    RS: “Copy?”

    G: “Excuse me?”

    RS: “Copy…tea…meel?”

    G: “Yes. Coffee, please, and that’s all.”

    RS: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy….rye??”

    G: “Whatever you say.”

    RS: “Tenjewberrymuds.”

    G : “You’re very welcome

    #1172928
    an open book
    Participant

    mepal: yeah the target (walmart) one was but a while ago! i remember areivim & jax talking about it

    #1172929
    kapusta
    Participant

    everyone, great ones! I see I have some competition here! often imitated; never duplicated 😉

    *kapusta*

    keep em coming!

    #1172930
    kapusta
    Participant

    for anonymisss, because I’m such a sweetie <insert blush>

    as collegy as I could find so far, but I’ll keep looking!

    Final Exam

    Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

    Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

    They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

    The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

    They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

    They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.”

    Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

    (For 95 points): Which tire?

    *kapusta*

    #1172932
    Jax
    Member

    kapusta: that was an awesome one!

    #1172933
    Jax
    Member

    the reception area of the doctor’s office was filled to capacity, but the doctor was working at his usual snail’s pace! after waiting two hours, an old man slowly stood up & headed for the door! everyone stopped talking to look at him!

    he announced, ”i guess i’ll just go home and die a natural death!”

    #1172934
    anonymisss
    Participant

    Thanks, kapusta and jax! Those were good.

    ~a~

    #1172935
    kapusta
    Participant

    there was supposed to be another one, didnt quite see the light of day.

    *kapusta*

    #1172936
    kapusta
    Participant

    for Jax, former asdf…

    Murphy applied for an engineering position …

    Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.

    Manager: “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job”

    Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”

    Manager: “We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

    Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

    Manager: “Simple, the American put down on question #5, “I don’t know.”, You put down “Neither do I.”

    *kapusta*

    #1172937
    Jax
    Member

    kapusta: nice one kapusta! thanx for the entertainment!

    #1172938
    mepal
    Member

    Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . .. .

    In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper , entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

    Still Having a Bad Day????

    The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

    Still think you are having a Bad Day????

    A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

    Are Ya OK Now? – No?

    Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

    What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

    Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb It came back with ‘Return to Sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is Good!

    There now, Feeling Better?

    #1172939
    kapusta
    Participant

    Bas Yisrael, I just re-read a few of your previous posts. (all of which were excellent, as usual!) thanx again!

    as for mine…

    Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, and installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

    Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

    I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

    What can I do?

    Signed,

    Desperate

    *kapusta*

    #1172940
    aussieboy
    Participant

    Anyone have any humor?

    #1172941
    kapusta
    Participant

    for my all good friends who need some cheering up tonight. (and even the ones that dont!)

    GI insurance

    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

    *kapusta*

    #1172942
    Jax
    Member

    kapusta: that was a great one! thanx you!

    #1172943
    aussieboy
    Participant

    kapusta: I heard it before but it still made me smile. Thanks 🙂

    #1172944
    noitallmr
    Participant

    Mary had a little lamb, what happened next???

    The midwife fainted…

    #1172946
    mepal
    Member

    Ten Times

    A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she had been over the settlement, when she saw a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubbed the lamp, and out popped a genie!

    The genie sensed her anger and allowed her to vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informed her that he would give her three wishes. But he cautioned her that because he does not believe in divorce, he would give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

    The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie granted her wish and she found herself sitting on a pile of one billion one-dollar bills.

    The genie then reminded her that her husband was now the surprised recipient of ten billion dollars. The woman could barely contain her anger when she made her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, exactly as she had imagined her dream home, in every tiny detail. But the genie reminded her again that her ex-husband now owned ten of what she had wished for, and pointed out across the bay to a small development of ten such mansions.

    Upon seeing this, the woman took her time to consider her final wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman said she had made up her mind. But, before she could say anything, the genie again warned her that her ex-husband would get ten times whatever she wished for. “No problem,” said the woman, smiling at last. “For my final wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.”

    #1172947
    kapusta
    Participant

    aussie, I’m getting good at this. 🙂

    noitall, nice!

    mepal, lol, thats like a guy does something and earns <whatever> and they tell him his mother in law gets double. He asks to be scared half to death. 😉

    *kapusta*

    #1172949
    goody613
    Member

    its a mashal kinah and taaveh(i think) Hashem tells kinnah i’ll give u something but hes gonna get double he asks to be blind in one eye

    #1172951
    kapusta
    Participant

    possibly a repeat, sorry in advance if it is.

    Death of a Mother-in-law

    A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had

    genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

    While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock toall no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

    At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and

    mumble a reply.

    Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.'”

    *kapusta*

    #1172952
    mepal
    Member

    Kapusta: LOL! That one had me rolling… 😉

    #1172953
    mepal
    Member

    Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls President Barack Obama and tells him, “Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner.”

    “What did it say on the banners?” Obama asks.

    Mahmoud replies, “UNITED STATES OF IRAN..”

    Obama says, “You know, Mahmoud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”

    “What did it say on the banners?” Mahmoud asks.

    Obama replies, “I don’t know. I can’t read Hebrew.”

    #1172954
    GoldieLoxx
    Member

    A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down next to him. The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, “Who wrote this?!!”

    #1172955
    GoldieLoxx
    Member

    A man walks in to a bar and orders a drink. He looks down the bar and sees a drunk man keep falling off his stool. The man finishes his drink watching the other man try to get back up on the stool.

    Feeling sorry for the drunk, the man tries to stand him up, but the drunk keeps falling. The man thinks that this drunk needs to be taken home, so he finds his address in his wallet. On the way to his car, the man had to practically carry the drunk man.

    After finally finding his house, the man carries the drunk man to the front door. He rings the doorbell and a lady answers. “Ma’am, your husband is drunk, so I decided to give him a lift home.”

    The woman replies, “Thank you sir, but I have one question…Where’s his wheelchair?”

    #1172958
    BasYisroel2
    Participant

    Life explained

    When God created the dog He said:

    ‘Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.’

    The dog said: ‘That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?’

    So God agreed.

    Then God created the monkey He said:

    ‘Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.’

    The monkey said: ‘Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?’

    And God agreed.

    Next, God created the cow said:

    ‘You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk t o support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.’

    The cow said: ‘That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twe nty and I’ll give back the other forty?’

    And God agreed again.

    Lastly , God created man and said:

    ‘Eat, sleep, play, marry and enj oy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.’

    But man said: ‘Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten

    the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?’

    ‘Okay,’ said God, ‘You asked for it.’

    So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.

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