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aussie, (I didnt know they had moose.)
i guess you never listened to Sara Palin. she hunts moose 😉
An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” “You can’t get out of your room?”; the captain asked. “Why not?” She replied, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
Squeak, This one is for you:
What do you call 4 Cubans in quicksand?
Quatro Sinko
MURPHY’S OTHER 15 LAWS…
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 . The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
ha great one, 39
Who Says There No Benefits Of Getting OLDER…???
Kidnappers are not very interested in you, and in a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won’t wear out.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won’t get much worse
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
You can’t remember who sent you this list.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a “great” writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
An elderly married couple who were childhood sweethearts and had
settled down in their old neighborhood, are celebrating their fiftieth
wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he
had carved, “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, an armored car drives by and a bag of money
falls out of the armored car practically at their feet. Sally quickly
picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it so they take it
home. There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.”
She says, “Finders keepers.” And she puts the money back in the bag and
hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood
looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, “Pardon
me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored
car yesterday?”
She says, “No.”
The husband says, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says,
“Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school
The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, “Let’s get out of here.”
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
39, can you explain what you meant by saying that one was for me?
mepal
Member
Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
this was posted on YWN??? the center of lakewood’s shteiging? ;);)
Kapusta- very good idea!
39, you can email me if you don’t want to answer in public. You did get my email the other day, didn’t you?
Thought it was your type of humour squeak. Apologies if it insulted you
Not at all insulted! It’s just that said joke could have been a very subtle way of letting me know that you have my identity. But apparently not 🙂
of course he has your identity- you emailed him!
squeak, don’t tell me you’re Cuban…
Well, that’s thanks to my good brother Fidel, who taught me that I need English if I want to get anywhere in life.
you’ll need the new spanish artscroll
u got it all wrong areivim! squeak knows english now! goody for our overly educated pal here!
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hardwork. His only son, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES. Love Son
At 4am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Son
haha!
mod39, (-;!
~a~
mod39: way to go! awesome!
Lol that was in the community magazine like 2 years ago but it was bombs instead of dead bodies, but still great joke 🙂
and dug graves.
It’s honest, respectable work even if it’s not for everyone.
One day on his way to work, he forgot his lunch at home.
When his wife noticed he had forgotten his lunch,
she sent it to the cemetery with their 9 year old son.
Arriving at the cemetery, the young boy started walking around,
calling out ‘Abba, Abba, where are you?’ as he peered
into empty graves around the cemetery.
what could be sadder and more heart-wrenching than a young boy
walking around a cemetery, calling out for his
To their shock and horror,
a hand suddenly popped out of an open grave and started waving,
‘Shlomie! Shlomie! I’m over here!!’
to get back on track…
One day on the freeway, traffic was getting backed up. Three men were coming around to cars and one of them approached me.
A saudi Arabian oil sheik has been taken captive and they won’t release him without a $10 million ransom, if they dont get it by 4 o’ clock today, they’ll douse him with gas.
How much is everyone giving on average?
About a gallon.
Sam died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attendees left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Tell me, how much did it really cost?”
“All of it,” said Rose. “$50,000.”
“No!” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but really… $50,000?”
Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi’s services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Sadie computed quickly. “$42,500 for a memorial stone?! Oy vey, how big is it?”
“Five and a half carats.”
Yankel is in Dr. Goldstein’s dentist’s chair. “Now open your mouth wide, please,” says Dr. Goldstein.
Yankel does what he’s told. Dr. Goldstein looks inside Yankel’s mouth and says, “Oy gevult, that’s the biggest cavity I’ve seen in years! Oy gevult, that’s the biggest cavity I’ve seen in years!”
“I heard the bad news the first time,” says Yankel, gloomily, “there was no need to repeat yourself.”
“I didn’t repeat myself,” says Dr. Goldstein with a smile. “That was an echo.”
kapusta: great ones there!
mepal: kinda black humor, but was awesome! reminds me unfortunetly of a CCHF video! of the terrorist attacks, where the video ends with a young boy running with his brother to a cemetery yelling ”Abba, Abbba”!
mepal, the queen was amused.
The Queen
Jax I remember that video I cried and cried after that part!!!
Whats happening here? this is supposed to be a humor thread!
back on topic…
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
– Jim Davis
shaatra: same here and i’m not the crying type at all!
back to humor now……….
“Mazal tov Moshe,” said the groom’s uncle. “I’m sure you’ll look back on this day and remember it as the happiest day of your life.”
“But uncle,” replied Moshe. “I’m not getting married until tomorrow.”
“Exactly,” replied the uncle.
(:therealkapusta:)
Abe walks into the local tavern and sees his friend Moshe sitting at the bar. He puts his hand to hear heart and yells, “Oy vay, Moshe! I’m so sorry to hear about you shop burning down.”
Moshe spins around quickly and whispers, “Shhhh! It’s tomorrow!”
(:therealkapusta:)
“Whats happening here? this is supposed to be a humor thread!
back on topic…
Avoid fruits and nuts.”
Also, chicken….
i think i missed the last one, kapusta. i’m confused.
all these jokes about moshe – where is moish? feels like he’s been away for longer than usual.
k never mind.
AOB, nothing to do with moish, the place where I got the jokes from just used the name. Which one did you not understand?
oomis, and turkey…
(:therealkapusta:)
kapusta: i know it had nothing to do with him, just reminded me. never mind.
the shop burning down one?
AOB,
insurance
yeah okay, i guess i just don’t think it’s so funny. thanks though
moish, thanx
(:therealkapusta:)
kapusta: all great ones!
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.
– Ronald Reagan
(:therealkapusta:)
🙂
Sadie is having terrible headaches that just won’t go away so she goes to her rabbi to see if there’s anything he can do. She whines, and cries and talks for hours not only about her headache, but about her terrible living conditions as well.
All of the sudden, Sadie shouts, overjoyed, “Rabbi, I think your holy presence has cured me! The headache is completely gone!
To which the rabbi responds, “No, no Sadie, it’s not gone. I have it now.”
*kapusta*
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