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if pro and con are opposites, then progress and congress are for sure!
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
concludes by saying, “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed
in an accident.”
“OH NO!” the president exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
watching as the president sits, his head cradled in his hands.
Finally, the president looks up and asks,
“How many is a Brazillion?”
🙂
anonymisss: i’m part of ”those” people!!!
so i should post it here?
please do, moish.
oh, btw, post what?
~a~
People are like slinkies, basically useless, and yet it’s so amusing to watch them fall own the stairs.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
well the other one wouldn’t pas (and i don’t wanna risk getting chucked) so here’s this one
“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”
Bumper sticker: Protected by the mafia. You hit me we hit you. 🙂
Alcohol may not be the answer but it sure helps you forget the question.
~a~
brilliant!
What was the question?
anonymisss: that was already posted by asdfghjkl!!! but worth repeating though!!!
hmmmmmm anonymisss and asdfghjkl posted the same thing? Makes one wonder. 😉
whoops, sorry, guess that’s where I heard it.
aussie, quit wondering, buddy!
~a~
Subject: The Coca Cola Salesman
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his assignment in Israel.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Israeli’s?”
The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch in rural areas. But, I had a problem I didn’t know how to speak Hebrew. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…
First poster- A man lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster – man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.
Then these posters were pasted all over the place.
“That should have worked,” said the friend.
The salesman replied “I didn’t realize that the Jews read from right to left”
A tourist walks into a curio shop and sees a life-like bronze statue of a rat.
He asks the salesmen, “How much?”
The salesman replied, “12 bucks for the rat and 100 bucks for the story.”
The tourist says, “I’ll just take the rat, thanks.”
As soon as the tourist leaves the shop rats started crawling out of the sewers. There were a hundred rats, then a thousand, and then millions.
The tourist was running as fast as he could. He ran to the end of the pier and threw the bronze rat as far out into the lake as he could. All the other rats jumped after it and drowned.
The tourist walked back to the store.
The salesmen says, “Came back for the story, eh?”
The tourist replies, “No but I was wondering, do you have a statue of a Republican?”
An elderly man had for many years as his only companion an old dog that passed away..
The grieving man went to see his Rabbi and asked if he would arrange to say Kaddish for the dog.
The rabbi said, “Kaddish is only for humans, not for animals. However, there’s a new Reform congregation down the street a block or two. You go there and ask if they’ll say Kaddish for the dog; they may just be meshuggenah enough to do this for you.”
The old man thanked him, and said, “Do you suppose they’ll also accept my $175,000 donation in memory of my little Moishe?”
“Hold it!, shouted the rabbi, “You didn’t tell me your dog was Jewish!”
“Whover said the pen was mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.” ~ General MacArthur
“Patience is no virtue when the ground begins to move.”
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” ~ Steven Wright
” I dont suffer from instanity I enjoy every minute of it”
jaymatt, squeak, aussie nice!!!
my wife made me join a bridge club. I jump next tuesday
consciousness. that annoying time between naps
🙂
Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.
– R.E. Shay
🙂
Late to bed, late to rise
makes you have bags under your eyes!
(especially if you are in the CR!!)
“I stayed awake all night looking for the sun – then it dawned on me”
Bumper sticker – Embarressing my kids, a full time occupation.
A very, very old one, in effort to keep this thread alive!
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card. The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Really? Ain’t that something? And I’ll bet the lying officer told you I was speeding too …
ames, lol!
A guy was pulled over for speeding, and was given a ticket.
offender: What am I supposed to do with this?
cop: collect them, and when you get four, you get a bicycle.
since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright…untill you hear them speak?!
kapusta: that was a good one, i liked!
kapusta: Nice one. It made me laugh.
This may be a repeat, if not, it’s not my best
Yankel had never spoken to girls his entire life, and when it came time to date, he didn’t know what to talk about. Anticipating awkward breaks between conversation, he asked his rebbe what to talk about.
rebbe: talk about family
Yankel: and when I finish talking about family
rebbe: talk about sports
on the date…
Yankel: do you have any brothers?
girl: no
Yankel: do you like baseball?
girl: no
Yankel: if you had a brother, would he like baseball?
so mod39, how does it really go?
here it is:
It seems Yankel was pushing 25 and he’d never been out on a date. His Rosh Yeshiva calls him into the office one day and says, “Yankel! 18 to the Chuppah! What’s going to be already?” Yankel blushes and explains to his Rebbe that he grew up in a house full of brothers, and he’s never even spoken to a girl anywhere near his age. He doesn’t know what to say to girls. Besides, it would interrupt his learning. The Rosh Yeshiva puts a fatherly arm around him and tells him “Don’t worry about your learning, this is a Chiyuv with a capital ches. And as for what to say, you can talk about her family, you can talk about what she likes, and if all else fails you can talk philosophy.”
Yankel leaves the Rosh Yeshiva repeating under his breath, “Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy. Family, likes, philosophy.” Finally, the day arrives and he goes out on his first shidduch.
The young people sit down in the hotel lobby and look at one another uncomfortably. Yankel realizes that he’s going to have to say something, and the first thing on the Rosh Yeshiva’s list is family, so he blurts out, “Do you have any brothers?” “No.” replies the girl, and silence reigns. Yankel thinks hard, and then comes up with, “Do you like baseball?” “No.” is the immediate reply. Now Yankel is really at a loss. Ah yes! Philosophy! So Yankel leans forward, and very intently, in his best talmudic tones, asks “If you had a brother, would he like baseball?”
Kapusta, you left out the line about philosophy!! that kills the joke!
Mod, sorry, this is the way I heard it, and you’re right, yours was better.
she also left out the talmudic tones- that’s the best part 😉 mamish ah shvera kasha 😉
oh- and the delivery… I have to say, you delivered it very well mod39
areivim, what?!?!
I heard that joke from a date of mine…
I think I have to reaffirm my sense of humor to some people.
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.
The future ain’t what it used to be.
No one goes there nowadays, it’s too crowded.
– Yogi Berra
I had to find these on short notice.
beacon
Member
I heard that joke from a date of mine…
I guess he was overly confident he is not like this… 😉
I guess he was overly confident he is not like this… 😉
observation correct 🙂
I know the type. Weren’t you just watching and waiting for him to mess up? haha
kapusta, mod39,
No, no, no. It’s the “3 Fs” – family, food, and philosophy. Replace “baseball” with “gefilte fish” (or “cholent,” depending on who’s telling the joke).
Dad, what is the difference between complete and finish?
Dad: my son, if you love the right girl and you get married then you’re complete. But if you love the wrong gal? you’re finished!
old one, but funny:
A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same.”
ok, this one you’ll have to excuse… (i’m just really bored and the only thing i could do that won’t get me into trouble is look for jokes online…)
BOSS (to an employee): “Do you believe in life after Death?
EMPLOYEE: “Certainly not! There’s no proof of it,” he replied.
BOSS : “Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral,
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…He came here looking for you!”
A very old joke that may have been posted on here some time ago.
Yankel was walking down a main street in Chinatown when he passed a small store called Yossele Rosenbergs dry cleaners. Curious about the name he walked in and asked to see the owner. An older Chinese walks out and asks him what he can help him with.
Yankel: tell me something, how did you end up with a name like Yossele Rosenberg?
Yossele: in Ellis island, all those years ago, I somehow got on a line with people from Europe. When it was time for the guy ahead of me to go, they asked him what his name was so he answered Yossele Rosenberg. Then they asked me, and I told them Sem Ting.
another joke, somewhat related:
Ellis Island was jammed with immigrants. One man stood in line, saying something to himself over and over. When he was asked his name, even though he repeated it many times, he forgot it.
guard: Sir, what’s your name?
man: oy, ich shoyn fargesen (I forgot)
guard: Sean Ferguson, welcome to the US
From The Other Side
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. “Milty, she’s a real psychic, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!”
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda’s Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, “Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom.”
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball. “My medium…Vashtri,” she called. “Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel” Milton Pitzel’s zayde?”
Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, “Zayde?”
“Ah, Milteleh?” a thin voice quavered.
“Yes! Yes!” cried Milty. “This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the other world?”
“Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!”
A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his zayde answer, until “So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask.”
“Zayde,” sighed Milty, “when did you learn to speak English?”
Small Town Stop
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. “Officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“No explanation needed!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I have to tell you something.” The man tried again.
“Just keep quiet! You’re going to jail and I’m notinterested in what you have to say!” the officer barked.
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m
the groom.”
All that discussion with modeling and statistics brings these jokes to mind:
__________________________________________
One woman was complaining to her friend that she couldn’t fall asleep at night. The friend said that she had had the same trouble, but then solved it. “You see, my husband is an actuary. Whenever I can’t fall asleep I just turn and ask him, ‘Dear, could you please explain to me again exactly what it is that you do at work?'”.
__________________________________________
A woman was told by her doctor that she had an certain illness and would only have 6 more months to live. The woman asked if there was anything she could do about that.
The doctor replied, “Marry an actuary”.
The woman asked, “Why? Will that make me live longer?”
The doctor replied, “No, but it will seem longer.”
squeak, love that first one!
~a~
kapusta: those were great!
<u>Funny and Crazy Laws</u>
In Ohio:
-It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
-It is illegal to hunt for whales on Sunday.
-In Cleveland it is illegal to drive while sitting on another persons lap.
-In Bexley, Ohio, it is prohibited to install or use slot machines in outhouses.
-In Clinton County, Ohio, there is a fine for anyone caught leaning against an public building.
In Alaska:
-A moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
-It is illegal to give alcoholic beverages to a moose.
-It is an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane. (I didnt know they had moose.)
In Texas:
-It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer while standing.
-The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is also banned, as it contains a formula for making beer at home
In Pennsylvania:
-Automobiles traveling on country roads at night must send up an rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear.
-If a driver sees a team of horses, they are to pull to the side of the road, and cover their machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery.
-In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner of the car must take their car apart and conceal the parts in nearby foliage.
Alabama:
-It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
In Arizona:
-It is illegal for donkeys to sleep in bathtubs.
-If a person is caught stealing soap, they must wash themselves until it is all used up.
In California:
-It is illegal to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
-It is illegal to put a fish in your neighbors mailbox.
In New England:
-Fire engines are not allowed to exceed 25mph – strangely, this includes the journey to the fire!
-In Devon (yes there is a place called Devon in the US), it is illegal to walk backwards after sunset.
In Connecticut:
-For a pickle to be officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
-In Hartford, it is considered an offense to cross the road on your hands.
In New York:
-In Greene, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards down a street, while a concert is on.
-Citizens may not greet each other by putting ones thumb to the nose and wriggling the fingers.
-It is illegal in Maine to step out of a plane, while it is in flight.
-In New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.
-In Carmel, it is illegal for a man to go outside if his jacket and trousers do not match.
In New Jersey:
-In New Jersey you can be arrested for slurping soup in public.
In Maryland:
-In Baltimore, it is illegal to throw bales of hay out of a second story window, within the city limits.
-In Baltimore, it is illegal to take a lion to the movies.
In Maine:
-It is illegal in Maine to step out of a plane, while it is in flight.
In Georgia:
-It is illegal to put an Ice cream sandwich in your back pocket.
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