- This topic has 2,003 replies, 182 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by .
-
Posts
-
squeak, you’re lucky your score has been reset…
…STRIKE ONE!
squeak
Member
Leibel?
to which post was that a response?
The Palestinian Authority just published its first stamp, with the
portrait of Chairman Arafat on it. After a while the Palestinian postal
service reported that the new stamps are having real problems
staying attached to the envelopes and keep falling off.
Arafat demanded an explanation for this, and his assistants
finally found out the reason: “Abu Amar, it seems the people are
spitting on the wrong side…
areivim, you’ve been discovered 🙂
OK, the day ain’t over yet. Let’s see if I can get out of here without pushing the envelope.
A man once asked Gandhi what he thought of Western civilization.
He replied, “I think it would be a good idea.”
0 for two
A man stops to ask directions from a farmer sitting on his porch and is amazed to see a three-legged pig sitting at the farmer’s feet. “That’s a weird-looking pig,” the man says. The farmer is furious. “Don’t you ever say anything bad about this pig!” he says. “Just last week my wife and I were sleeping, and a fire broke out. This pig dragged us both to safety. Last month a robber broke into the house. The pig knocked him down, dialed 911 with his snout and sat on him until the police arrived. So don’t ever say anything bad about him.”
“I’m sorry,” the man says. “But what’s the deal with the three legs?”
“Mister,” the farmer says, “a pig like this you don’t eat all at once.”
JayMatt19 – EWWWWW!!!!!!
yeah that is kinda gross but i have to admit i laughed
A church congregation sent out requests to all the professional painters listed in their local Yellow Pages, requesting a bid on a price to repaint their church building. Almost all of the painters were within a few dollars of their competition, as expected, with the exception of one well-known, well-established, local company, which had been in business for years and had an excellent reputation in the community. This particular painter’s bid was about half of what his competitions had bid, and naturally, was selected by the congregation to do the job.
On the morning the job began, the painter realized that he had underbid the job by 50%! Not wanting to lose the job, he decided to thin the paint out with water, so he would be able to complete the job for the price quoted.
One week later, he received a call from the priest, explaining that after the first rain, half of the paint had washed off the church. The painter returned, looked at the building, and sure enough, the job was ruined. He went inside to pray about the situation, knowing that his business’ reputation was on the line. “What can I possibly do, Lord?” prayed the discouraged businessman.
Suddenly, God, in a loud voice from the altar replied, “Repaint, and thin no more!”
gross!!!!
kapusta, I like the one with Arafat, u can tell its an Israeli joke since only in Israel do u still have to lick the stamps to get them to stick. In America all stamps are like stickers that dont need to be licked. in fact my sister’s kids love to play with stickers so she went to the post office and bought 100 1 cent stamps for $1.00, its her best going prize!!!
Mod39, I am beyond insulted. But not deterred. I am determined to keep at it until someone more qualified steps forward (u’malchuso yitain l’ru’uso hatov mimenu to paraphrase a timely phrase).
I’ll change tactics:
A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.
The boy replied, ‘six and seven-eighths.’
The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, ‘they just picked it out of a hat.’
A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a packet of helicopter crisps.
‘Sorry’, said the barman, ‘we don’t have any helicopter crisps, we only have plane.’
A man goes into a fish and chip shop and says ‘Can I have fish and chips twice please?’
The shop owner says, ‘I heard you the first time.’
A policeman walked over to a parked car and asked the driver if the car was licensed. ‘Of course it is,’ replied the driver.
‘Great, I’ll have a pint then.’
For those of us safely on the other side of the pond, here is my worst:
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, “Pardon me. May I help you with something.” The blind man says, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”
BREAKING NEWS!!! CNN is now reporting that a tornado has destroyed several houses in mexico, killing hundreds.
🙂
4 college students had an exam. They decided to go party instead and come up with an excuse the next day. They walk in the next day and tell the professor that they were driving to take the exam and a tire blew out and asked if he could give them a chance to take the test now. He agreed but let them know that the test would be a bit different, it would only have one question, if they answered it correctly they would pass, if not they would fail. They all agreed.
The next day he sat them all down in seperate corners of the room and handed them all a sheet with one question. “Which tire?”
ames: i found it really funny 🙂 got to have a sense of humor
kapusta
memeber
areivim, you’ve been discovered 🙂
no, I have not been discovered
to continue the corny humor theme:
what does a cow daven?
moo-suf
______________________________________________________________________
what t’fillah do you daven when you have a robber in your house?
ah-hava robba
_______________________________________________________________________
(this one only works with a heavy chassidish havarah)
Which car wins the race- the car with one door or the car with two doors?
“too-deer v’she’eino too-deer, too-deer koidem”
Hahaha those belong on like kosher laffy taffys.
more corn:
How do we know there were cars in Avram Avinu’s times?
Hashem said “Avruuum, Avruuum”
_________________________________________________________________
2 old men were talking:
man1- Were you married before the war?
man2- Do you think there was a war before I got married?!
man1- How long were you married when the war ended?
man2- My war didn’t end yet!
__________________________________________________________________
How do we know Buluk wasn’t married?
He had to call Bil’um to curse
…with chassidishe hechsherim only
ames try this one 🙂 I’ll admit, its not my best :/
A Chinese and an Israeli were walking together.
Chinese: “They recently found some phone cables in china proving the chinese were the first to have telephones.”
Israeli: “Well they didnt find any in Israel, proving they had wireless.”
I’ll wait here while you groan 🙂
ames forewarned is forarmed
please refrain from posting any comments symbolizing depression in the humor thread in the future. jk whats eating you, you dont sound like the ames I know…
remember to 🙂
areivim, then how does that explain this misplaced humor?
i have some corny jokes:
Why couldnt the skeleton go to shachris?
because he didnt have the guts
moish01
Member
areivim, then how does that explain this misplaced humor?
????? explain please
ames I wasn’t questioning your sense of humor, because I know you have a good one, you just seem really depressed now, I hope I’m wrong 🙂
back to jokes now
ames GREAT!!! :):):):):):)
I have a friend, half polish, half german. he hates jews, but he cant remember why… Jackie Mason
🙂
The shamash from Chelm goes to visit Minsk and learn from the wise scholars there. He asks the first scholar he meets to share a bit of wisdom with him, and the scholar agrees. He offers a riddle: “He is my father’s son, but he is not my brother. Who is he?”
The shamash sits down to think this over. After pondering for many hours he admits that he is stumped.
The scholar then triumphantly says, “Why, it is ME”!
The shamash thanks the scholar profusely, and returns to his village armed with this clever riddle. When he arrives home, he gathers all the people and tells them that he has learned wisdom in Minsk and he would like to share it with them. Excitedly, he tells the riddle: “He is my father’s son, but he is not my brother. Who is he?”
The people think and think, but not one can come up with the answer. They beg the shamash to tell them the answer, and finally he agrees. “Why, it is the scholar from Minsk!”
squeak, you read the Jewish Press or something?
Anyone read the Hamodia magazine (past week?)… There was an article on the misconception regarding the Jews of Chelm
areivim, yes what about it? 🙂
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”
🙂
Joke I heard:
Wife: How come you never tell me that you love me?
Husband: Didn’t I tell you in the Yichud room when we got married that I love you?
Wife: Yes, so?
Husband: Did I tell you that I would change my mind?
🙂
very good one! (can’t decide if I agree or not)
quintessential yekkishkeit (revised since my last post didn’t make the cut)
moish: do I read it, or do I write it?
squeak- if you write the chelm column, I’m a monkey’s uncle
yekkishkeit or litvishkeit? (don’t attack me)
areivim, your nephew really is a monkey?? that’s way too cool!
My mother in law sent me this one –
A shvigger is like snow – comes for a half hour, and causes problems for 2 weeks…
moish, you can at least say it quietly. We don’t exactly advertise the monkey skeletons in our closet
Mrs- I think that was posted a while back. That day I repeated it to almost everyone I saw- got such a kick out of it
areivim, you said it was your nephew not your great-uncle. what skeletons??
ah- that’s another skeleton… you’re really digging. At least- don’t tell the shadchanim
areivim, your mother-in-law is that bad??
forget it – i’m not getting married
areivim, you’re already marrind if you already have a mother-in-law (another skeleton??) so the shadchans are gonna lay off for a while.
…unless you’re up to marrying off kids?? no way!
A couple was getting married, and it was only
three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. “Mom,” she says, “I just found out that my fiance’s mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding.”
The bride’s mother thinks for a minute. “Don’t worry,” she tells her daughter. “I’ll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.”
“But mother,” says the bride, “that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It’s such a waste not to use it.”
“Who said I won’t use it?” her mother asked.
“I’ll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner.”
nice one, Queenie!
kapusta = joke of the day gabbai? I bet e/o votes yes just to stop me.
squeak thanx for the nomination, lol but I think I have a few titles already, you think theres room for another one? why not? I accept! all kapustas titles, queen, board member, and now joke of the day gabbai (is gabbai also for females?)
btw, I never actually said your jokes were so awful, but I think you got voted down because you made such high standards for yourself with your own humor (yes, there was a compliment in there,) 🙂
three blondes finished a jigsaw puzzle and went into a bar to celebrate. a man overhears them repeating the words “61 days.” he goes up to them and asks “why do you keep saying 61 days, what does it mean?”
“…because the box said 3-6 years and we finished it in 61 days!”
Kapusta, nice!! I like it!
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.