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mod39: head to general shmooze please!!!! & yes i have virtual ADD!!!
qwertyuiop: ha ha thanx!!!!
beacon, cute!! I wana cute license plate mine is so boring!
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, ‘If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?’
‘No, I had to stop drinking years ago’, the homeless woman told me.
‘Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?’ I asked.
‘No, I don’t waste time shopping,’ the homeless woman said. ‘I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.’
‘Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?’ I asked.
‘Are you NUTS!?’ replied the homeless woman. ‘I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!’
‘Well,’ I said, ‘I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.’
The homeless woman was shocked. ‘Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.’
I said, ‘That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.’
myshadow
Member
beacon, cute!! I wana cute license plate mine is so boring!
lol mod wrong thread!!
Pretty risky, if you ask me. The husband might opt for the well adjusted homeless woman.
just saw this somewhere………………………………………………………………….
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, “If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.” The girl gets up and gives up her seat to the old lady. It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, “If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan.” The girl gives her the fan, too. Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, “Stop, I want to get off here.” The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, “If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here.” The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she’s walking out of the bus, he asks, “Madam, what is it you have?” The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, “Chutzpah.”
A man is staying in a cheap hostel. He sits at the counter and orders supper. The proprietor asks if he has money to pay for it, but the man does not. So the proprietor refuses to serve him. The man says in angry tones, “If you don’t serve me dinner, I will have to do what my father always did in these situations!” Slightly nervous, and not wanting any trouble, the proprietor brings out a sandwich on the house. When the man is done, he asks if the sandwich was good, and by the way, what is it your father used to do? The man replies, “He went to bed hungry.”
One Sunday, A guy walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a small scotch. The guy drinks, and then the waiter tells him, “3 euros please.” and so the guy takes out 3 – 1 euro coins and puts it in 3 different places on the large, L shaped counter. The waiter gives him a stare and goes to fetch the coins from the different places. The next day, the same guy comes in and orders the same drink, again, he puts the coins in 3 different places on the counter. This time the waiter grunts, and angrily goes to fetch the coins. Tuesday and Wednesday, the story repeats itself. Thursday, the same guy walks in and orders a drink, this time he hands the waiter a 5 euro coin. The waiter smirks and decides it’s time to pay the troublemaker back, and so he takes the change, 2 – 1 euro coins and puts them on 2 opposite sides of the counter. He gives the guy a look of triumph. To which the customer pulls out a 1 euro coin and says, “I’ll take another drink please.”
squeak: nice one there!!!!
coke not pepsi: ha nice!!!
A woman was checking out at her local supermarket, when her five year old son began wheezing and make strange noises from his throat. The woman, now frantic, began to shout for help. A well-dressed businessman strode over and in less than ten seconds performed the Heimlich maneuver and extracted the nickel that was caught in the young boy’s windpipe.
The mother, ever so grateful to the gentleman for saving her son’s life, said, “Tell me, sir, are you a volunteer EMT that you were able to do that so quickly and professionally?”
“No, ma’am,” he replied. “I work for the IRS.”
~a~
oh man is that a good one! ha!!
A man is hired by AT&T to empty all the quarters out of the payphones. On his first day, he goes in and gets his route and the key to the payphone coin box. A few weeks later, he jams the key in the box and it snaps off. So he heads back in to the office and tells his supervisor that he needs a new key.
The supervisor takes one look at him and says, “Where have you been? We’ve been holding your paychecks for 4 weeks already!”
The man looks dumbfounded and asks, “You mean I get paid too?”
ha! keep em comin…
deciding between putting it here or in the quote one…
“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. “
Steven Wright is up my alley too
squeak, maybe next time.
Elayne Boosler, actually. (who ever heard of her??)
ok, squeak here’s another one (more famous) but i’m putting it in the other thread
nice ones here!!!! anonymisss & squeak well done!!!!
haha love that one!
hey everyone: new member GOIBOFF here!!!!
GOIBOFF: on behalf of the CR Board & the CR Gang, i welcome you to the CR=coffee room!!! join the fun!!! head to the new members thread, to get a proper welcome from everyone!!! good joke there!!!
It had been snowing for hours when a announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please more their cars so that we may being plowing”. Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class please.”
~a~
and speaking of blondes:
A blonde walks up to a truck at a red light and says: “Hi! My name is Heather and you’re losing your load!”
The truck driver drives on.
At the next light. Heather catches up and says: “Hi! My name is Heather and you’re losing your load!”
The truck driver drives on.
At the next light. Heather catches up again. This time huffing and puffing. She says: “Hi! (huff puff) My name is Heather!…(huff)… And you’re losing your load!
This time the truck driver turns to blonde Heather and says: “Hi. My name is Kevin. It’s snowing out and I’m driving a salt truck.”
~a~
hey moish how come u didnt make me a banner, anonymissss got the honor instead
Elayne Boosler, actually. (who ever heard of her??)
I have – she’s funny.
hi guys i have a cute joke
as a class trip these kids go to a police station while looking at criminals a kid asks a question about a poster if that guy is really a “wanted” guy so the police is like yeah we want 2 catch him really badly so the kid looks up and says”why didnt u keep him when you took his picture”
hey shtarkbocher i haven’t seen you around here much. how do you know about my artwork?? 😉
Time for the joke of the day! Today’s topic – blonde jokes. Can’t remember if I already posted these classics…
1) A blonde calls her friend and says, “I’m working on this puzzle, and I’m really stuck. Can you come over and help?”
Her friend says, “Sure. What’s it supposed to be?”
“The picture on the box shows that it is going to be a tiger.”
So the friend goes over and finds the blonde hunched over in her kitchen with the box and all the pieces strewn over the table. The blonde seems very frustrated and says, “I just can’t figure out where to start. This is a really tough puzzle.”
The friend comes over to the table, sits down, and says in a calming voice, “You need to relax. There is no way you will ever be able to make this look anything like a tiger. Let’s just make you a cup of coffee and you can unwind. Then I will be glad to help you put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
2) A blonde is boasting about how smart she is, because she memorized the Capital of every country in the world! So her friend says, “OK, what is the capital of Afghanistan?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy. ‘A’.”
mods don’t like my joke? here’s a slightly revised version:
a blond officer pulls over a blond driver for speeding:
officer: license and registration please
driver: it must be in here somewhere… (rummaging in her handbag)
officer: mam, I haven’t got all day
driver: what does the license look like?
officer: it’s small & rectangular, and has your picture on it
driver: oh! here it is (hands over her mirror to the officer)
officer: If you would have told me in the beginning that you’re a police officer….
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
On a more positive note, though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed?
Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.
On a more positive note, though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.
joseph, i saw that online a couple of days ago. i actually thought of this thread but i didn’t copy it in.
moish, did you really need to cut short all the accolades I was receiving for my original humor? I should have posted it here first before posting it on the other sites.
Time for the joke of the day!
Did you hear the one about the vulture who was refused the right to board a United Airways flight with a dead skunk under each wing? They cited the airlines’ rule – only one carrion per passenger.
ouch squeak. Not sure we were yotzei with that one.
By the way, please (In General Shmooze) show me where I clearly state one way or another, as to my current location
ha nice try, joseph.
squeak- neeeext
OK, OK. This one’s for Joseph.
There was a certain Rov who always paskened L’Halacha, but tried to find a shittah that was as maikel as possible. After he died, he arrived in Heaven for judgement. It was immediately decided that he is 100% worthy of entering Gan Eden right away. When he arrives, he finds that his place has a bed with a straw mattress, a small table and chair, but nothing else.
He asks, “THIS is Olam Haboh???”
The reply, “According to some shittos it is.”
this aint no joke- it’s a moshol used all the time. What’s with your humor today?
squeak, better, but OOOLD.
i gotta admit, it’s a good one, though. (and you gotta say it with the “voice” and the “hand” like “eeehhh, according to some shittas.” you know – like real greasy.)
three and you’re out! We’re gonna have to call a CR board meeting for this one
OK, I will officially tender my resignation in the morning. People c’mon, it was never supposed to be me doing the joke of the day, I was just trying to get a thing going. Canned lines are just not my thing, y’know.
ames, it requires further study.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.”
The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
OK, so I can’t quit. I guess the only other option is to keep putting myself out there until I’m fired. So here goes with my bid for strike 3……
I was playing the card table at the local casino all night (no, of course not ME) when suddenly I noticed a sign on the wall that said, “Do you have a gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLING for help”.
So I whipped out my cell phone, dialed the number and got connected. The rep said, “Hello?” and I said, “Yeah. I’m playing blackjack and I’ve got an Ace and a 5. The dealer is showing a nine. What should I do?”
the windup the delivery the batter swings and its a long fly ball to left field the left fielder (ames) is back to the warning track . . . to the wall and its OUTTA HERE
nice one squeak 🙂
baal kishron- how long have you been practicing? 😉
OK, time for the joke of the day! This time, I am intentionally relying on the fact that my strike count has reset to zero! Eat your hearts out until someone else takes over this onerous task.
I recently switched auto insurance companies because I got a cheap quote. The best part was that the quote for my Fire and Theft coverage dropped by 95%! After I locked in the policy I mentioned to a rep what a great deal I got and I asked how it could be that their prices are so much lower than everyone else’s. So she replied to me that it is because they figure no one is going to steal a burnt car.
squeak- I used to have this thing with a friend called “corn in the morn”…
Leibel?
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