A Humorous Item

qwertyuiop: nice gun there buddy!!! is it a 9mm???

You guys want an AK47. I use it for my pigeon hunting! Just kidding…

it looks like a glock- where did you get one?

Ya know something asdfghjkl? You have a fair point- I wouldn’t put it past myself!

noitallmr: i know, i could so see you shooting pigeons!!!

syriansephardi: cool!!!! fun!!!

noitall: where did you get one? arent the laws too difficult for that?

Yeshivish Driver’s License Application

Boro Park DMV

Please answer the following questions IN ENGLISH to the best of your ability.

No yiddish responses.

Last name*: ________________

*if you go by your last name as your first name(ie, Goldberg) then write the other name.

* If longer than 15 characters, shorten it already

---

First name:____________ ben ___________

[_] Chaim Yosef [_] Sarah Leah

[_] Yosef Chaim [_] Racheli Leah

[_] Yosef Chaim Yossie [_] Leah Leah

[_] Menachem Mendel [_] Bracha Bina

[_] Yizchak Isaac [_] Bina Bracha Tova

[_] Dov Bear [_] Chava Nagila

[_] Sid/Lou/Max [_] Sarah Rivka Rachel Leah

Middle Name: _____ (If you have more than 5 middle names, leave blank)

---

Hebrew Birthday ________

Secular Birthday (‘summer’ is not an answer) _____

Age: ____ (if unsure or don’t want kids/wife to know, leave blank or scribble)

---

Names of connections you have at DMV/City Hall:

_______ _______ ________

_______ _______ ________

---

Do you drive with a hat or shaitel on? _____

Hat Size/Maker: ____/______

While waiting at a red light, do you:

___ learn – if yes, what sefer/daf?_____

___adjust shaitel/ make-up

___daven (women only)

___ talk to your mother – if yes, what topic: (shopping, gossip, weddings, what to wear)

___ talk to your rebbe – if yes, what topic: (halachic shaiyla, relationship, money, halachos of dating and money, shul politics)

---

Spouse’s Name: ______________________ bas________

Shver’s Name/Address/Fax: __________________

Shver’s occupation/ salary for you: __________________

Rebbe’s Name: _______________________

(Lenient) Rebbe’s Name: ___________________

Yichus: ___________________ ______ _______ ______

Yeshivos your learned by _______________ _____ _____ _____ (4 max)

Award honors from shu/yeshiva: _________________ year______

---

Occupation:

[_] Hocker (cellphones)[_] Diamonds (Belgium/Tel Aviv) [_] Accounting [_] Import/Export Wholesale [_] Rabbi/Teacher [_] Rebbetzin/Therapist [_] CEO (uknown industry) [_] Father-In-Law’s Biz [_] Social Work [_] Lawyer/Rabbi [_] Doctor

[_] Son is a doctor

---

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of anacles living in Israel: ___

Number of grandchildren living in household: ___

Number of bochurim staying by you for the yeshiva_____

Number of kiddushes sponsored by you (shalosh seudos included)____

---

Education: 6,7,8 (Circle highest grade completed before going to learn full-time)

If higher education what was your major?

[_] 9th grade [_] 10th grade

Do you [_] Own [_] Rent your mobile phone? What kind and how much do you pay per month______ /$_______

---

___ Total number of vehicles you own

___ Number of carpools your drive daily

___ Total number of vehicles you borrow from your neighbor to do errands before shabbos

___ Number of station wagons you have at the garage

___ Total number of convertibles you’ve rented when visiting a hot place (LA, Florida, Vegas) for a chasunah

___ Number of SUVs you own

___ Number of Uncle Moshe tapes you have in front seat

___ Number of Loshon Hora bumper stickers

___ Number of Golan bumper stickers

___ Number of times you’ve wanted to kill Kivi and Tooky

___ Number of Chus-Bus trips you take a week

---

What camps did you goto (Mogen Av/Sternberg only.) ______ _______

---

you will recieve further correspondence and discounts from our business partners/relatives? Yes? K, now take a number and wait online. have a good shabbos.Next.

BasYisroel2: ha ha the dmv ones were awesome!!! thanx!!!

hey i just noticed the joke of the day on the home page, it’s really funny!!! go ck it out everyone!!!

asdfg- get a grip… on the glass 😉

areivimzehlazeh: ha thanx buddy!!!

asdfghjkl: i have 1 word for you, K-L-U-T-Z.$ 🙂

Ames: even though I know ur kidding- billionare, millionare, reg guy, wouldn’t go wakin up the cleaning help for that, if ya no what I mean lol and asdfghjkl that’s prety funny!!

____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’

TEACHER: No, that’s wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘I.’

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’

MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

Lol joseph I read most of those in the community magazine

Nine Words Women Use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying &*^$ YOU!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3.

hey moderator, i think this is pretty kosher, but if there’s one or two you don’t like just take them out – don’t delete the whole thing, ok?

as qwertyuiop says: thanks in advance!

anonymisss, i KNEW i missed you while you were gone… great one there!

anonymisss: that was cute

moish, I like those nine words. I can definitely identify…

~a~

anonymisss – THAT was a good one

anonymisss: good one there!!!

anonymisss: i’d like to welcome back your humor.$

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee”.

The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

HEBREWS

~a~

Top ten ways you know you are on a bad date:

10. I am so not getting onto OnlySimchas.com with this guy/girl

9. Please Please Hashem, let there be no one here I know

8. That’s so weird, this ceiling has 48 tiles. Unlike the floor which has 47.

7. I now realize that “being set up” can mean two different things.

6. I’ll just spell “help” out with my utensils and maybe someone will understand.

5. I miss work.

4. Yisurin shel ahava… Yisurin shel ahava

3. If I call myself on my cell phone, will it ring?

2. This girl/guy puts the “uch” in shidduch.

1. I will never ever trust my mother again

Top ten signs you are in Brooklyn:

10. You find yourself waiting on line to get into ‘standing room only’ at Dougie’s on Motzai Shebbos.

9. There are no Starbucks or Barnes & Nobles in sight. There are, however, 5 kosher pizza places within a three block radius.

8. The “Kosher Gym”- need I say more?

7. The only person to respond to your “Good Shabbos’s” is the guy asking for change on the corner.

6. Every other car on the street is a BMW/ Lexus leased from “Malcar”.

5. There are at least three shuls/shteibel’s on every block, but the one you daven at, is five blocks away from your house.

4. You can find a maariv minyan at 12:27 a.m., and then satisfy your midnight craving at Bissele’s the Shnitzel king or Deli 52.

3. Every bakery/ and restaurant requires at least three hashgacha’s.

2. Finding a parking spot on Ave. J or 13th Ave on a Friday afternoon is your week’s biggest triumph.

1. Chicago? Is that the state near Baltimore?