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kapushta: haha it took me a few seconds to get it
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
haymatt19: thats rly rly cool
but no offence its been posted like 5 times lol
its still rly cool tho
none taken, don’t have the desire to sift through 11 pages of posts (and neither do the mods at this hour)
neither do the mods? here
Here’s one I got via e-mail…
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director
‘How do you determine whether or not a patient should be
institutionalized’
‘Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.’
‘Oh, I understand,’ said the visitor. ‘A normal person would use the
bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.’
‘No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?’
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied.
‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?
**********************************************************
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied,
‘No peer pressure.’
***************************************************
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor’s permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
*************************************************************
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as
sharp as it used to be.
***************************************************************
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
***************************************************************
Always Remember This:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop
laughing!
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
A large milk company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a
tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was
full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
‘How much money do you make a week?’ A little surprised, the young fellow
looked at him and replied, ‘I make $300.00 a week. Why?’The CEO then
handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, ‘Here’s four weeks’ pay,
now GET OUT and don’t come back.’ Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO
looked around the room and asked, ‘Does anyone want to tell me what that
goof-off did here?’ From across the room came a voice, ‘Pizza delivery guy from
Domino’s.’
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look friend, don’t EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologizes and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
One day a blonde buys two horses but she can’t tell them apart. She calls up her friend and says,” I got these two horses but I can’t tell them apart. What should I do?” Her friend says try tying a ribbon in one of your horses tails.” The next day the blonde calls back and says, “It didn’t work the ribbon came out. What now?” So her friend says, “Try spray painting one of your horses manes.” The blonde calls back the next day and says, “The spray paint washed out.” So her friend says, “I am all out of ideas.” The next day the blonde calls back and says, “I just figured out that the white horse is ten inches taller than the black horse!”
A man was in a bad car accident. A police officer rushed to the car and asked the driver if he’s ok. “How should I know if I’m ok,” replied the driver. “I’m a doctor not a lawyer!”
teen btw, my name is… well call me kapuSta-as in no h- and dont worry all forgiven
as for my joke,
my doctor told me to lose some weight so I decided to go to the gym every day, and even changed my regular route to work so I would’t pass my favorite bakery and see all the goodies. one day, out of habit, I went with my old route and passed by the bakery. I wanted to be strong, so I told myself I wouldn’t go in unless II found a spot right away. finally, on my eighth time around the block, my perseverence paid off.
I really needed a laugh and I havent been on in a while.. thanks all! I really appreciate it!!!
ha these are funny guys!!! thanx!!
Another funny about telemarketers… Someone asked one of them, “What’s your name?”
“I was told to tell you my name is Robert” (Indian accent)…
So are they all having identity crises? I have the feeling that they dont know anyone named Robert in India (as a native).
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.” The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
poster: that’s a funny one.$
poster: after reading your post it was so hard for me not to laugh and have the people in my room thinking I am crazy!
Poster – Very good.
Poster- I can’t stop laughing!
poster: ha that was hilarious!!!
i did not make up this song, yet i adapted it to fit the CR!!!
here goes…… this song is dedicated to each & every member of the chashuva CR, & to our outstanding Moderators!!!
? ? BECAUSE OF THE CR!!!!? ?
-first thing each day, i log onto the cr!!!!
-i can not wait, to see the posts my friends have made(posted!!!
-i will not rest, till i’ve replied & commented to everyone!!!!
-i’m on here all day!!! how did i let it get this far!!!
-because of the cr, i never pay my bills, or do my job!!!!
-because of the cr, i never go outside, or cook my own dinner!!!!!
-because of the cr, i never mow my lawn, i can’t even do my own laundry!!!
-because of the cr, i never bathe!!!!!
-because of the cr, i never clean my house or go shopping!!!!
-because of the cr, the only thing i eat are leftovers!!!!
-because of the cr, i find it hard to even have a family!!!!!!!!
-i read your stuff, can’t get enough, i never sleeeeep!!!!
-this is so wrong, i’ve been on so long, everyone’s posting!!!
-the only dream i have in life, is to be a Moderator!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-because of the cr, i never play anymore, with my dog!!!
-because of the cr, i wear the same t-shirt for about a year!!!
-because of the cr, i never shave!!!!
BECAUSE OF THE CR, AHHHHH OHHHHH AHHHHH OHHHHH!!!!
thank you everyone for reading this!!!
Poster- this one is a winner!
asdfghjkl- to what tune do we read/sing this? its cute… but I hope that this is not to be taken seriously… or I will have to redirect you to “CR anonymous”…
heimesheyid: very good, very funny.
asdfghjkl,
no bathing… same t-shirt for a year.. I’m glad smell doesn’t travel thru cyberspace.
just kidding, cute song!
‘Millionaire’ Contestant… Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever!
NEW YORK – Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’
It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing ‘the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.’ After being introduced to the show’s host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: ‘Which of the following is the largest?’
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
‘Hmm, oh boy, that’s a toughie,’ said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief. ‘I mean, I’m sure I’ve heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.’
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
‘Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!’ exclaimed Evans. ‘I think I better phone a friend.’
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
‘Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I’m on TV!’ said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. ‘Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.’
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
‘Come on Betsy, are you sure?’ said Evans. ‘How sure are you? Duh, that can’t be it.’
To everyone’s astonishment, Evans declined to take her friend’s advice and pick ‘The Moon.’
‘I just don’t know if I can trust Betsy. She’s not all that bright. So I think I’d like to ask the audience,’ said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, ‘The Moon..’ Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
‘Wow, seems like everybody is against what I’m thinking,’ said Evans. ‘But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let’s see… For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I’m going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.’
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, ‘The Moon.’
Caution…they walk among us! (Note from Oomis : I don’t know if this story is an urban myth or not, but it certainly is funny…
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old20
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it..’ For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50..’
The next day someone stole it!
***They walk amongst us!***
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach
. She drove down in a convertible, but ‘didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving’.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. ‘Now,’ she asked me, ‘Has your plane arrived yet?’…
(I work with professionals like this.)
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and t
he cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. ‘Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces
oomis, do they walk among us, or do they walk among us?
and here’s a bold 😉 so you don’t miss it…
They WALK among us, but refuse to stop to ask for directions… 😉
nice
HAHAHA these are really making me laugh
i really needed this thanks guys 🙂
teen! what have you been up to??
moish01: my mom put on a firewall…still havent gotten passed it but im trying 😛 i got here to allow the cr tho
what kind of protection does your computer have? just out of curiosity.
a question to the famous Abby of dear Abby fame:
Dear Abby: I would love to have my family history traced but I can’t afford it any suggestions?
reply: become a politician
its called trend micro internet security pro my mom has a list of approved websites and the rest are blocked…i had a freind who tried heping me she gave me anti proxy websites and even tried to ping it (whatever that means) but it didnt work she said its not being blocked byuproxy so it would need something else but she got bored and stopped so still being blocked
ill end this whole book now 😛
nice, kapusta.
could I ask what you’re doing reading jokes while we’re on my limited crash course time?
havesomeseichel: ha the song is pure humor, entertainment!!! sorry i can’t tell ya the tune!!! maybe at the next cr gathering i’ll sing it!!!!
charlie brown: ha thanx!!!
teen: wow that seems like a serious federal computer that ya can’t break the firewall!!
I’ve got a good joke.
An American Jew goes to a kosher restaurant in the UK. He is being served by a Chinese waiter, who spoke to him in perfect Yiddish, offering him his menu. After the meal the American Jew turns to leave and sees the manager smiling at him, asking, “Did you like the meal?” The American Jew says: ‘Thanks, I really enjoyed it. And by the way I was really surprised at your Yiddish-speaking waiter.” The manager replied “Oh that’s nothing. He thinks he is speaking English.”
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”
“A rose?” asked the neighbor.
“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”
beacon: ha i liked it!!! i heard the version that Rose was the name of his wife!!!
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!!!”, he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!”, retorted the officer.
“You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh no!”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
“Where’s my Blackberry???!!!”
asdfghjkl, do me a favor and read it again. maybe you’ll get it this time 🙂
moish01: ha ya got me!!! i really only skimmed it, ya know the ADD thing!!! i read it again, thanx pal!!!!
asd- you crack me up… listen to moish ok? Lol
beacon: ha i know i’m slow!!!!
beacon: i really liked your lawyer joke!!! gatta email it to my bro!!!!
asdfghjkl, how about beacon’s? did you read that one?
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