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Posts
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I don’t even trust them for the rest of the NIGHT!
Spontaneous generation.
squeak: did u mean spontaneous regeneration?
and ames: i odnt think there are eve rflies in completly sealed light fixtures…a lot of them at the top have a bit of spaceso they dont overheat mayb thats how they get in
Of course it’s a joke. I wouldn’t go off topic, at risk of my life!
teen – you’re lucky you said you’re just joking. otherwise your posts would have started to randomly disappear 🙂 (i’m just kidding too)
mod42: was my favorite last nite, after the rest of you(mods and posters) ditched us.$
squeak, gets a bit stale as you go down the list… love the kamikaze one though
qwertyuiop: yeah 42 was awesome last night!!!
mod42 is the best
Are these posts on topic? Does that mean I am a humorous item?
good one, 42! ok i’m kidding!
mod42: i dont think there is a right answer to that question 😛
MOD42: a shtickel!!! it’s not shobbos in ireland by u??? ha ha
I have never kept Shabbos in Ireland
two options: either 42 is frei or he’s not asdfghjkl
moish01: or he doesnt live in ireland or he is not jewish
A funny piece that i found:
Shomrei Emunah, baruch Hashem, has reached an important life- cycle. Many of the members are becoming involved in the “shidduch parsha” for their sons and daughters of marriageable age (@17.5 +/-10 years). In recognition of the issues that such a situation raises, the shul will be offering a series of seminars for parents of prospective chassanim and kallahs. This seminar will include the following workshops given by noted local community experts:
*Getting your daughter into the “Right” Seminary
*Top ten Girls Seminaries in Israel to Avoid
*Seminary Directors in Israel Who Died and Made Them Kings?
*Application fees to seminaries in Israel: Larceny or an investment in Your Future.
* How to get your son into the top ten at Lakewood
*Yeshivonics: Translating grammatically incorrect speech into English
*Going back in time: How to Get YU and NCSY to disappear from your secret files.
*The most appropriate sefarim to have on your bookshelf (note: The first 50 registrants will be entered into a drawing for a $50 gift certificate at Shabsi’s Judaica
* How to obtain those Yeshiva Transcripts you never had
*How to master Shas in one week
*Lomdus 101: Is it Possible to shlug-up the “nice boy”, “nice girl”
Gezara Shoveh
*Etymology 353: A historical analysis of the word “nice” losing all meaning
*Chumra crash course: A primer to Yoshon, Cholov/Pas Yisrael, Gebrokhts, and separate seating/standing
*Kitchen remodeling: How to give an illusion of the double sink using mirrors from Home Depot
*Post Hoc Yichus Acquisition: Creative and alternative approaches to tracing and documenting your family tree
*Shinui Shem: Legally changing your daughter’s last name to something more desirable
*Financial Planning I: Which set of books to show the (prospective) Mechutanim
*Financial Planning II: How to go into Hock with dignity and still cover your Kol Nidre Pledge
*Financial Planning III: Pre-Shidduch financial negotiation tactics
*Financial Planning IV: Automatic payroll withdrawal to cross country manor and the Fountainbleu
*How to hand over your credit cards and car keys with a smile
* Progressive stupidity in the Shidduch-Parsha parent: Why have we lost control of the situation?
*Understanding your daughter’s fantasy of a $1,000 something piece of fake hair on her head: A psychiatric case study
*Narishkeit Update: A compilation of the New “That’s-Just-the-Way-it’s-Done” Laws of the past 10 years
*Fashion Update I: A guide to color-coded snoods
*Fashion Update II: Wardrobe Rules for Vorts and Sheva Brochos
*Your first grandchild next year?: A practical Shidduch Timetable for your dating child
*How to look at a 20-year-old boy in the Black Hat without cracking up: Behavior modification techniques for the 90’s
*How to break it off with a guy who expresses an interest in earning a living
*Understanding Twenty-First Century Demographics: Everyone’s Mechanech
Do you want to join?
just to keep this thread going…
this might be a repeat, if it is, sorry…
Yankel, approaching 25, had never been on a date before. One day his rosh yeshiva told him that it was time to find himself a wife, and he had already set him up with a girl for that evening.
Yankel: I’ve never spoken to girls before, what should I talk about?
R”Y oh anything, family, food…
that night on the date…
Yankel: do you have any brothers?
girl: no
Yankel: do you like fish?
girl: no
Yankel: if you had a brother, would he like fish?
I know it wasn’t one of the best… sorry 🙁
I heard this joke as the 3 F’s, family, food, and filosophy.
I also heard it with cholent and kugel. I don’t think I ever heard fish before.
kapushta: hmmm is the answer yes?
no wiat…its a trick question right? 😛
i thought the three big F’s were fake, foney, fraud
I thought you went to sleep.
i did. can’t sleep. and i’m debating if i should leave the “f” in foney or if they’re not gonna get it…
funny funny funny 😛
Mod42- I was trying to take away any identifying details… i didnt hear it with fish actually but theres always a first time…
Moish is that the lawyer gene at work?
what did i say already?
we got it we got it… some of us at this end also text…
basically your life story… jk
kapusta, WHAT?!
nothing, it was a joke, chill
i think ALL my genes are half asleep. no idea what you’re talking about.
5 boros of ny according to a chassidis fellow:
1)monroe
2)monsey
3)williamsburg
4)new square
5)seagate
u got lost there, if we ever have another 5 am CR party, remind me to explain it to you
I saw this during the whole El-Al / Shabbos Fiasco:
In view of El Al’s handling of the recent unfortunate situation of potentially having aircraft and passengers stranded on Erev Shabbat in the aftermath of a general strike in Israel, I propose that a new Charedi airline should now be established offering the following facilities:
* Strict pre flight passenger religious profiling. Booking available through Haimishe Travel Agents only, positively no internet booking or check in facilities. No airport (or any other) taxes.
* Flexible departure times, Magen Avraham, Gra, Rabbenu Tam etc.
* Security personal to be replaced by modesty police to check appropriate attire.
* Exclusive Platinum check in desk for all passengers.
* Unique “Maso Umattan” desk to negotiate upgrades and denied boarding compensation.
* Flight check in to commence 90 minutes after scheduled departure time.
* Unlimited checked in and hand baggage allowances.
*Only 279 Passengers may be booked for seating on any flight. Additional passengers may board right before takeoff to Standing Room Only” area for “Simchas Ya’aleh V’yavo”.
* Arrival at the departure gate 15 minutes after the last call positively encouraged.
* Frequent flyer “Middos Points” awarded on the basis of in flight Blatt Gemmoro learned. Bonus points available for the most original new Chumras submitted to the Board.
* On board fully equipped Beis Hamidrash offering running Minyanim, shiurim and live video links to your Rebbe. Unrestricted use of mobile (Kosher) phones, absolutely no internet access.
*Pilots cabin will be reconfigured to hold 3-5 baby seats (in addition to normal cabin crew)
*Emergency under seat inflatable vests will now come in black or dark navy as Yellow is not a Tznisudik color
*To offset operating expenses Charedi Air will lease its planes from a reputable Brooklyn car leasing establishment (don’t worry about excess mileage)
* Four unique travel classes ranging from the exclusive Rambam First Class for Gedolei Hador only; Shelita Class for Dayanim and senior Rabbonim; Kolel Class for those who have been in full time learning for at least 30 years and Yeshivishe Class with optional seating. Women will be seated at the rear of the hold (subject to receiving permission to board from the modesty police). Women deemed to be immodestly dressed or wearing wigs with Indian hair will be relegated into overhead compartment
* Mashgichim Temidim to replace flight attendants offering a choice of cuisine with outstanding Hechsherim ranging from Bedatz to Monsey Super Glatt.
* No refreshments will be served on the following Taanesim:- Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedalyo, Asoro BeTeves, Shivo Osor BeTammuz and Hey Iyyar.
* To prevent the possible desecration of the holy Shabbos (chas v’sholom) flights will only be scheduled on Monday to Wednesday. In addition flights will not run on the following days:-Erev Yom Tov, Yom Tov Sheini Shel Golyus, Isru Chag, Purim, 1-10 Av (until after Chatzos). Schedules are subject to disruption after Purim during which time aircraft will be thoroughly Kashered for Pesach.
*Floor of plane should be granite, hardwood, imported Italian tile or thick carpet
*Seat belts will be replaced by “Seat Gartels”
*”Pre flight” safety video will be replaced by professional make and female actors (all shoimer shabbos who will depict instructions)
*Free retouching of passport pictures for single girls 16 and over
*Lighting should be chandeliers
*All cabin crew should be either Hispanic or Polish with shared passport
*First class isn’t booked its auctioned for a tzedaka
*Baby carriages don’t have to be stored, they can be left in the aisles
*Planes are allowed to double and triple park on runways if pilot has to “run into terminal for just a second”
JayMatt19: long, but kinda funny!!!!
Cust
what is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program ?
UNIX
yes, that’s correct.
Cust
no, what is it ?
UNIX
yes.
Cust
so, which is the one ?
UNIX
no.’which’ is used to find the program.
Cust
stop this. who are you ?
UNIX
use ‘who am i’ not ‘who r yoo’.you can also ‘finger yoo’ to get information about ‘yoo’.
Cust
all i want to know is what finds the revision code ?
UNIX
use ‘what’.
Cust
that’s what i am trying to find out. isn’t that true ?
UNIX
no. ‘true’ gives you 0.
Cust
which one ?
UNIX
‘true’ gives you 0. ‘which programname’
Cust
let’s get back to my problem. what program? how do i find it?
UNIX
type ‘find/-name it’ to find ‘it’.type ‘what program’ to get the revision code.
Cust
i want to find the revision code.
UNIX
you can’t ‘find revisioncode’, you must use ‘what program’.
Cust
which command will do what i need?
UNIX
no. ‘which command’ will find ‘command’.
Cust
i think i understand. let me write that.
UNIX
you can ‘write that’ only if ‘that’ is a user on your system.
Cust
write what?
UNIX
no. ‘write that’.’what program’.
Cust
cut that out!
UNIX
yes. those are valid files for ‘cut’.don’t forget the options.
Cust
do you always do this ?
UNIX
‘du’ will give you disk usage.
Cust
HELP!
UNIX
‘help’ is only used for Source Code Control System(SCCS).
Cust
you make me angry.
UNIX
no, I don’t ‘make me’ angry but i did ‘make programname’ when i was upset once.
Cust
i don’t want to make trouble, so no more.
UNIX
no ‘more’? ‘which’ will help you find ‘more’. every system has ‘more’.
Cust
nice help! I’m confused more now.
UNIX
understand that since ‘help’ is such a small program, it is better not to ‘nice help’. and ‘more now’ is not allowed but ‘at now’ is. Unless of course ‘now’ is a file name.
Cust
this is almost as confusing as my PC.
UNIX
i didn’t know you needed help with ‘pc’.let me get you to the Pascal compiler team.
How to be annoying online
1. Make up fake acronyms. Online veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or ROTFL (rolling on the floor laughing) to show that they’re “hep” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (“You don’t know that? RTFM”).
2. WRITE YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON’T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE. ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!
3. When replying to your mail, correct everyone’s grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don’t otherwise respond to the content of their messages. when they respond testily to your “creative criticism,” do it again. Continue until they go away.
4. Software and files offered online are often “compressed” so that they won’t take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word e-mail responses like “Thanks.”
5. Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like “JackieMasonI,” then see how many people download it. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-ons.
6. cc: all your e-mail to Al Gore so that he can keep track of what’s happening on the Internet.
7. Join a discussion group and tie whatever’s being discussed back to an unrelated central theme. For instance, if you’re in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore you.
Santa is a System Administrator?
Consider:
Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
Santa seldom answers your mail.
When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”
Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.
Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
Santa laughs entirely too much.
Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.
Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
Things to do when your ISP is down
Dial 911 immediately.
Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.
You mean there’s something else to do?
Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.
Work.
Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.
Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.
Things not to say to a cop if pulled over…
1. I’ll talk to ya when i’m done on my cellular phone.
2. I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me!
5. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
10. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
11. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
12. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around – that’s how far ahead of me they are.
Ways to Get Rid of Telemarketers (And expected hang times)
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bank-ruptcy and you SURE COULD USE SOME MORE MONEY! Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back?” (10 seconds)
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” start to sniffle and say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, “my sciatica is acting up,” “my dog just died,” describe your recent surgery… Continue talking about your problems over their sales pitch. (4 minutes)
3. If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located, how do you spell that… (5 minutes)
4. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!!” (Assuming her name is Judy,) “Is this really you? I can’t believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?” This will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from. (1 minute)
5. Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up. (3 seconds if they know the Federal “3-No’s” law, 2 minutes otherwise)
6. If a phone company calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any living friends…would you be my friend?” (6 seconds)
7. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat or chicken or even human blood too? We had this kinda wild party the other night on the full moon…” (3 seconds)
8. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh, really, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get back to the sales, just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger. (6 minutes)
9. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.” You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business/the weather?” (2 minutes)
10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. If the person says, “Well, I don’t really want to get a call at home,” say, “Ya! I know HOW YOU FEEL!” (smiling, of course…) (1 minute)
11. When they ask for a specific person, get choked up, then tell them he/she just died and hang up sobbing. (12 seconds)
Joseph: ha i liked the cop ones!!!!
joseph-nice…………………………………………………………………….
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come on people u dont have any funny things? post away
and joseph how about
cop: your eyes look glassy, have you been drinking
offender: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts?
I could sure go for one right now… mmmmmm
btw, mod42 have you ever heard it with kapusta? as in the food, not her highness, ms. kapusta…
…im considering making it my new sig, it almost is anyway…
asdf you read #2 of how to be annoying online? LOL
You the pro!!!!!!!!!
beacon: ha i know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
joseph- incredible i laughed all the way through!
The mods approved some new stuff above, after more recent posts were already up.
See above.
joseph: ha i love the telemarketer one!!! they didn’t approve mine!!! there’s also the one to act like your deaf & keep yelling in the phone what,what,i can’t hear ya!!! i tried it a few times, i was rolling on the floor!!! the guy on the other end kept yelling & repeating everything-classic!!! another one i tried was, in mid conversation yell ”oh my god!!!!”, give a pause….the guy who was on the other end was like is everthing all right!!! i said my dog died & had to run!!!
Or my favorite- “You’re taking up space on my caller ID” SLAM
another country yossi one
“always check carefully to see if you any words out”
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