A Humorous Item

long story made very short:

was a rabbi

kept to the full letter of Halachah, but always poskined the most makel shita he could search out.

came to Olam Ha Bah

court said, excellent record, no need for weighing, no Gehinnom, straight to Gan Eden for you.

brought to a small bare room with a table and straw mattress, nothing else.

he said: “THIS is Olam Ha Bah!!”

he was told:”according to some shitas.”

change the word makel to machmir. This joke is a two way street.

A fellow comes to gehennom and is told he has a choice of gehennom.

The first one is NY Gehennom: you spend the day shopping at upscale boutiques up and down Broadway, spend the afternoon in s spa and then go out to dinner. At midnight we put you in a vat of boiling oil until daybreak when you start all over again.

The fellow doesnt like the sound of the boiling oil so he asks about the next option.

The next one is the LA Gehennom. Start off the day in a sprawling home in an affluent neighborhood, spend the day touring Hollywood, whooping it up in Disneyland,watching sunset on a serene beach. At midnight we put you in a vat of boiling oil until daybreak when you start all over again.

The fellow starts getting nervous about this boiling oil business so he asks about the third option.

Well the third one is Lakewood gehennom. Wake up in a narrow townhouse in a crowded development, race your beat up minivan around town trying to get to all the babysitters, drop off all the kids and still get a parking space a block and a half away from Yeshiva. Lunch is the same in reverse, have some warmed up leftovers and themn back to the crowded BMG. At midnight we put you in a vat of boiling oil until daybreak when you start all over again.

The fellow ask why anyone in their right mind would choose the Lakewood gehennom!!

The angel answers because in Lakewood midnight is not exactly at midnight, the boiling oil is not so boiling, there is a gmach for boilproof suits etc etc etc!!

…and here’s some more food for thought…

Did you know that “verb” is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?

What is another word for “thesaurus”?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word “irregardless”?

Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?”

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?

Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?

Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

a father was oncce teaching his children chumosh he said when lot’s wife turned around she turned into a pillar of salat.. his child turned to him and said what is the big deal yesterday mom was driving and she turned into a mailbox

Jewess,

That was excellent!

Here’s another one for your collection:

Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

Brain Stuff . . . From Cambridge University.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The

phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on!!

Many years ago, in a far away country, there was a well-known rabbi who was consulted on all sorts of matters relating to the Jewish people. His wise counsel was sought from people of all walks of life, and the community at large accepted his decisions, as they understood that his rulings and pronouncements were divinely inspired.

So when one time he met with some parents of his students, and a few mothers complained that their children were not making their beds, he assured them that he would deal with the matter. That week, in his public address to his students, he mentioned that the students should always make sure to make their beds in the morning.

When the person transcribing the speech wrote up his review of the talk, he made sure to emphasize the rabbi’s intention. He wrote, “The Rosh Yeshiva today ruled that one is m’chuyav to make his bed in the morning.” Word spread fast. The halacha had been established: One was obligated to make their bed.

Later that day, someone came to the Rosh Yeshiva and asked, “I don’t have time to make my bed before I go to davening. By the time I get back my mother is gone for the day so she doesn’t think I make my bed, and isn’t pleased. What should I do?” After hearing the answer that was given, the halacha was suitably amended to say that the bed should be made as soon as one gets up. “One is m’chuyav to make his bed in the morning, as soon as he gets up.”

The next day, he was approached by a bochur that wanted to know, “When you said ‘as soon as he gets up’, do you mean immediately – right when one steps out of the bed – or is one allowed some time first?

So they added to the text: “One is m’chuyav to make his bed in the morning, soon after he gets up.”

“How long soon after?” he was immediately asked. “How much time exactly?”

“10-15 minutes?”, he replied, figuring that’s a reasonable amount of time.

And so it was added: “One is m’chuyav to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up.” The bochurim found this to be a satisfactory resolution, but unsurprisingly, it resulted in some bochurim insisting that it should be made by 10 minutes, and others saying it was fine to wait even 15 minutes. After some time, they settled on an unofficial resolution by considering 10 minutes to be the first zman, and 15 minutes the second zman.

Things went along smoothly until one day a bochur came over and explained to him a problem he had run into. “My roommate doesn’t like the way I make my bed! He claims it’s not really made!”

“What do you mean?”, asked the Rosh Yeshiva. “Well, he claims that for a bed to be considered ‘made’ the pillow needs to be on top and the sides need to be even or tucked in, and I just lay out the cover on top, covering everything, however it comes out. What should I do?” The Rosh Yeshiva mulled this over for a while, and replied:

You’re allowed to make it however your family does it. What’s acceptable to your mother (or father) is acceptable here. Hakol k’minhago. An addition was added to the halacha: “One is m’chuyav to make his bed in the morning, within 10-15 minutes from when he gets up. The manner of making the bed should be done according to one’s established minhag.”

(Later that week when the bochurim went home for the weekend, many parents were somewhat confused when they were asked by their sons, “What is the minhag of our family of how to make our beds?”, but they figured it was all part of the tremendous spiritual growth they could see in their young bnei torah.)

One morning a few weeks later, as shacharis was beginning, the Rosh Yeshiva was notified about an argument that had broken out between 2 bochurim.

Approaching their room, he heard loud shouting through the closed door. As he entered, he found one of the bochurim vehemently yelling at the other.

Seeing him come in, the young man turned to him and exclaimed loudly,

“Rebbe! I’m so glad you’re here! I tried to get him to make his bed but he wouldn’t listen! He just ignored me, and now it’s 5 minutes after the zman, and look – his bed is still not made!”

Before the Rosh Yeshiva had a chance to respond, the other bochur quickly spoke up in his defense, “That’s not true. I only got out of bed 2 minutes ago! I still have 8 minutes until the zman!”

“Yes, he only got out of bed 2 minutes ago. But he woke up 20 minutes ago! That means he should have made his bed 10 minutes ago!”

It was clear that there needed to be some clarification: When the psak was issued that a bed must be made 10-15 minutes after getting up, did ‘after getting up’ mean after waking up (‘m’sha’as kumuso’) or did it mean after

getting out of bed (‘m’sha’as yitziaso’)? At this point a small crowd had gathered around the room and a vociferous discussion had broken out.

Everyone started buzzing, talking, sharing their thoughts of why it meant this interpretation and not the other one. Realizing what was happening,

the Rosh Yeshiva put an abrupt stop to it all by loudly demanding that everyone should immediately go to davening and they would deal with it later on.

By lunchtime that day the Rosh Yeshiva had still not addressed the burning issue and a fierce debate had already broken out in the halls of the yeshiva. Even the rabbeim had gotten involved. Some felt that the halacha had to mean from when a person got out of bed, because as they explained, “if it meant ‘from when he woke up’ then the first thing he would have to do upon awaking would be to look at his clock and remember the time. But this can’t be, because we all know that the first thing a person must do when he wakes up is say ‘modeh ani’. Therefore it must mean ‘from when he gets

out of bed’.

“In spite of this convincing logic others still held it was better to be machmir and go by from when a person wakes up and not to wait until he gets out of bed. They pointed out that all that was needed to avoid the above-mentioned conflict was to first say modeh ani and then subtract 1 seconds from whenever he first looks at the clock. “But not all clock have second hands on them,” countered the first opinion, “and besides, it is too easy to forget the exact time including the seconds.”

The machmirim had a ready response: “Firstly, someone who cares about the halacha properly can make sure to have a clock with seconds on it, and secondly, he should also have a paper and pen next to his clock so he can mark down the proper time, in order to avoid the chance of forgetting it.”

Seeing that positions had already been staked out in this dispute, the Rosh Yeshiva decided not to voice his own opinion and instead told everyone to go by whatever their rebbe held.

Unfortunately, this had the effect of causing a lot of machlokes in the school as some people didn’t agree with their rabbeim, and resented being forced out of their beds sooner than they preferred. The problems were soon settled when a young illuy came up with an ingenious solution. He pointed out that even though someone had woken up, if they had in mind that they were sleeping it was like they actually were, since ‘machshava k’ma’ase’.

Although his reasoning was roundly rejected by many others, it satisfied those lazier bochurim and they let the matter slide. No one was much surprised at their reaction, as these sorts of students had already demonstrated their laxity of the halacha when it was realized that they were deliberately getting dressed while still sitting in their bed, in order to give themselves more time until the zman of ‘when you get up’ would commence (according to the shita of m’sha’as yitziaso).

For a brief while the yeshiva. had some omplaints from bochurim who wanted to switch rooms because their roommates were not keeping what they felt was the right zman for making their beds. Already very disturbed by the problems that the previous issue had caused and not wanting to cause any more machlokes in the yeshiva, the Rosh Yeshiva wisely dealt with the problem by declaring that if anyone was concerned about another not making the zman, they were allowed to make the other persons bed for them, as long as the first one had da’as that the other would be yotzei for himself. He also said that the person making the bed didn’t have to specific da’as because obviously if he was making it he had da’as to do such a thing. Despite that, it wasn’t uncommon to hear people loudly declaring, “Have in mind to be yotzei so-and-so when making his bed!”

Some months after the initial psak was issued, an enterprising bochur started selling a unique clock that had a special alarm. The alarm would wake you up, and when you pushed the right button it would turn off and ring 9 minutes later to remind you that you had 1 minute left to make your bed.

He actually also made a second one that gave you 14 minutes instead of 9,but no one bought it since they felt it was better not to be meikel.

Another issue that the yeshiva had to resolve was that according to the opinions that one must make their beds from when they first woke up, what was to be done if someone fell asleep again shortly after waking up?

After much learned discussion it was decided that falling back asleep wasn’t a problem, and the zman only started after the real, final waking up. This was derived from the situation of if one woke up in the middle of the night:

Was he then obligated to make his bed shortly after? For a brief time, some people in the yeshiva. began to follow this custom. But when the Rosh Yeshiva ruled that it wasn’t necessary, they understood from that that the zman only began after the last, real waking up.

These events all occurred many, many years ago, and boruch hashem nowadays it isn’t as heated an issue as it once was. Everyone understands and accepts the principles of eilu v’eilu divrei Elokim chaim, minhag avoseinu b’yadeinu, ba’al nefesh yachmir, and shomer p’saim hashem. Each person has a tradition or chumra that he’s entitled to follow. In addition, there have been many wonderful books written on this subject, most recently Artscroll’s splendid translation of Hilchos Ish U’Mitoso, which sheds much light on this subject for the average layman (also available in a laminated, newly type-set, pocket edition that one can keep by their bed!).

However legend has it that if you go to this yeshiva and poke in on some of the rooms,

you’ll still occasionally find a bochur here and there that tries to be extra zahir in this inyan and – even on a cold winter night – will sleep on top of his carefully made blanket so that he never will – chas v’chalila!- find his bed unmade past the proper zman!

To receive a laminated, large print edition of the special tefila to say before making your bed, please send a fax to 1800-BE-ZAHIR with your proper mailing address and we will be glad to send you one free of charge. “

Old Ladies’ Noggins

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I heard that they are building a bungalow colony outside of lakewood, and the women come up for shabbos

I dont mean to be political, but it is kind of funny….please do not make political comments based on these… only jokes here!!

Other weird words in the English language:

Politics- Poly meaning many and Ticks- bloodsucking creatures

If pro is the opposite of con, whats the opposite of progress?

heres one:

an arab terrorist is seen with a belt of explosives around his waist. on his lapel is the lable ” instructor” of a terrorist training camp. his students looking on, the instructor takes the detonater in his hand and says “watch closely, im only doing this once”

There were 9 “yekke”s and one chassidishe mensch sharing a plate of herring. They ate, they talked, and generally had a good time. Suddenly, they all noticed that there was only one piece left. Now, the yekkes wouldn’t dream of taking the last piece, and the chassid felt he would look foolish if he did, so everyone just sat there, eyeing that last piece of herring.

All of a sudden there was a pop, and the electricity blew, leaving the room in darkness. There was a rushing sound, and the chassid screamed.

When the lights came back on, there was the chassid, hand on the plate, nine forks sticking into it…

rotfl

Well done…made me smile!

English Language:

How can you be awfully pretty yet pretty awful?

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me and I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

Oh Come on…

How come “gullible” is not in the dictionary?

The Queen of Persia: Mayan_Dvash….. maybe you should look it up! Just to make sure…..

Was that too deep for you?

Ahhhhh jokes finally one of my favorite subjects.

Here’s something nice that helps me….

Sometimes we wonder, ‘What did I do to deserve this?’ or ‘Why did God have to do this to me?’ Here is a wonderful explanation!

A daughter is telling her mother how everything is going wrong. Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, ‘Absolutely, Mom, I love your cake.’

‘Here, have some cooking oil,’ her Mother offers. ‘Yuck,’ says her daughter.

‘How about a couple raw eggs?’ ‘Gross, Mom!’

‘Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?’

‘Mom, those are all yucky!’

To which the mother replies: ‘Yes, all those things seem bad by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

Squeak: I meant favorite topic to discuss, dont be too literal. So sorry for posting an inspirational story instead of a joke. Geez

SQUEAK- STOP ATTACKING.

My pleasure.