2nd Foster Child is a Choson

Professional – I am more then willing to try to address you questions.

1. Not everyone is fit for fostering. We took some boys into our home almost immediatelly after we got married, but not as foster children. At a later stage we officially filed forms to become foster parents for exceptional chidren, and by hasgacha a social worker from the non-exceptional department saw our form and contacted us. At a later stage we were obligated to take a course which was done specifically for frum families, although some felt a little bit uncomfortable.

Our first child, whom we received at a young age is Chasidish, and we’re Litvish-Yeshivish. Looking back at this point it was far from trivial, especially since he learned in a Cheider, which doesn’t take funding from the Zionist-government, and frowns on speaking Hebrew at home. I speak a little Yiddish I picked up in Yeshiva, and my wife knows a little as well, but none of our children know. When he first came to us, he knew almost no Hebrew, no English, his father’s family is from the US. All of his Hebrew he pretty much picked up was at our home. I still recall a funny moment when he came home one day and said something of this sort, please don’t mind my broken yiddish:

“Der menahel hot gazugt az mir tor nisht redden in di shtib in ivrit, mit di shvesteren oychit”, to which I repled, “zog tzi di menahel az dein shvesteren kein nisht redden in Yiddish”

We had one couple in our Foster family preparation group, who ended up taking our second foster child, which ended up not working out, and therefore came to us. My impression of them were so excited and jubilant, but completely out of touch with reality, which was true about most of the participants, and to be honest, I think the most important factor when raising children who are not your own as your own, is “perserverance”. Since I had experience in Special Ed. this was much simpler for me, but it was still a nisayon.

As far as shiduchim. The first one is engaged to soemone from a very similar background who grew up in a foster home, whom my wife knows from get togethers, but we didn’t make the shiddich. The second has somewhat of a similarity as well, but since he has some Yichus, the situation was a little different. He is also related to my wife.

In general the shiddich process was more difficult, but far from being locked out.

Professional –

Regarding Yichud. The psak we received from Rav Ulman. There is no mitzvas chinuch regarding yichud, therefore, so long as the children are below bar bat miztvah, there is no issue from there side, and as far as our chidren who are below bar-bat mitzvah age.

On a personal level we didn’t have too many problems since we have a large family, and for part of the time my in-laws, mostly my father in law, since my mother in law past away almost immediatelly after we started caring for her were living with us. My father in law passed away two years later, but that’s another story. We also had some other people living with us, who were mostly adults, who needed a family to take care of them as well, again that’s another story, and there were yichud questions as well. Generally speaking I was usually in town, however, the heter of Baalah b’ir is not so clear in this specific case, and my wife was generally at home.

There are lots of practical solutions. Homes with two doors, and a possibility of locking from both sides may help. Living in apartment complexes like in E”Y can also make things easier, if you can make agreements with neighbors. You need to learn the halachas well though. Our living room was visible as well. In Bnei Brak, you pretty much live together with your neighbors. This helped as well according to Rav Ulman.

Regarding foster children with no major issues. If you or anyone else wants to go into the field, you must be prepared for difficult times. One of them was violent at times, and he was also dangerous to himself. In a few years we were in the E”R 5+ times.

Fortunatelly both of them have been very succesful, and got excellent shiduchim, but you never know where things are going to end up.

I used to shutter watching DZ cross the street, and Purim time, wow that was a blast, he blew up a peice of firework in his hand, and almost lost a few fingers. He made a neder never to touch them again, which apparently he kept.