Hi! It was amazing to read your story! I feel your pain and proud that you see things so clearly! I wish I did!! The one piece of advice I can give you, if you can’t go to the BM as much as you like to, maybe find a TorahMate/Partner/Chavrusha by phone or online until (and even after!) you find whats best for you.
I’m proud to be your brother! Keep striving for the top, you will make it!
SiDi™