When you do a “favor” for another person you do so out of your own sense of goodness. When you continue to do so because you want to help that other person, you are making a choice whether you are doing this because this person needs your assistance (chesed) or do you expect something in return.
Depending on the nature of the relationship(meaning if the chesed is done for family memebers and freinds) , it is human nature to need appreciation from those you do chesed to and if someone just constantly turns to you for favors and doesn’t appreciate or acknowledge the favors with a thank you the desire to help peters out for most people.
You have to ask yourself, why am I doing this? Am I doing this l’shem mitzva because I want to do chesed or because I want to change this person and I believe I can help this person change.
Most people who help others do so l’shem mitzva.
When my freinds and I helped our freind we didn’t think she’s going to become frum just because we are babysitting her kid and we enjoyed conversing and eating in resturaunts. We felt we can give her space and enjoyment so that it might be easier for her to sort out her issues.
But in any case, that’s beside the point. The point is we didn’t like being taken advantage of by her not being appreciative like as if we didn’t have our families to take care of or a money tree growing in our backyard.
When someone does a favor for me I say “thank you so much”. When that favor is doen more than once I really make sure they realize my apprecitation. I think that is common decency and if someone doesn’t act with common dedcency then I wouldn’t bother going out of my way for them. I have enough with doing that for my parent whom I feel mechiav to do so.
We need to understand that WE can’t change others nor can we control others. WE can only change ourselves and control our own actions.
That is a very true statement.
The way we deal with others might change the way they react to us. So by doing favors for others, chesed, we feel good about ourselves that we do chesed.
That depends in each situations. Is someone taking advantage of you, are you doing more than ypu can handle, etc.
By helping someone to make them change their way of life, we usually set ourselves up for failure and for hurt.
That’s a true statement only if the person we are “helping” doesn’t want to change. Some teens desperately want to change and they want and need help with that.
When a person works with the at-risk population because they don’t expect anything in return, they love the children and want to do whatever they can to help, they will be successful with some and not with others, but every little step, every little connection or improvement along the way is a tremendous reward.
This is where we totaly disagree. I do not believe that a person who violates halacha can be considered as having been improved and if you connect with such people then whatever. The thing that should be of paramount importance to a frum Jew and what should be considered rewarding is an OTD returning to Yiddishkeit.
One thing I will say. No matter what a person thinks. A mitzva is a mitzva and even though they feel they might have been taken advantage of or they might not have been appreciated, they might not have seen an immediate result. But the kindness and concern shown did not fall on deaf ears or on a cold heart. YOU did have an effect although you don’t think you saw it. What was done for that individual stays with her through her journey and it will be remembered through the roughest and hardest of times. YOU never know when the mitzvah you did, will have the most or biggest effect on her and make the biggest difference in her life.
It is also a mitzva to refrain from being in the company of moshav letzem and people who sin and have no desire to change. In fact it has very negative spiritual effects on those who keep the company of those who openly and repeatedly sin, and it especially has an extremely detrimental effects if the “being mekarav” is being done in front of one’s family. Children who see smoking on Shabbos, etc. all sin being accepted because these “broken neshomos” might return someday can be negatively effected.
…AND yes BTW she turned her life around.
I don’t know what that means.
I was shocked! I was sure she forgot about me. Do you see? YOU have no clue what kind of impact you make on another person. Stop thinking about the fact there was no hakaros hatov and no thank yous. You really don’t need it. There is a long term result from your mitzvah.
If I would work with OTD’s (which I’m not doing for a variety of reason, but for those who do kol hakovod) then you are right. Regardless, you and I have a different opinion of what results are.
Anyway, it’s different when you act as a freind, not like a counseler/therapist. If you do a favor for a freind you need appreciation. Or maybe you don’t and that is a wonderful good middah. But most humans do need appreciation.