When you do a “favor” for another person you do so out of your own sense of goodness. When you continue to do so because you want to help that other person, you are making a choice whether you are doing this because this person needs your assistance (chesed) or do you expect something in return. You have to ask yourself, why am I doing this? Am I doing this l’shem mitzva because I want to do chesed, or because I want to change this person and I believe I can help this person change.
We need to understand that WE can’t change others nor can we control others. WE can only change ourselves and control our own actions. The way we deal with others might change the way they react to us. So by doing favors for others, chesed, we feel good about ourselves that we do chesed. By helping someone to make them change their way of life, we usually set ourselves up for failure and for hurt.
When a person works with the at-risk population because they don’t expect anything in return, they love the children and want to do whatever they can to help, they will be successful with some and not with others, but every little step, every little connection or improvement along the way is a tremendous reward.
One thing I will say. No matter what a person thinks. A mitzva is a mitzva and even though they feel they might have been taken advantage of or they might not have been appreciated, they might not have seen an immediate result. But the kindness and concern shown did not fall on deaf ears or on a cold heart. YOU did have an effect although you don’t think you saw it. What was done for that individual stays with her through her journey and it will be remembered through the roughest and hardest of times. YOU never know when the mitzvah you did, will have the most or biggest effect on her and make the biggest difference in her life.
When I worked in an At-Risk High School in my neighborhood I worked with an out of town young lady and did so much for her, even drove her to and from therapy, picked her up from the airport, bought her drug store supplies, etc. I never heard from her when she went back home, but wasn’t surprised. It was OK, no problem. Years later, maybe 4 or 5, I met someone from her neighborhood and introduced myself. She says you are Mrs. ” “? You worked in “…”? Do you remember…..? She talks about you all the time. She tells everyone everything you did for her, how much she loves you and how she wouldn’t have survived here without you. AND yes BTW she turned her life around.
I was shocked! I was sure she forgot about me. Do you see? YOU have no clue what kind of impact you make on another person. Stop thinking about the fact there was no hakaros hatov and no thank yous. You really don’t need it. There is a long term result from your mitzvah.