I’m going to echo what Utah said. I don’t think this is much of a rap. It’s a cute poem, maybe.
In terms of rhyming, here are some tips (I know you didn’t ask for them).
Don’t use the first word that pops into your head as a rhyme. When you rhyme way & day; son & one; weight & eight, etc. you take away from the one or two good rhymes you had (opinion, minyan).
As a general rule, most one-syllable rhymes should not be used.
There are two types of rhymes which get a lot of points with me. The first is cross-language rhymes. Being that as a Jewish rapper you have Engligh, Hebrew, Yiddish and Arammaic to work with, this shouldn’t be too hard.
The second is when a few short words come together to rhyme with one long word. You could also be a bit more imperfect when using this. A brilliant example of this is:
Snap back to reality / Oh there goes gravity / Oh, there goes Rabbit, he / choked. He’s so mad, but he / won’t give up that…
The rhymes there are reality (1), gravity (1), rabbit he (2), mad but he (3)
In the Jewish world, my opinion is that the greatest rhymers are R’ Shmuel Kunda a”h, and Lipa Schmeltzer (though only his Yiddish material).