fkelly- thanks :-/. Like i said, i relate to a lot of these points. Sorry to make you cry though…
I gotta say aproudbyg, ur doing a lot better in a worse situation and you’re amazing for it! It is a lot harder after high school/sem though, when the structure of being away from home and with girls disappears. So the sooner the better. I wish i could just invite you over, and give you a hug. I hear what you mean about your rebbetzin. Re rav, i do agree with you totally. But i also know not everyone does, and many rabbanim i know are the same. But when i was in contact with 2 of those on different occasions, i saw how different they act to help n direct.
Btw if you want phone numbers for ohel or other help lines, etc, just let us know. I see your slowly cautiously adding details. Ugh the soap one. Hearing that one always shook me up a lot. But was not rare a generation back, so some erased the emotions they had enduring it and falsely remembered it as a valid form of chinuch. Sigh, what a world we live in.
Just my opinion, what you say that your mother would tell you yes she did ____ but it was nothing and noone you would tell would react- she’s not telling you the truth. She’s causing doubt so that you would never go to someone and tell them. Noone would dismiss it as nothing. They’d see it as something to be concerned about, look further into, or more.