One cannot consider what happened a generation ago. There are so many Frum therapists today, and I might add who are extremely necessary, that what applied a generation ago no longer applies. When I counsel a couple, even as a life coach, the first thing I tell them is this: “I am neither on your side nor yours. I am on the side of the marriage, that is the important focus here, the survival and success of the marriage, so lets make that our goal and work in that direction”.
If I see that either one is truly hung up and can’t move forward I will suggest that they seek other forms of therapy because they are not at a stage where “coaching” is enough or will be effective. Only people who truly want to improve and make their marriage work can actually improve in a “coaching” arena because they have individual goals and truly want to work on themselves rather than force change on their partner.
Different therapies work for different people according to their issues and needs. One first needs to recognize that they indeed have issues. Then one needs to recognize that they NEED help. Those are the first two hurdles to getting better. Once they have managed those two huge hurdles they can navigate some true work towards a better life. No one can help anyone that doesn’t want to help themselves. Therapy is not a miracle. It is hard work and one has to be willing to engage and take a good hard look either in the past, the present or towards the future. Sometimes one needs to take a good hard look in the mirror and get to know the person who is staring back at them. These are not easy tasks for many people.
And for some people it is just a matter of needing someone to talk to, relieving themselves of questions and ideas that have plagued them and bothered them but they have no one to discuss these things with. It can be a huge burden on someone’s mind and heart when they just don’t have anyone to talk to.