Hello dh1144,
I am sorry for your anxiety, and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I have a hopefully heartening story to share here, but before I do, I wish you the best of luck deciding what to do and finding the answers you need by searching your heart, asking G-d, and talking with loved ones.
Now for the short story…when I was in law school ten to twelve years ago, my anxiety grew out of control. I was so overwhelmed by the anxiety, like you. I felt like Penn was often competitive in negative ways. I studied like crazy, feeling alone in a school where the lion’s share of students enter very large corporate law firms (I entered law school knowing I would be a child advocate attorney). No matter how hard I strove for academic excellence, I was an A- and B+ student. My best efforts had previously brought me the best possible grades, so I felt as if I was letting myself down. I had always been very private with my academics and felt intensely uncomfortable having fellow students asking me outright how I had done on x, y, or z, hearing ratings discussed ad nauseam around me, etc. The anxiety got to the point where I couldn’t keep my food down and had to go to the emergency room a couple times with what appeared to be seizures (later I came to find out that I was having panic attacks).
The day of my PA bar exam for which I had studied so hard, I woke up with a migraine that had a visual aura so that I didn’t have all my eyesight. I felt crushed — what was I going to do? A lot of money was lost, and more importantly I felt like my hopes and dreams were on the rocks. Even if I kept studying intensely until the next bar exam in six months, would I remember enough to pass? And even if I did, would the same anxiety-induced sickness come over me again at the crucial moment?
As hard as it was, I began a process of trying to take things a day at a time, being “in the moment,” rather than getting carried away by the “what ifs,” as is my propensity. I did the best I could for each day, studying consistently but not as to overwhelm myself when my brain was full. I put down the money for the next bar exam and fought not to think too much about it. When the time came, my mother offered to travel and stay with me for the two days in the hotel, and I will always be thankful for her presence at that time.
And then, that following February…I took the bar exam for the first time, and I passed!
That morning in July of 2002 when I woke up with tunnel vision from that migraine, I did not think that I could possibly do what I accomplished the following February. A day at a time, giving my fears and worries over to G-d, with support from my loved ones, made the difference.
Whatever you decide in your own unique and personal situation, please believe that amazing things truly are possible. I would not wish anxiety or panic attacks on anyone — they are profoundly debilitating, and your health must come first. Even still and despite those times, however, I believe that G-d has wonderful plans for us and will gently help us get there, one day at a time.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers 🙂