Reply To: Rabbonim and Shalom Bayis Problems

Here’s a way to look at the difference between a professionally trained therapist and a Rov approaching the problem of a couple struggling with shalom bayis.

The Rov has training in Right vs. Wrong. The Rov is also trained to some degree in handling a din Torah between two litigants. These two litigants will present their cases, in which the Rov typically paskens in either direction. Again typically, the litigants remain foes or rivals after the psak, which hopefully is followed. The role of the Rov is not to resolve the machlokes, but to choose the halachic direction of right vs. wrong.

The therapist addresses the situation from a different prespective. The marriage is a bond between two people which is now endangered by a spirit of divisiveness that is a barrier between them. There are multiple factors that can be causing this wedge, some internal to the two, others external. The therapist looks to evaluate the wedge and how to remove it. Some marriages have deteriorated so much that repair is impossible. Sometimes, one or both spouses are unwilling to consider reconciliation, or have other plans besides remaining married. Each case in unique, and even those therapists who want to reconcile marriages may be unable to succeed.

If a Rov has some training, is connected to trained professionals, or has a very special gift of ability to adopt the therapist role, he can perform the holy mitzvah of ???? ???? ??? ??? ?????. Otherwise, there is good reason to fear the outcome.