Another few lessons are in order.
For men, looking at inappropriate material is yetzer horah, following the lure of taavah. For the wife of this man, it is infidelity. We can debate the accuracy of her perception, but that’s how it is. Hubby needs help in restructuring his life to become one of kedusha, and wifey needs to recognize that her husband is not perfect. He’s human, not a malach.
Finding the Rov who is expert in these matters is actually a formidable task. Most rabbonim I know (quite a few from many different circles) know close to nothing about this. They can often cite the words of our great baalei mussar, but they have no clue about how to help an individual apply them to his life. Here is where the professionals come in. It is often that a team approach with the Rov and the therapist provides the benefit of both.
I have watched with horror how the average Rov will deal with breaches of “kedusha”. Most will become disciplinary and spout the admonitions to refrain from such illicit behaviors and thoughts. These approaches are totally ineffective, and are exactly what the Mesilas Yeshorim refers to when he notes that ineffective discipline does not fulfill the mitzvah of ???? ????? ?? ?????. If the individual who succumbed to this taavah is a yeshiva bochur who was “caught”, there are substantial chances that he will be expelled from yeshiva, citing the often fictitious excuse that he will destroy the rest of the yeshiva. This approach destroys, without leaving room for building anything. ??? ??? ???? ???? ????. Just a small amount of light will eliminate much darkness. The ????? of indulgence in these problems does not prevent ????? ??????. We are told that Hashem is ????? ??? ???? ???????, that He still dwells among us even in our state of ?????. Someone who can engage the ????? needs to be emraced and helped, not chased away. Our greatest gedolim were far more worried about a ??? ???? than the ??? ????. The latter does not prevent the presence of the ?????, the former does.
Men use imagery all the time, and struggle with it all the time. That is the nisayon granted to every Jewish male. Instead of using ineffective punishment and discipline, let’s work at making one’s life imbued with kedusha, such that there is no room available for the negative stuff. Picking up a mussar sefer is great, but only in a manner that the individual relates to it personally, not the academics.
It is important to note that men who look where they should not are not indicating that their marriages are lacking in intimacy or emotional closeness. They are just, er, men. The wives cannot “repair” this problem by being more attentive, etc. It is not their issue, nor is it an issue that reflects a deficiency on the part of the wives. The shalom bayis matter is a product of the problem, not a cause. This is one area where the average Rov will likely misjudge the situation, and address it from a wrong angle. Yes, each situation is different. But the general direction is easily bungled. Keep the professionals in the picture – they have much to contribute.