Yitta Halberstam Mandelbaum (?) used to write an excellent column for the Jewish Press for many years. I think she also is connected with the Small Miracles series, if memory serves.
You may think she was an idiot, but I believe (and my kids and I have argued this ad nauseum), that what she wrote was correct, if extremely bold, and an extremely sad commentary on our present Shidduch world. She was misunderstood, in my opinion. I read the exact same article that everyone else did. This is what I got from it:
She went to a singles event that was specifically designed to introduce young single women to potential future mothers-in-law (why the boys were not likewise subjected to this ill-advised sexist meeting, I do not know). So all the girls there were there to be paraded before and IMPRESS the women who would be making the decision over whether or not a given girl was “good enough” for her precious boychik. Mrs. Mandelbaum who was invited to be one of the mothers, expressed her deep dismay at seeing how so many girls did NOTHING to enhance their appearance (and clearly she felt they were in need of it). They had little or no makeup, did nothing with their hair, wore clothing that wasn’t appealing… the very essence of what NOT to do when trying to appeal to a future mother-in-law, especially in this day and age when such ladies are looking at scores of photographs from shadchanim and rejecting possibly the sweetest girls in the world, simply based on their appearance.
Mrs. Mandelbaum did not say she thought this was fair, or good, or right. She was simply making a VERY realistic observation about the situation and tried to offer a likewise realistic suggestion on what needs to be done about it. Everyone who came down hard on her was basically shooting the messenger. She never said she agreed that people should be preoccupied with looks instead of inner beauty. She was merely stating the obvious. It is a very competitive shidduch world, and every girl needs to give herself a competitive edge. The part that got most people who were upset so upset, was in saying that they should go so far as to have plastic surgery, if necessary (as she admittedly did, with great success).
In her opinion, if the ONLY thing holding a girl back from looking and feeling more attractive (and therefore acting more confidently)and getting her more dates, is a correctible facial flaw (that makes her less attractive to the people who are making decisions about whether or not she will be redt to their son), when she has the ability to fix that flaw, whether with cosmetics or in more serious cases, plastic surgery, she should not be afraid to take the steps to change the situation. Many people took umbrage with that, but they fail to acknowledge to themselves that this is the way things are now, like it or not. We don’t have to like it, but we need to cash a reality check and stop hiding our heads in the sand when we have brought this on ourselves.
I ALSO believe in inner beauty, but the sad fact is that who is going to bother to get to know that girl’s inner beauty if they won’t give her a chance, because she doesn’t take pains to groom her outer beauty? All girls do not need to look like models, but a little lipstick and mascara, as well as a flattering hairstyle can make a huge difference. And if a girl has bad teeth and a huge nose, orthodonture and POSSIBLY some rhinoplasty might be in order. It makes no difference at this point in time whether it is right or wrong. She can stand on her principles and be “right,” or she can level the playing field and make herself more dateable and appealing.
I think the negative reactions to this article were more of a testament to the fact that we HATE that the shidduch process has come to this state (that plastic surgery should even be a consideration for anyone). It should not be that Bnos Yisroel need to enhance themselves in order to find a husband. But in spite of the expression that all Bnos Yisroel are beautiful, the fact is that is simply not true. Many girls benefit from a little help on the outside, so that others take the time to get to know their beautiful middos. It is naive to think otherwise, distasteful as that thought might be.
We no longer live in an era when Yeshivah bochurim will marry anyone their parents arrange for them, regardless of looks. They (and their mamas) in unprecedented numbers want size twos who dress in a shtotty manner, come from money, and will be trophies for them. Yes, there are always exceptions B”H, but I also know for a fact from personal experience in trying to redt a shidduch or so, just how many mothers of boys (who are not such groysah metzias in the looks department, themselves) reject perfectly wonderful girls without ever telling their sons about the shidduch, because the girl is too plain, too short, too fat (a size eight, nebbich!), or too whatever they are shallow enough to not like. This is the system in place today, we did this to ourselves and to our children, and now we are paying the price for allowing such nonsense to proliferate in the frum velt. That does not mean that Mrs. Mandelbaum was wrong. She was merely an observer of this human condition, and offering a realistic response to the immediate problem at hand. She should not be castigated for her observations. They were very SADLY right on target.