Reply To: HaKaras HaTov -Vital for Good Marriage?

Yiddishe Kup:

Your intuition is right on target – I must be made to understand the “basis” for my ill-fated “decision” back then, so that I won’t repeat it every again. While I could list probably 10 serious fundamental mistakes I made in deciding to marry my ex-wife, the first and foremost is that I decided to stay engaged to her after she did not thank me for the diamond ring. If I could have a time machine and go back in time, the first thing i would have done (after I did not received a thank you), was to jump on a phone and call my Rebbi Shlita and ask him if this omission on her part is fundamental Pegam (i.e. Kafoi Tov) and if, therefore, I should end the Shidduch on the spot. I finally did get enough guts to say to her: I am afraid you did not like the ring since you never said anything about it”, ber resposne was so “far afield” and did not adddress the fudamental Pegam of appearing like a Kafoi Tov. I think her answer showed even more so how she not into thanking and I should have again called my Rebbi on the spot.

What to learn from this, for Shidduch seekers? Identify must-have Middos (for the health of your marriage and Mikdash Me’at you wish to build with this person) and stragegize how to put an opportunity into the dating schedule for her to activate the good Middah you are looking for, as the previous responder posted (By the way – all of you responders were great. A major Yashefr Koach for your thoughts, ideas and strong words of encouragement).

By the way, there was an entire tumult in the CR a few month ago about the gentleman holding the door for the lady. I feel that a true Gomel Chesed woman would naturally not wish to have the door held all the time for herself and would therefore likely would hold the door at least once and say something like: “my turn to hold the door for you”. We are looking for more of a Nosein (givver) than a Mekabel (receiver). Of course , it is our duty (for men) to be at least as diligent in doing Chesed for her and she should expect this of you as well. My father A”H used to run to hold the door for whoever was coming into the building coutrtyard to let them in (or out) even though B”H he had Aishes Chayil waiting for at home; this just means that he wanted his identity to be one of a Nosein. We should seek to find a true Nosein and be one ourselves as well.