“Gone will be my show, impressing everyone…”
if you are serious about this it means that nothing you have been doing is for real , its all a show. what about mitsvot, like chessed and davening. what about learning and growing as a person. what about taking pride in a job well done -whatever it is you are doing. what about looking nice because it makes you feel good about yourself (and is a lot easier on everyone else’s eyes also). i suggest you try and find out what really is important to you as a person- not for show- before you get married or else you might end up with the wrong person. if its all for show then it truly is an empty exercise.
I know a kallah who after she got engaged sent all kinds of baked goods to her chosson every shabbos. not for show. for real. because she wanted to show him how special she thought he was. “she said “he deserves it.” not everything is for show or should be for show. some people really enjoy, learning, working helping etc.
hopefully when you get married , the two of you become a family. your own family. and if you are lucky then Hashem will also bless you with children. life is what happens day after day. but marriage, being connected to another person who “knows all about you and still likes you” that’s the real deal. it sounds like you are not ready for marriage because you think its about getting a good shidduch. obviously the next question is then what. marriage is about giving. and giving and giving. and sharing. and not answering back your mother-in-law even though she’s soooo annoying!!!! becuz its not your husband’s fault that his mother is that way. marriage is about thinking about something other than what you can get , and what you want. and marriage with all its hard work should be fun. Marry someone you can feel proud of but comfortable with. marry someone that makes you laugh, makes you smile and makes you feel comfortable ,not tense when you are together. then you will know that you came home. the reason it says ” l’torah ‘l’huppa u’l’maasim tovim ,is that the maasim tovim are what you do when you take care of and give to your spouse. marriage can be sublime.
good luck