Why did I go off the derech?
Hmm, spent 12 years in a prestigious yeshivah in flatbush. Spent those same 12 years getting yelled at, berated, humiliated and critized for the size of my yarmulka, the length of my “chup” and the fact that I was “spotted” by a spy going into a pizza shop on friday (gasp) – There is only so much parents can infuse into a child, when 90% of their waking day is spent at school. During those 12 years, I was given 0 (thats ZERO) reason to love Hashem or the Torah, but given 1,000,000 reasons why I was going to gihenim for all my mortal sins, such as eating cholov stom.
Oh, and I know this sounds silly, but in 8th grade, my rebbe started talking to us about the power of saying “amen”, for weeks, he facinated us with stories about how a single person saying amen could change the world, bring moshiach, etc. We really believed it. Then, he announced that we were going to the siyum hashas in madison square garden, and that there would be 40,000 people saying amen at the same time! We were ecastatic, surely moshiach would have to come, if one person saying amen could do that, imagine 40,000. I woke up at 4 AM that morning, I was so excited. When it came time for mincha at MSG I answered “Amen yehay shmay Raba” with the most energy and kavanah I ever had, along with 40,000 other people. Then I waited, and watched, and nothing happened, and I was let down more than you can imagine.
Yes, thats just one story, but as a young impressionable child, you can understand how that disappointment stuck with me.
But more so, why did I go off the derech? Because I was sick and tired of being called a shaygetz for using a bobby pin to keep my yarmulkah on my head.