Reply To: How do you know when its time?

Aries – No, you did not scare me away. In fact, I sincerely appreciate the time you, and many others, have put into formulating your responses. I simply realize that the situation is too complicated to be summed up in a few paragraphs and to receive appropriate advice I would have to provide much more information, which would not only reveal too much identifying info about me but also stretch the attention spans of even the most patient members of the CR. I would like to respond to a few comments though:

1 – if money was not an issue, there would still be a problem. It is more a matter of priorities in life and lifestyle choices to which money problems add an ever-present agitator

2 – I make more money now than I ever did working for someone else so this is not a matter of me playing entrepreneur to “see what happens at the expense of my family”. The problem is that we have to pay for our own health insurance in addition to rent, childcare/yeshiva, student loans, credit card bills etc.. I know that everyone these days has those but for me, those bills alone represent about $6000/month. That is before things like heat, electricity, groceries, car expenses… Again, I know that everyone has those problems. MY problem is that she has a degree that will pay her over $60/hr if she was willing to work. If she contributed just 25% of our income we would have more than enough to cover.

3 – I know that working in certain settings has higher stress levels than others. That said, I come from a school of thought that when you are struggling financially you cannot afford to be picky and you do what you have to do. How can she complain that we do not go away on vacations “like other people” but then she won’t take a job that, while stressful, would enable us to put money away to do just that? I simply can’t understand it.

4 – I work from home. That allows me great flexibility with my schedule. I DO help out at home. I take care of everything from finances and upkeep of the house to making dinner and taking care of the kids. In fact, the only thing that I do not help with is laundry. We also have a cleaning lady because my wife is not interested in cleaning. The point here is that I do many things already. I feel like all of the major responsibilities of our household rest on my shoulders and I get very little help from my “ezer”. To say that I should take on a few more things to pick up the slack is to say that I should absolve her of ALL responsibility in the house. If that is the case, in what way will she be a wife?

Aries – you asked “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?” Obviously, I would rather be happy but at what cost? I just can’t look the other way ALL THE TIME. These things do bother me and they don’t go away. Ignoring them only allows them to build up until they explode.

Haleivi – the metaphor about the sink is flawed because you would not just leave the leaky sink and say “well, that’s just the way it is”. You would try to fix it and if it couldn’t be fixed you would replace it rather than listen to the constant drip, drip, drip all day, every day. Wouldn’t you?

Look, I am not saying that she is a bad person. She is a product of her upbringing (with a single mom who tried to compensate by letting her have whatever she wants when she wants it). I do not blame her for that, even if it frustrates me. She is a good mother and cares about the kids. I just don’t know if the two of us are ever going to be on the same page. No, I haven’t made up my mind. That is why I am trying to put this into words and seek advice. However, I do question if we, both being good people who may have a happy future with someone else, would be better off going our separate ways now instead of “sticking it out” until we really can’t stand each other. We are both pretty young (early 30’s), at this point we may both be able to find happiness with someone else. If we carry on like this for another 5, 10 years we will have a significantly lower chance of that.

Finally, thank you FLOWERS for your opinion. Obviously I am a narcissist because I am asking other people for help with MY problem. How silly of me to be concerned with my life.