AYC – I usually am careful to speak to my listener but since I dont know you this may be all wrong. If so, PLEASE forgive me. I just wanted to give you the answer I always give myself in these situations. In regard to what you said about not being able to find the simchas Hachayim and that was her essence – Every time I find myself on the threshold of a mitzvah or needing to be b’simcha (Yom tovim especially) I feel sucked in by the sadness of loss or hurt. And when the opportunity is over I can almost hear the yetzer hora say “mission accomplished” and I feel even worse. Tell yourself that you are going to let bits of her neshama live through you by smiling or thinking of a happy thought today, even momentarily, and know you are doing it special for her. She can get the zchus of your mitzva (simcha)and you will feel her living with you. It sometimes makes me feel closer. Bittersweet happy, but still better than the deep emptiness. And since I have been wallowing in sadness this whole week (so far), I guess I am really talking to myself.
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