MichaelC, It sounds like to me like you arelooking for a halachic basis to your refusal to do what your mother said, to justify not obeying the mitzvah of kibud em, which is permissible if she tells you to do something against halacha. While I respect that, I wonder if you would want to marry a girl who “does hair nice” without knowing anything more about her. That is a lifetime decision and should have something solid on which to base it as being right. Knowing that your mother has, as you said, “an agenda”, I would try to think of a way to seriously discuss with her how you feel about shidduchim, getting married, what you are looking for in a wife and how you want to go about finding one. Maybe soften up the conversation with a box of chocolates or bouquet of flowers, or something that you know will reach her heart, like take her to a special restaurant for a meal (obviously within your budget). If she loves you, then hopefully she will respect what you want and need in this manner.
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