happiest:
“I just can’t bring myself to do it for some reason. It’s a big deal for me if I say modeh ani in the morning because I don’t feel happy to be alive in the morning… am I making any sense?”
Of course it makes sense. Hashem runs the world, so if you don’t currently see how everything happening to you is for the good, it adds up that you would not want to thank Hashem.
However, I think two very good suggestions have been said so far:
1) Focus on what Hashem is giving you, and all that Hashem is making go right in your life. Think about the people that cannot see, and think – thank you Hashem for letting me see! Realize how desperately some people would love be able to walk, and think – thank you Hashem for letting me walk! The list goes on and on – thank Hashem for your body, for your economic situation, for mental health, for your friends, etc etc. I fyou set aside a certain time every day to think for 30-60 seconds about one thing Hashem is giving to you, it may go a long way to changing your mindset.
Also, another great suggestion is to “pour out your heart” to Hashem every day. This can make your connection with Hashem alot more real.
minyan gal:
“at my shul during the silent Amidah, they say “use the Hebrew, the English, or words of your own choosing”. One of my friends said that many times she just talks to Hashem about problems that she is having and afterward she feels much better. I haven’t needed to do that as yet, but certainly would.”
I’m sorry, but that is not the way to do things. Davening must retain the form it was set up in by the anshei knesses hagidola. Talking to Hashem is beautiful and to be commended, but must be done together with Davening, not take the place of Davening.