a_r_w_s:
I am only judging from what you’ve said here, but I feel pretty confident saying that the line “this is how we do it”, is not as opposed to “how you do it”. “Its just a way of saying, this is how our community does it and you as a part of our community should to”. You are included in the “we”. My father says it like this, my Rebbeim say it like this. Even my friends say “this is how we do it”.
Maybe there is an inflection in her voice that suggests to you that she is differentiating between you and her. But the sentence on its own is innocuous.
You say that you are well integrated into your community. But think about it. How often do you think one mother asks another mother “Why do we do x,y and z”? Especially in tight Chassidishe communities, questioning minhagim is not done. And the correct answer is “because this is the way we do it.” This is how the parents taught the children to do x,y and z. When you ask these type of questions you demonstrate that you are “different”, which is the opposite of integration. However, your questions still need to be answered with more depth and it might be best if you expressed them to your husband alone, so that outsiders (ie. those not in your immediate family) should only see your conformity.
Lastly, be aware that every BT has to give up many things in order to progress in Yiddishkeit- and geirim even more. This is part of leaving an unholy lifestyle to a purely holy one. There are reasons why the Chareidi lifestyle does not include hugging trees (even in private). There are reasons why we do not go to art galleries. It is all in pursuit of more loftier goals.
That being said, if you are not getting enough sipuk hachaim at home, ask your husband if you can take your family out on picnics or if you might be able to look into Jewish art by frum artists. Or other things that may give you in a kosher, accepted way, what you seem to feel is lacking in your life today.
Also know, change is a part of growing up as much as it is a part of becoming frum. It is detrimental to see your past as full of things you gave up- especially if in reality they simply no longer interest you as a frum adult. By now, your she’ifos are different, your hashkafa is different. And in all likelihood, the things that gave you simchas hachaim and sipuk are very different as well.
See how you’ve grown, not what you are “missing”.