oomis, you hit the nail on the head. I once asked one of the Roshei Yeshiva where I was about this. I asked him, “People tell me that I should try to emulate such-and-such guys. They’re considered the best guys in the yeshiva. Yet they do nothing but make me miserable. They are constantly chewing me out on things they think I’m doing wrong. They are not nice people. Yes, they can learn well, but they are just not nice to me and many others! I was always told derech eretz kodma l’Torah. They obviously never heard that.”
The Rosh Yeshiva told me to try and separate the two parts, and learn from them about learning. I told him some of my experiences in the past, and told him that I couldn’t separate them. In my mind, someone who sits and learns is not a nice person, and I didn’t want to be like that. He didn’t have an answer for me.
At that point, I knew that I never wanted to sit and learn full time. I spoke to one of my Rabbeim, and he advised me to finish the zman, and then enroll in a yeshiva half the day and go to college. I found a yeshiva, and enrolled in Touro. I then told the Rosh Yeshiva I was leaving after the zman. He told me that I was throwing my life away, and I could never be a good, frum Jew if I went to college. He said I needed to stay in yeshiva, and eventually become a kollel guy. I wasn’t interested.
For the rest of the zman, I was bothered by what the Rosh Yeshiva said. I decided that if I couldn’t be a good Jew when I went to Touro, why bother trying? If I was doomed to failure, what was the point? I gave up on everything Jewish. Yet, I didn’t do drugs, and I found a job part-time so that I was doing something productive. I wasn’t stupid, I just had issues with religion. Oddly, my relationship with my parents was way better than it was when I’d been in yeshiva.
Eventually, I became frum again, but not the kind my family wanted. My brothers are in kollels, my sisters want to marry kollel guys. I wear a kippah srugah, have a TV in my house, etc. But you know what? I think I’m a good Jew the way I am. Maybe some of my family members don’t think so, but I don’t really care. I do the best I can, even though it’s still difficult. After a few years of sleeping until 8:30 every morning, do you think it’s easy to get up at 5:30 to make sure I put on my tallis and tefillin? My family doesn’t understand it.
That’s another issue I have with all the organizations for OTD people. They spend hours trying to find causes, and blame TV, the internet, movies, and many other things. But they don’t understand. They never went through it, so how could they possibly know what is going through the head of a teenager going through a rough time?
The best people to do kiruv are those who are baalei teshuva themselves, as they can relate.