It is really up to the “man” in the middle to make sure there is peace and harmony in the relationship. He shouldn’t be caught up in the middle, however from the very beginning he should make sure that his mother knows how much his wife means to him and he will not tolerate any discord between them and the same goes for the wife. If he makes that clear from the beginning they should both be on their best behavior because he is not going to take sides. However, his obligation is to side with his wife.
That is his obligation, on the other hand IMHO, it is the MIL’s obligation to set the tone and make the DIL feel safe and secure in the relationship. That was not the case with my MIL and I cried each and every time I came home from a visit. Unfortunately she was very ill, which I did not know from the start and she died very early in my marriage. We did not have an opportunity to build our relationship. As bad as it was, I would have given anything to have her around.
So when it came to MY turn as a MIL, I made a decision to LOVE the spoused my children chose to LOVE and to respect them because they were now part of my family. I have very strong relationships with all of them. I am very careful NOT to step on their toes, to honor and respect them, and to treat their children according to their rules. I always ask “does mommy let, or go ask mommy”. I don’t do things behind mommy’s back. If the grandkids act out, I advise them to apologize to mommy. But my DIL’s caught on very quickly and ask “Did Bobby tell you to apologize?”. That is also part of chinuch.
As far as MIL with too much of an opinion. Try saying “Thank you, I will think about that” without really making a commitment, and then maybe try to give it some thought. She might not be wrong. Or “I might just try that some time” that will satisfy her and she will feel needed and respected and you will not have committed to anything. By doing that you still maintain control while giving her a sense of being helpful and useful.
When I try to impart words of wisdom, i try to be tactful and say “If you would like some help with that, or if you were to ask, I would advise that you….Its just an option you might want to try, no pressure its just a suggestion, it worked for me. Or I might say, “would you like me to show you what worked for your husband?” We have already established a good relationship so there is no sense of my taking control, and they do appreciate the help. In addition, I am not offering in a threatening way. And I don’t get insulted when they don’t apply my methods. But because I don’t push it, they have used many of my methods, along with methods their own mothers showed them. Their philosophy is do what works.
One of my DIL’s decided not to nurse her second. In addition the infant to long sleep stretches by day. I wasn’t thrilled with the schedule they worked out but my DIL had a “C” section, it was her second and I kept my mouth shut. I already imparted my words of wisdom the first time around. After one week, my son burst into my home one night at 11 pm carrying the baby who was crying. I asked where his wife was. He said at home, make her stop crying. She screams every night at this time and we can’t get her to stop crying, what is wrong with her. I told him to hold the baby for a minute and went into the kitchen to make her a bottle.
I took the baby and soothed her and gave her a bottle. I told him the baby was starving because she missed ONE whole feeding every day. Since she took such long naps during the day it knocked out one whole feeding from the schedule and by night time her tiny belly was complaining. He asked me why I didn’t tell her. I said I wasn’t going to mix in, she worked this out with her mom, and she had to figure out the baby’s schedule on her own. The very next day my DIL did not let her sleep more than 3 hours at a stretch during the day and things got better.