cleverjewishpun,
A few random thoughts, some may be critical:
I agree with others that your religiosity is about your connection with Hashem. But if rude comments about you hurt you relationship with Hashem, then maybe your relationship was based on peer pressure or should I say the rewards of a being called a “good kid”. No where in your original post, when talking about your religious life, do you talk about your relationship with Hashem.
You wrote “All I see is discord and hate and bigotry and mistrust of someone who has the slightest difference in either a hashkafa or a mode of dress” Again you are letting others define your relationship with G()D.
You wrote “I tried to be as closeted as possible as my father is a well respected memeber of the community and his business is tied closely to that.” Public image again. Not that I’m suggesting to hurt your father’s interests, but look at your perspective that keeps coming up.
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You mentioned that you and your wife split because of financial problems which caused other problems. It seems that you are working now (as you mentioned working late on Fridays). Does your job pay well now? Could there be a chance of getting back together? Don’t you think that she also had immeasurable pain when you two divorced? I know what I’m suggesting is unusual, but it may be worth a try.
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It sounds like you live in/near the community that you grew up in (you said that you don’t want to shame your father). Maybe you should find a different community to develop yourself. Lech Lecha – go for yourself and your own growth.
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I’d like to mention that I am impressed that you “still attend shuirim, still put on tephilin every day. [You] still managed to take off for the yamin noramim and other yamim tovinm.” But please don’t care about my being impressed.
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My suggestion is that you should pray a lot, but in your own words, your own feelings. Hisbodidus. Create and grow your own relationship with Hashem.