Guy and girl are dating. Guy says to girl – you know, my dream in life is to learn for at least 5 years after we are married – how do you feel about that? Girl says – there is nothing I would like better, I’ll work, I’ll live simply, I’ll eat bread and water, I’ll never buy new clothing, It would be my greatest zechus to support your Torah. So they get married. And he learns for a year. And suddenly girl finds out that she does not like working, she would rather stay home with her baby. And she does not like being poor. And bread and water don’t taste good. And she really would like a new sheitel. So she asks her husband to go out to work. And maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t. But my question here is – WHO IS THE VICTIM?
It doesn’t matter.
The bottom line is that the wife is not happy. Yes, she may well have agreed to five years, but now, after one year, for whatever reason she is not happy.
I suppose you might be in your rights to tell her to “suck it up” as she agreed to this. But, in reality, all that’s likely to do is lead to four years of marital hell for this couple as the wife’s resentment continues to build for the next four years. You might even be right in arguing that she has no such grounds for resentment, as she agreed to it — but you can’t legislate emotions and feelings. In all likelihood, if she’s really unhappy now after one year, she’s likely to grow more and more miserable as the next four years wear on.
It’s nice to look back and say “this is what we agreed on…” but the current reality is that things have changed and the husband and wife have to deal with each other based on the current reality.
This couple needs to find a rav (and, possibly, a marital therapist) to determine where to go from here. Holding her to the letter of her agreement may well spell the end of the marriage before the five years are up.
The Wolf