Reply To: Time For Truth: Why Won't You Date A Ba'alas Teshuva?

cv: Unfortunately, I know what you are talking about. Since no one knows my background, I often hear jokes and offensive comments about ba’alei teshuva from some of the “greatest” people. It is clear to me that ba’alei teshuva are looked down upon and regarded as second-class citizens by many, including people who claim to do kiruv and have many not frum people around their Shabbos table.

oomis1105: I feel that this could also be checked out beforehand if it is a concern — if a boy marries a ba’alas teshuva usually the problem is the opposite: she knows more halacha than he does! The girls in these ba’alei teshuva seminaries learn halacha for hours each day. Shadchanim always ask if we can marry Kohanim and most of us can prove we are Jewish. I see how this could be an issue with people who don’t know halacha, but ba’alei teshuva are people who ARE already frum, not people who are just starting out. For those of us who were not promiscuous, we can take a test. However, I think even FFBs need tests because those who did go off a little at some point probably were not as well informed about protection. I unfortunately know many FFBs who were/are promiscuous, were molested, had abortions, etc. I thank you for your advice and your bracha however the boys who attend the organizations you mentioned are not boys who share my hashkafa. We definitely would not understand each others’ mindset.

its_me: I understand that it could be difficult for two people from very different cultures to get married. However, I don’t have any cultural differences from other frum people in my circles. I don’t think anyone was really frum from birth, I think every FFB had to chose at some point. Also I don’t think BT is a proper label since I was tinok shenishba.

shlomozalman: That’s what I’m sensing… the reasons given could be valid in certain circumstances but if someone would do proper checking as they would with any shidduch then it would leave him with a pool of very normal and stable candidates.

so right: sounds like a scam.

apushatayid: Many of us have very healthy relationships with our families and also have lots of frum family (cousins, aunts, etc.) which would be revealed with proper checking…

mdd: Proper checking solves all of this!

Moq: I think I am TPFB.

Ben Torah/HadaLXTP: I think everyone should want to be a real BT and I hate that the term is now reserved for people who became frum. Also I hate when people ask because it is a very personal question! Even if someone would ask me if my family is frum or not or whatever, why is it anyone’s business unless they are redting me a shidduch?

tzippi: I specifically don’t want someone who went off. Any thinking person will suffice. Does someone need to go off to be sincere when he is on? What is your kid’s concern about someone who had “experience”? And what do you mean by experimenting that could come back to bite? I have friends that all of this may apply to but I was a very modest girl even before I was frum… My IRL mentoring comes from my frum family, my not frum family, my friends, family friends, Rabbis/Rebbetzins, my Rav, etc. No offense taken… thank you 🙂

gavra_at_work: I think your question illustrates that my title is perfect as is. Why WOULDN’T you date me? Your premise is that automatically a BT is a lesser option than the other desperate girls and that there needs to be a reason given for why a person SHOULD date me. I think I’m a great choice and I’m not desperate (yet, B”H), and I am trying to figure out what it is that all these desperate girls you speak of have that I don’t have. What wouldn’t I give to my husband and my children? Why do you deem me less capable? I’m trying to understand why people like you don’t look at me and think positively instead of negatively. A 24 year old yeshiva bochur in my mind should recognize that someone like me has everything he could want in a wife since she has chosen to dedicate her life to doing ratzon Hashem with great sincerity, has been tried and tested after overcoming many obstacles to be where she is today, and has been working on herself in every way and will continue to do so IY”H.