Actually there are 2 concepts of so-called bashert in marriage. There’s the normal concept of bashert as meaning destined for you only. As the Gemora says, 40 days before yetziras havlad, they call out in Heaven, bas ploni l’ploni. The second concept is that of merit, who the two of you deserve. The Gemora says on this that it means for a 2nd zivug. That said, sometimes a 1st shidduch can happen, because that’s what Hashem wants or because one of the pair poshut prayed hard enough, that isn’t bashert as being destined but rather according to the spiritual status of the two individuals. And sometimes its the 2nd zivug that is the bashert one. We don’t know. All we can do is be maaminim bnei maaminim and have faith that Hashem will send the right zivug to each of us. In any case, as has been said here, each individual should always try the utmost to be reasonable and kind to their spouse. That will generally work out quite favorably. The main thing is not so much is it bashert but rather is it working as a yiddish family should be working.
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