eclipse, one does not forgive an abuser for the sake of the abuser. One forgives an abuser because forgiving frees the victim of reliving the abuse and the pain over and over again. It allows the victim to let go of the anger and the pain and break free of the prison they are trapped in. One does not forget when they choose to forgive, they just choose to not invest any more energy into hating and thinking about that horrific excuse for a human being that hurt them and release themselves from the bond that connects them to each other and the pain and the memories. It is not an easy choice and it takes time to get to that point.
While the abuser continues on with his/her life without a care in the world or one ounce of guilt or regret for what they have done, not giving a thought to their actions or the pain and destruction they caused another human being, or maybe even many other human beings, the victims are almost stuck in time in many cases like a broken clock where the hands are frozen; living and reliving the pain and experience of the abuse, and enveloped in their hatred and disgust of the abuser. The effort and energy all that hatred uses is draining and grueling. Once a person chooses to forgive and move on, it is like breaking the chains that bind you to that person. So in essence you are saying “I forgive that person because s/he is in the hands of the devil and is doing his dirty work. He does not know better and cannot control himself. I will never forget what s/he did to me, but I will not waste one more minute of MY precious life on him/her. They are not worth even a mashehu of a thought. I know I will never forget and the scars will last forever but I will no longer be a prisoner of the pain they caused me, so I will forgive them and not allow them to hurt me any longer.
WE forgive for OUR own benefit, not for the benefit of the other party. Once we free ourselves through forgiveness, we don’t necessarily have to have anything to do with the other party. We just don’t internalize about them any more, we don’t waste our energies, our thoughts and our time relating to them in any way any more. We clear our minds to think and dream of other things. We are then free to live, breathe and dream pleasant thoughts and dreams. We can pass this person in the street and choose to completely ignore them as if they were never born, or instinctively punch them in the face and then continue walking. Whatever our choice they probably would not recognize us because they forgot about us, moved on to the next victim, and blocked us out of their minds and hearts. If it is someone close to us then for sure they blocked the incident or incidents out of their minds and hearts and would not acknowledge the hurt they caused or that they should apologize or feel some kind of charatah.
Evil and abusive people have no hasagah what-so-ever that they have accountability or responsibility for their actions. I hope the moderators don’t edit this out because it is very important. After 20 years, my friend’s abuser who is a very chashuv Rav and is now in his 70’s finally came over to his home with his sons to admit his guilt, because he is afraid that my friend will expose him in the press. He did this as a means to ward off the exposure. However, he refused to admit publicly (in the yeshiva) that he molested him and others and resign from the Yeshiva community and the many Vaads he belongs to. My friend was smart enough to tape him.
I asked my friend if he was satisfied with the acknowledgement and if it was enough for him to begin healing. He said it was not sufficient because it won’t help all the other bochurim which could even be hundredds whose lives he ruined. They need the validation as well. B”H, he understood what he needed to do to get on with his life, but he was concerned about those who didn’t. He complained as a teen in Yeshiva as did a friend of his. His friend got kicked out of yeshiva, he did not. He worries about what happened to that friend who went OTD because of this molester.