@ oomios:
I was always told by my parents and teachers alike to call the friend/person I’m using as reference first to ask them if they’re ok with being a reference for me. This should be able to prevent mistakes like you mentioned, with people saying ill things about you..for if they have negative feelings toward you chances are they won’t agree to be a reference (they’ll get out of it in some polite way like “i don’t feel comfortable, always blank on the phone..wtvr).
Also, on a side note, a friend of mine once told me that whenever she agrees to be a reference for someone, she takes 5-10 minutes and writes down the things she admires in the person she is being a reference for, as well as nice anecdotes and basic information on the girl.She then has this paper in front of her whenever taking a shidduch call…this helps in giving over straight clear information.
Good luck to everyone in the “parsha!!”