Of course the main event should not be ignored and of course Jewish photographers, musicians, caterers and florists deserve to make a parnasah as well. But there is such a thing as good taste and there is such a thing as “in your face”, over the top lavishness which in many cases is just plain uncalled for and frivolous. When it borders on the ridiculous, someone should reign them in and not encourage them. Who should that be? Well lets just say there are people who should simply decline the invitation to an event such as a bar mitzvah that is taken out of town, no really out of town where guests need to be flown to their destination, or the event takes place on a yacht.
These people would include the Rebbe and Rosh Yeshiva of the Bar Mitzva Bochur. The Rov of the parents Kehilah. The best friends of the parents making the simcha. The parents of the hosts and siblings, etc. The reason why they don’t is because they want to be treated to a vacation and they want to be included on the “in” list. The Rosh Yeshiva would never insult the Baal Simcha because he too does not wish to cause waves and lose funds for his yeshiva or favors for that matter.
When parents plan an over the top wedding, their Rov, the Chasson’s Rosh Yeshiva and other Rebbeim who are invited to the chassanah or expect to be invited to the chassanah should tell the parents at the time of the engagement that they wish the couple a sincere mazal tov but they have taken upon themselves that they do not attend weddings where the per person dollar amount spent is over $X. And the florist fees for x amount of people is over $…., or there are more than “x” members to the band. Of course they have to take into consideration what the going rates are in the various simcha halls in their communities and what a very nice wedding costs, so that they know how to cap it.
The family will then have to choose whether the guests are more important or impressing the guests are more important. The reason that the takonos don’t work is because people will say “I just don’t follow the takonos, or who are THEY to tell me what to do”. AND the guest show up anyway. One can’t say that you can’t spend money on a wedding because you should give it to tzedaka. That is not your business because you have no idea how much tzedaka the baal simcha actually does give and that has been the problem all along. Many of the baalei simchas who throw these lavish events, sponsor other simchas for the less fortunate.
However, when guests sit at a simcha and discuss the cost rather than the beautiful couple, and how much nachas and bracha you wish them, then there is a big problem. When the simcha becomes a circus and has nothing to do with the mitzva of being bar mitzvah, or being misameach chasan v’Kallah then whats the point? Do the parents really think the chassan or kallah would not have been satisfied with $30,000 less of flowers? Or $10,000 worth less of table linens or ice sculptures? Or maybe only a 7 piece band instead of 25?
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