Reply To: Enough Talk on Shidduchim

AZ:

You make some good points but I don’t agree with a lot of them. Paying a shadchan once it comes to a third date will make more problems than what exists now. Whereas now if one is not completely sure if someone is their bashert or not they will go out again to make sure, paying the shadchan will likely lean someone towards saying no even though the person could possibly be the right one for them. Furthermore, this will be terrible for people who can’t afford it. As you said shadchanim will likely redd shidduchim more to people where they would get paid by a third date. Your statement “NO one is insisting that peoplle have to pay. I just statet the obvious,” is such a not Jewish concept it’s sad. Don’t you care at all about the poorer people? By implementing your suggestion they will suffer – unnecessarily. As someone stated on a different thread, the shadchan is like a broker – they get paid once the deal is done. You are correct, however, in stating that money pushes people which is why paying shadchanus is very important but constantly paying a shadchan when it gets a little serious is extreme and a lot of people simply can’t afford it.

You stated:

As for solutions to the Macro issue re: the communal Age Gap problem serious work is being done and progress is being made

here is a very very serios game plan

We know that we need to accomplish 3 things

1. Encourage boys to date girls their own age

2. Encourage boys to start dating slightly earlier

3. Encourage girls to start dating slightly later

I am not gonna argue on your first proposal because there is enough hype on it on all the other shidduchim threads you joined. Your second point is a good idea and I’m all for it. The third is just not practical. Try convincing any mother of a 19 year old girl to delay her daughter’s dating. Especially with people like you constantly talking about the age gap and statistics of older single girls, they are rushing to get their daughters married – many times without proper thought on the matter. As I wrote in my original post, girls just want to be removed from the pressure society is inflicting on them and unfortunately these marriages end up in divorce.

I am not in any way trying to challenge the roshei yeshiva of BMG but I personally do not understand the “freezer.” I was told that the idea behind it was to make sure the boy focuses on his learning for a few months without being distracted by dating. I have heard that these boys are in fact so worried about getting married and the fact that they can’t date is even more nerve-wracking. In my opinion, it should be gotten rid of completely (unlike AZ suggested, dating age 21+ girls by Tu B’Shvat, etc).

And one last point, AZ, as volvie says, enough with the age gap. This thread is NOT meant to discuss that. I appreciate your input on solutions but we are not getting on another age gap discussion here.