moish,
I’ve been out of the loop here for a while, but I just started reading some random posts here and there and saw your posts about retreating to your room and giving up on life. Moish, you need professional help now!!! Before you can even thing about improving in ruchniyus, you need to get into a healthy mental state and you seem to be getting into a severe depression. get out! Do ANYTHING! Volunteer for tomchei shabbos to help package the stuff they send out or go to the nursing home and make a bubby or zeidy smile. Get a job stocking the shelves of a grocery store. Do anything just to get some air and feel good about yourself for even a brief moment!
Oh, and I saw that post about your cousin! Send a hearty mazel tov please!