Teiyera moish,
Are you here? It’s a very busy day for all of us- I’m not sure when you’ll get to see this.
When I read your post I was left speechless. Yes, I areivimzehlazeh was for the first time in history LEFT SPEECHLESS.
Once my brain thawed, I reread your post 3 more times (shlepping shmattis and my heart being torn apart all at the same time). Then I read what anonymiss & kapusta had to write. Very well said
I really don’t know what to add. Should I urge you to speak to a Rav or supportive adult (face to face) even though you refuse to do that? Should I tell you to just stop, drop & daven- don’t think, just do?
I had a piece of inspiration when I saw the sun peek through the clouds this morning. It was a completely overcast, cloudy sky; and just when I almost gave up looking for the sun- there it was! In all it’s glory- the brightest rays! Rays of hope, an answer to my prayers, an uplifting and inspiring experience. Such s’yatta dishmaya. At that minute I felt so driven and confident that I can accomplish anything I set my heart to!
Please moish- please don’t feel so down. Try to understand that Hashem yearns with all His “heart” to be close to us and is broken hearted that we don’t want to communicate with Him!! He gives us tzaros so that we can become better human beings and COME BEGGING TO HIM, COME CRYING TO HIM… come TALK to him- and plead for his help in all matters of our lives. Unfortunately, when things run too smoothly we lose that fervor when davening to Hashem and we lose that close relationship. Hashem wants it back- so He gives us something to come talk to Him about.
Here is your big break- the chance of a lifetime to get rid of your preconceived notions of davening and come to Hashem with all your troubles.
You have turned a corner moish- believe it! Don’t downplay your outstanding accomplishments! How many teens can hold them selves back the way you did??
moish- YOU INSPIRE ME TO BE A BETTER PERSON.
If I sit here longer, I will type and type and type. You simply can not imagine how amazing you truly are! And trust me- this is coming from deep down.
This time period for you is beyond difficult- it’s almost cruel to you. Please, please try to keep in mind that Hashem just wants to hear from you. He wants the best out of you. And He knows there’s SO MUCH good in you- please use it for Him. Try to remember- there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. The sky seems completely overcast now- but we need to search, and look, and daven, and work hard! THERE WILL BE BRIGHT RAYS OF SUNLIGHT AT THE END OF THIS! (When we work on strengthening our emunah, it’s easier to see and believe in this light at the end of the tunnel.)
Areivim
PS- I find that reading inspiring stories on any subject opens the heart and makes davening more meaningful.