Azoi – I’m re-posting parts of your post, so I can reply (in CAPS, so I’ll keep it short) without skipping any of the points you raise:
“Since there is such a risk of assimilation, I and my Mrs. choose to err on the side of caution” confuses me. – BETTER TO BE TOO FRUM THAN NOT ENOUGH FRUM
Caution about what? What are you preventing? What are you guaranteeing? You feel a certain mode of dress is the prescription for success in any area? – TRYING TO PREVENT THE LOSS OF WHAT MAKES US BNEI YESHIVA. NO GUARANTEES, BUT IDENTIFIING WITH A GROUP GIVES ONE A SENSE OF PURPOSE.
I realized that dress (men’s, NOT women’s), has little bearing on one’s serious life choices. If anyone can convince me that there are a smaller percentage per person, of cases of infidelity, divorce, depression, OTD kids…among other problems, in groups wearing Black Hats and dark slacks at all times, you might have me newly convinced of their importance. – NOTHING “PREVENTS” ANYONE FROM ANYTHING, BUT IT MAKES YOU THINK TWICE, AND SOMETIMES (at least for human beings like myself) THAT 2 SECOND HESITATION MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN AVOIDING TROUBLE SPOTS.
the problem with the Black Hat approach to Chinuch, is their utilizing Yiras Hashem more than Ahavas Hashem. HERE, WE AGREE (BUT EXTRA INSURANCE IS PRUDENT IF YOU HAVE LOTS TO LOSE (I doubt you carry 10/20 on your car insurance… most likely 100/300 like me. Again the operative word is caution)
Oh btw, I’m a Black Hat type. (ME TOO!)