I understand your struggle very much it is very real and you are far from being alone. Since you have taken the chasidisha route, I would suggest you get in touch with the Biala community (the rebbe from Switzerland). There are many bt’s and ffb’s although I am not a Bialaer chasid, I have many friends who seem similar to you in hashkafa to whom the Rebbe has guided and helped. Hatzlacha Rabba and remember Hashem gets a lot of nachas from your quest for emes.
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