I’m just curious. You seem to have a problem with our Yeshiva-style dating. Do you think that the more modern orthodox style of dating is better? Are their marriages better?
Yes, I do, and in my experience, yes,they are. And truthfully, my style of dating was a little over thirty years ago, so it was the style of the times FOR THE FRUM WORLD, if not the Yeshivish world. We met guys either on our own (as I did when my husband walked into the Jewish publishing house for which I worked), or people who actually knew us well, i.e. family or friends of family set us up on blind dates. There was none of the nonsense of “resumes” and “references” (what is this anyway – a job interview???), and checking ad nauseum before the boy’s side agreed. People thought of someone for a shidduch contacted the person they thought about and set it up by giving the boy the girl’s number. The boy, who presumably was sufficiently intelligent and mature to dial a phone number all by himself, actually (HORRORS!!!!!) called the girl ASAP to speak to her for a bit and then ask her out at the end of the conversation. If he liked her well enough to ask her out again, he did not go through the shadchan, he acted like an adult and called the girl back. She presumably was mature enough to either accept or decline.
What we have done in our infinite wisdom, is to go back to the dark ages of shtetl shidduchim, where we sometimes put the wrong emphasis (IMO) on what is truly important, and infantilize our children by treating them on the one hand as if they are old enough to get married, but on the other hand not old enough or smart enough to figure out for themselves how to arrange a date.
Marriages are only as good as the amount of effort the two people involved are willing to put forth into it. I have seen “modern” people’s marriages fail, but in recent months I have been devastated to see several Yeshivish couples’ marriages break up after only a very short amount of time (in one case only a few weeks). Sadly, one of the wives was expecting and gave birth after she received her GET. If you think these are isolated instances, tragically they are not. More and more young people are starting to feel cheated when they marry in haste and under pressure, and realize that they should have spent more time getting to know their partner before committing to a future with him or her. they are also learning that being a “best boy” in the Beis Medrash (and they cannot ALL be the best), does not guarantee that a young man will be a good husband and father.
To be honest, I don’t care if the Yeshivishe world wants to continue its mode of making shidduchim. It works for some, so go for it. But the method that I used, worked really well for me, ensured that at least two of my five children (sheyichyu) met their zivugim in a wholesome and non-pressured way, and no one pushed them to get engaged or married before they were ready. They also got to know each other really well, and did not look at the number of dates as a criteria for whether or not they enjoyed each others’ company. I have another child who has met several of the young ladies whom he has dated, in an environment which speaks volumes as to their middos. They all volunteer in a program for developmentally disable youngsters. Although the relationships have not progressed with any of the young ladies, my son has no regrets about meeting any of them – any one of them would be a wonderful zivug, though clearly not basherte to be HIS zivug. Still, he knows that this is the type of girl he is looking for. Whether or not he finds the right girl in this particular venue, it has certainly helped to solidify what he is looking for in a future spouse.