whatshaiches,
I encountered the attitude you describe when I lived in a small midwestern Jewish community. My husband was earning a rather small salary in a training position so I worked outside the home to help pay for basics such as mortgage, food, and full tuition for my school aged children, as well as day care for my younger ones. (Because my husband’s job required long & irregular hours he could not work another job or take on significant child care responsibilities). Basically 90% of my salary after day care paid my children’s tuition. All of the teachers/ kollel members who had children in the school paid minimal or no tuition; these children comprised about 50% of the student body. Because this frum community is relatively small, kollel members received a salary underwritten by a wealthy donor, and teachers were better compensated than in larger frum communities.
When I lost my job while I was pregnant, and was unable to find a new one, it was very difficult to convince the school administrator that we were no longer able to pay full tuition. He told us that if had sufficient mesiras nefesh we would be able to pay tuition anyways. We explained that we couldn’t afford cleaning help, drove older cars that had been purchased used (my huband worked long and irregular hours and we felt two vehicles were necessary), and did not take vacations. We rarely bought new clothes for ourselves, and bought our children’s clothing used or took hand-me-downs.
We explained to the administrator that we had been happy to do this so we could pay full tuition, even though it meant our general standard of living was lower than those of the klei kodesh in the community, but since I’d lost my job and couldn’t find another this was no longer possible. We showed him our tax return, pointing out that my husband’s salary was less than that received by teachers and kollel members, and was fully taxed besides. He just reiterated that if we had real mesiras nefesh, we’d find a way to pay full tuition, but was unable to give specific examples of how we could do this.
It took months before the administrator agreed to reduce our children’s tuition, and I also arranged to work at the school to earn credit towards their tuition. To his credit I will note that he did not kick our children out of the school or seriously threaten to do so.
Because I’d lost my job and was pregnant, my children and I qualified for Medicaid and WIC assistance, which reduced our grocery bill by at least 30%. My preschool aged children stayed home with me, and I no longer needed to arrange or pay for child care for my older kids on their days off from school. B”H we made it through the next year, but this humiliating and disillsioning experience was part of the reason my husband looked for jobs in other cities when he finished his training.
B”H we now live in a wonderful community, where people are respected for who they are, not what they do for a living.